The Broken Parts of Our Lives.

 

Painting by Belle Unruh

The Broken Parts of Our Lives.

When I look back on the events in my life that broke my heart, I can see how grief has changed me. The pain in other people’s lives made me want to listen to and help them. My own pain taught me lessons, like how a parent feels when a child rebels and enters into a self-destructive life, and how one feels when someone they love has died. I understand the pain of divorce and mental illness. My heart goes out to those who are suffering and has led me to donate to charities.

Having gone through poverty and a few months of homelessness, I look with pity on people who wander the streets and go through garbage cans. I have a deep desire to give to the poor. Without my own suffering, I probably would have gone on as I did when I was young, happy and carefree, not giving a thought to those who are hurting.

I have seen images of broken pottery being compared to our lives and the caption is usually something like this: “God shines best through our broken spaces.” I decided to paint this image. When I sent a photo of my painting to a friend, he wrote a letter back and told me his story of a broken urn. I want to share this with everyone.

“Around 20 years ago, my wife’s brother was helping us carry items into the house from the cargo bay of our SUV. We had been shopping at a Target Store and had purchased a very large painted ceramic urn that we wanted to use as a decorative indoor accent. We had a hand truck (dolly), but her brother, being a macho man, insisted that he could bear hug the urn and carry it in by himself. We reluctantly agreed to let him do it.  He was 10 feet from where we wanted the urn positioned when he lost his grip and it fell to the floor and shattered.  At first, we thought the urn was a total loss, but it was so expensive that my wife wanted to see if she could salvage it.   Fortunately, most of the pieces were large, enabling her to "work the jigsaw puzzle" and glue them back together. When she finished, we were amazed at the result.

The urn wound up having more character and looking more interesting and beautiful than it was before it was broken. It was "perfectly imperfect." The glue bulged from the cracks a little and turned a tan color, making it appear that the urn was draped in rope.  We have had the urn proudly displayed in our family room ever since with an artificial palm tree inside it. It is a conversation starter. Visitors notice it immediately and remark how lovely it is. They don't believe it when we tell them how it "came together" by accident.”

I believe God allows pain in our lives to make us into better people. Unfortunately, we don’t learn much from a wonderful day at Disneyland. I know death, pain and suffering are a result of sin and come from Satan and everyone shares in that pain. We were given no choice to be born into a fallen world, but God gives us each a chance to follow him. If we do, instead of anger and bitterness at our lot, learning of God’s love for us and the world will melt our hearts and we can learn good from evil.  God’s rescue plan is vast, he has many ways of reaching out to us, and not all of them involve pain. In fact, it was the birth of my first daughter that made me turn my face towards God. I wanted to be a good mother and knew I couldn’t do it without him.

There is a wonderful chapter in the Book of Psalms. It shows in detail how God draws people to himself. I hope you will take the time to read it. Each example of people in terrible trouble ends in praise to God. I’ve shortened the chapter:

Psalm 107

Some wandered in desert wastes,
finding no way to a city to dwell in;
hungry and thirsty,
their soul fainted within them.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
He led them by a straight way
till they reached a city to dwell in.

Some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death,
prisoners in affliction and in irons,
for they had rebelled against the words of God,
and spurned the counsel of the Most High.
So he bowed their hearts down with hard labor;
they fell down, with none to help.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
and burst their bonds apart.

Some were fools through their sinful ways,
and because of their iniquities suffered affliction;
they loathed any kind of food,
and they drew near to the gates of death.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
He sent out his word and healed them,
and delivered them from their destruction.

Some went down to the sea in ships,
doing business on the great waters;
they saw the deeds of the LORD,
his wondrous works in the deep.
For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,
which lifted up the waves of the sea.
They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths;
their courage melted away in their evil plight;
they reeled and staggered like drunken men
and were at their wits’ end.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
He made the storm be still,
and the waves of the sea were hushed.
Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,
and he brought them to their desired haven.

Let them thank the LORD for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man!
And let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,
and tell of his deeds in songs of joy!

Wrestling with God.

 

Art by Maurice Denis.

I thought I would share something that has been very helpful in my walk with God. About 10 years ago, I was very depressed, day after day. One morning I said to God, “I’m not leaving this bed until I feel better.” So, I lay there telling God all my feelings and all the things going on in my life that made me sad. I asked for courage to face the day and for some kind of hope.

After maybe an hour, I did feel better and got up. That one lesson taught me what it meant to wrestle with God. I remembered Jacob who in the Bible, wrestled with God all night. When God said to him, “Let me go for it is morning.” Jacob said, “I won’t let you go until you bless me.”

I would have thought that a bit presumptuous, but God didn’t. He asked, “What is your name?” 

“Jacob,” he replied.

God said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, (Def: He struggles with God.) because you have struggled with God and with men, and have prevailed.”

I’m not a Bible scholar. I’m not altogether sure what Jacob’s struggle means except that when I told God I wouldn’t stop praying until I felt better, my circumstance felt similar to his. Jacob was trapped by his brother coming to meet him, perhaps with the intent to kill him. I was trapped by my sad feelings that would not go away.

Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  John 14:27

Describe Who You Are.

 

 I am reading a book called, Not Alone: Reflections on Faith and Depression, by Monica A. Coleman. The book is written as a 40-day devotional. At the end of each chapter, she asks questions. In Chapter 4 she asks, What are some of the names that help describe who you are?

I thought for a minute and said, “I am Daughter of the King of the Universe. I am Lover of the Sky. (Because when I go out on my balcony to smoke I look at the sky and feel happy to see blue sky, white or black clouds, sunsets, stars and planets.) I am Curious. I want to learn all I can about good things. I am Creative, I love making things of all kinds. I am Devoted, to God and my family.”

If I had been asked this question years ago while going through a time of agony and depression I would have said, “I am Broken – like a mirror shattered in a thousand pieces flying through the sky and landing in the dirt. I am Cursed, because my father’s family was evil. I am Hated, because I felt hated as a child. I am Crazy, because that was how I felt. I am Dirty, Ugly, Not Wanted, Irritating, Stupid, Not Known, Rejected.”

I was happily surprised at the new way I see myself now. I didn’t even know this change was happening in me! But 7 years of relying on God alone to be my everything has resulted in this wonderful new way of thinking.

I’ve heard this recently from preachers on podcasts; not to rely on what others think of you, say to you or how they talk about you to others. And not to rely on the voice of yourself that comes screeching into your mind telling you that you are worthless. No! All that truly matters is what God thinks of you. And if you have no one in your life who loves you well, he will.

What does God think of me? I think he is glad I want to know him. He asks us to ask, seek and find. I have sought and found. He says he knocks on the door of our hearts and waits for us to let him in. I have let him in.

I don’t have to be perfect I only have to ask him to cover me with his perfection. I fall many times, but he picks me up. “… for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes. Proverbs 24:16

The steps of a man are ordered by the LORD who takes delight in his journey. Though he falls, he will not be overwhelmed, for the LORD is holding his hand. 

Psalm 37:24

Well, I was so excited about how I see myself now, I just had to share it with you. I mean, therapy helped me get through a lot of hard stuff, but it was giving my bad thoughts to Jesus and refusing to hold them in my mind that helped the most. They still come; I will never be free of them in this life, but I now know God is the strength of my life and he can deal with them and I can have a happy life in spite of them. God alone is enough. If any of you are in the state I was in 7 years ago, I hope you will give Jesus a chance to help you.

 

Sometimes We Feel Overwhelmed. Like Every Day.

Photo by: Jukka from HELSINKI, Finland

“From the end of the earth I will cry to You; when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”   Psalm 61:2


I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately, and yes, I cried out to God and he lifted me to stand on the rock, Jesus. I often wonder how people manage life without Jesus.


My mother is 92, and has been living with us for around 4 years. There have been many ups and downs in her health. We have called for an ambulance at least 5 times. She broke her hip, had an operation, got an infection, was diagnosed with colon cancer and had heart attacks. She sleeps a lot, but still eats (not very much) and enjoys watching TV, playing Yahtzee and reading magazines. Her short-term memory is gone, so she has had to stop reading books.


Two or three weeks ago, she started coughing a lot. It wasn’t a cold, so I took her to the doctor. It turned out she has acid reflux so bad that she had burned her throat. She had had no symptoms of acid reflux, so I was surprised. But the doctor was right, after giving her the new medicine she got better. She started sleeping through the night again.


As soon as she was a bit better, her sciatic nerve went wonky and she was in terrible pain one morning. She would scream at the slightest move. It was so hard for her to get out of bed, go to the bathroom – just everything. 


But I thank God for the internet. I looked up sciatic pain and one of the things an article said was it can be caused by slumping in your chair. Well, Mom was slumping lately. She said she was comfy when she was doing it, but I told her it might be causing her sciatica to give her pain. I started watching and having her sit up straight when she was up.


It worked. I gave her pills for the pain too, of course, but she has needed less and less medication. She can move around easily now.


All this time I have called out to God for help because I wasn’t getting enough sleep. Night after night being woken by my poor mom was making me feel exhausted. (Like new parents with a baby – very difficult, I know.) But believe me, God came through, like he always does and I was able to take care of my mom. I’m so grateful to Him.


This morning, I was thinking about my grandson, who has had an off and on addiction to heroin. Actually, I think about him every day and pray for him. His life has been so sad it just brings me to tears to think of him. We all love him so much and it has been so painful for everyone in the family to see how he has suffered.


Thinking about him makes my heart sink and I knew I was thinking too much because I was getting depressed. Maybe because I’ve been so tired too. I was feeling overwhelmed. So, I prayed and went to do my Bible study. I’ve been writing out the Bible in my own words, hoping to put the words deep in my heart.


What I read really encouraged me and I want to share it with you. It is from Philippians 3. The whole chapter is beautiful, and I will share that some other time, but these are the words that helped me the most this morning:

Paul writes, “I want to know Jesus, yes, I want to know the power of his resurrection and also participate in his sufferings.”


This stopped me cold. Do I want to participate in his sufferings? No, I don’t. I am weak and a whiny baby. I want everything to be great and to not have any problems and I want to see everyone in my family to be well and happy with no problems.


Jesus suffered, but not only on the cross. He suffered when Lucifer and a whack of angels turned their backs on him. They were his children. He suffered when he saw the grief around him as he walked this earth. He suffered when his brothers made fun of him. He suffered when his earthly father, Joseph, died. He suffered when Judas betrayed him. He suffered when the church of his day rejected him and called him demon-possessed.


He suffers now. When I think someone in my family will not be saved, my heart melts from pain. He has to see those on earth, through the thousands of years we have been here, who reject his offer of eternal life. He loves them. He died for them. They are his children too. He says he was there the day they were born, hoping for them that they would have faith.


Do I want to participate in his sufferings? No, but I will pray that I will. I will pray God will give me the strength, because I have none. I will pray for the mind and heart of Jesus. I will pray he will fill me with himself, and I know he will do that for me, simply because I asked.

Hope in Sorrow.

In writing out Psalm 42, I recognized myself. I used to get depressed and full of sorrow, then I would reach out to God and had hope again. I thought the sadness was over, but then my heart would grow heavy again. I learned I had to fight sadness and discontent with prayer and speaking God’s words out loud.


I think the first negative thought we have is a temptation to go down the path to depression. If we stop and dwell on the negative thought, more will come until our minds are full of sadness. We need to stop at the first thought and give it to God. Then start thanking God for all the good things in our lives. 

We can go through each day in sorrow or peaceful joy. It is up to us.



Psalm 42.

Like a deer pants for water, my soul pants for you, O my God. I thirst for the living God. I long to meet him face to face.


Yet I have been crying day and night, and people ask me, “Where is your God.”


As I pour out my soul to God, then I remember how I used to go to church with shouts of joy among other believers.


Why is my soul in sorrow? Why do I feel so disturbed? I must put my hope in God; if I can do that, I will then praise him, my Savior and my God.


My soul is in sorrow; therefore, I will think on you. My life is filled with turmoil, like waves of the sea going over my head.


Yet, in the daytime, the Lord sends his love to me. In the evening, he puts a song in my heart and a prayer to the God of my life.


Yet later I say, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go around in sadness because my enemies oppress me? They ask me, “Where is your God?”


I ask myself again, “Why is my soul filled with sorrow? Why do I feel torn in my heart? I must put my hope in God. If I do that, I will again praise him, my Savior and my God.

God Lifted Me Up.

A bog.

I was re-reading Psalm 40 and was moved to gratefulness again.

Psalm 40:

I waited patiently for the Lord;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the Lord

and put their trust in him.

I do feel God has lifted me out of a miry bog, or quicksand. I was sinking because of the memories of my father sexually abusing me. I was sinking in shame, mental illness and depression. But through the years he lifted me up out of that.

It didn’t happen quickly. It takes time for the mind to heal. Therapists also helped me. Am I completely well body and soul? No. But I am now standing on the rock, Jesus. My feet are no longer slipping and sliding. I understand how to run to him, to pour out my heart to him and to let him give me peace. Perfect peace? Yes and no.

 You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.  Isaiah 26:3

I used to think that when we had perfect peace it would never go away. But I was wrong. Our peace is disrupted when life brings obstacles or tragedy. Satan messes with our peace when he whispers negative thoughts to us.

So, we have to go back again to God and tell him how we feel and ask for his peace. We need to go again and again through the day and quote uplifting Bible verses praising God. Satan cannot stay where God is being praised and trusted. This is what I think Paul meant when he wrote, “Fight the good fight of faith.”

I learned most of this through Joyce Meyer. I watch her TV show every day. She focuses on how to live the Christian life. She was raped by her father for most of her childhood. She understands.

I still have a mental illness. I still hear my little girl inside say things. But I don’t mind too much. I try my best to stay away from things that trigger me. I can honestly say I am mostly happy and at peace. It is a wonderful feeling. He lifted me up out of the slimy pit, out of the mire and mud.

Psalm 40 is a Messianic psalm. Commentators have said the feelings expressed in this psalm are what Jesus felt. I’m going to write about that next time.

The Black Cloud of Depression.

I thought I’d revisit the topic of depression, since I am so closely acquainted with it. I’d been feeling happy for many months, then depression hit again. Every morning. Again. I knew it might be caused by my youngest daughter and my granddaughter leaving to live in Canmore. But I didn’t see why this sadness was lasting so long.

After a few weeks of this, I asked God about it. Before this, I had just been asking for help and quoting Scripture. That wasn’t working this time. I realized when I asked God why this was happening and why nothing was working, I should have asked him many days ago. Because God always answers my questions. Sometimes he answers right away; sometimes in days. So, I waited for an answer and kept my eyes open.

I believe I got an answer the next day. The answer came through Christian books I was reading, podcasts by Annie F. Downs, and Joyce Meyer on TV. She was the one who showed me how important it is to quote Scripture out loud. There is power in that. Evil spirits don’t stay around when the Word of God is quoted.

That morning, Joyce was speaking about depression. This is what I learned.

1. Believe God loves me. Not an easy one for me, although it is getting easier.

2. Write in a notebook every time God does something for me, be grateful and thank Him. I do thank him many times, but not daily and I don’t write it down. I thought of all the things he has done lately for my family, really important things, and felt better.

3. Believe God is working. Now I’d heard this from Joyce a few years ago and it changed the way I felt about my family. I used to worry about them and I would say this to myself, I did believe it and this brought peace. But I never used this phrase to help myself – to really believe God was working for me every day. To believe that actually helps me believe he loves me.

4. Don’t get discouraged because you have to learn and remember spiritual truths over and over. This is a big one for me, and it was by listening to interviews on Annie F. Downs’ podcast where I found a lot of Christians have found this to be true in their lives. I used to wonder, when I would learn something new that helped me, why didn’t it stick with me? Why would I keep forgetting? Why was I so dense?

Apparently, I’m not alone in this. And I suppose that is why we must read Scripture every day. God’s ways are so much higher and so different from our ways, it takes a lifetime to learn them. And I am thankful God is super patient.

 Thus, after a full day of searching for God’s answer, I believe I have found it in these four ways of living and thinking. I don’t feel depressed today, I feel blessed. Not that I am supposed to rely on my feelings, but it is truly lovely not to feel a dark cloud circling my head.

From Then Until Now. Bio of the Last 8 Years.

I’m embarrassed to write this post because by the time a person is 63 or 64, she should be smart enough not to mess-up in such a spectacular fashion. Especially a Christian. But then, I’ve never been a normal Christian, so that may explain it.

Okay, so my husband and I lived with our daughter, Christine, and her family, for 10 years so I could take care of her daughter, Faith, who had OCD. When Faith turned 14, she was doing quite well and didn’t need me anymore. My daughter sold their house and when it came time to move, my husband and I rented an apartment. Christine and her family moved to another city because of her husband’s job.

I didn’t know I would slowly fall apart. I was used to seeing both of my daughters and my grandchildren every day. Suddenly, I’m alone all day in an apartment without a car. My husband works in another city 45 minutes away. I thought about getting involved with a mental health program for adults. I could meet other people like myself and they had painting classes and outings. I really wanted to try this, but I became sick with digestive problems which made me afraid to leave the house. I simply couldn’t get on a bus and ride around town because I never knew when I would get sick.

When this happened, I felt devastated. I was very lonely. I couldn’t even visit my mom except on weekends when I had the car. We couldn’t afford two cars. That would have solved my problems, but it was impossible.

My husband and I would sometimes drive and go see Christine and family in their new digs, but I have fibromyalgia and traveling is painful. I rarely saw my oldest daughter anymore. She had a lot on her mind taking care of her son and step-children. So, there I was, lonely and depressed. No one to talk with; no one to be with.

I started asking God to take my life. I couldn’t see any reason to hang around and be bored to death. Sometimes, I stayed in bed all day. Nothing interested me. I didn’t like TV and you can only read so much. Empty hours stretched ahead of me and seemed like a life sentence in jail.

I was having trouble sleeping, I always have, and decided to take some sleeping pills. After I took one, I thought, “Why don’t you finish the bottle?” So I did. All together only 11 sleeping pills. I hoped it was enough, but wasn’t sure. Before I took them, God spoke to my heart and said, “Call a suicide hotline.”  But I felt embarrassed to do that. I was very embarrassed by who I was. It is embarrassing to be mentally ill.

Long story short, my husband came home and I was passed out on the floor. I woke up in the hospital in a delirium. It took hours for the effect of the pills to wear off. And let me tell you, being delirious in front of tons of people is embarrassing.  I should have called the hotline. As usual, God was right.

The chief psychiatrist wanted to admit me, but my husband told him of a time years ago when I was admitted into a hospital for a suspected heart attack and had lost my mind. I disassociated and became a little girl again, afraid of being raped and crying non-stop. They drugged me at that hospital so I was calm enough to have tests. So, my husband told the psychiatrist the same thing would happen again.  He didn’t admit me, but I had to go to counseling. 

I went back to see my previous counselor, who is a Christian. She helped me quite a bit and I started making journals of my life from birth until now. I joined, Brave Girl’s Club, which is online. They charge a small fee, but it was well worth the money. The site helps you with journal ideas and encourages you to like yourself.

Then I read something that changed everything for me. I can’t remember what book or blog I read this on, but the author wrote, “Whatever you want to kill yourself over, you love that thing or person more than God.”

Well, that shocked me, but after reading the whole chapter, I believed it was true. Why did I want to kill myself? Quite a few reasons, but the biggest was I was lonely and missed my girls and grandchildren. So, I thought, I must love them more than God. I thought I loved God above all people and all things, but I was wrong. Sure I was lonely, but shouldn’t having God in my life been enough? 

I said to God that day, “Okay, God. It’s just you and me now. I’m going to spend tons and tons of time with you. I need you to be enough for me because I have no one else.”

Lo and behold, he was enough. Each day got better and better. I was still waking up depressed though, and remembered what Joyce Meyer says about quoting Scripture out loud when you are depressed. I still do that every morning. As I do, I feel God’s peace and love. My shoulders relax and I smile – first thing in the morning! Lol  A miracle for me.

I told the Lord how bored I was. I asked him to find some activity for me that I would enjoy. I went on the internet looking up different crafts when I came upon wood carving. I had always been interested in sculpture and wood carving looked easier and cheaper. So, I bought some firewood, pine and balsa wood. I wasn’t strong enough to do it by hand, so my husband bought me a Dremel with a bunch of sanders and cutters. I really enjoyed working with wood. I made quite a few items. I’ll post some pics.

Afterwards, I decided to try my hand at painting and I like doing that even more than working with wood. I talk with God about my projects and ask him to help me. He does. I still spend lots of time with him, because I know it is him who keeps me alive and interested in life. I’m rarely ever depressed, and if I feel sad I run to Him right away and stay there til I feel better. 

What have I learned through this? I’ve learned if all you have is God – he is enough. I think that if I hadn’t gotten sick or had a car and gone out a lot etc. I wouldn’t have found out how little I loved and appreciated God. I wouldn’t have learned what a wonderful father, brother, friend, counselor and husband he is. I thank God now for what I went through and how I suffered, because through it, I learned the most wonderful thing I have ever known in my life – God loves me and I love God.

Thank you very much for your prayers for me. I woke up this morning and I felt better. The clouds had lifted by the power of God.

This morning, I woke from a dream. In the dream there was a large round table. There were about 10 people sitting around the table with playing cards in their hands. I sat down in an empty chair. My cards were face down in front of me. I could see the cards of the other players. Everyone had a 3 in their hand. I looked down at my cards and thought, "I need to have a 3 also so I will be like all the others." I picked up my cards and I did have a 3. I felt happy, then I woke up.

I would guess the dream represents how I feel around people, even family. I need to be like them to fit in. Everything I do should match up with other people so they will love me. I don't want to be different. I want to fit in. I want to please people, and if I don't, I feel devastated.

I've known this about myself, but I guess I need to face it and pray about it. It was frightening to make a mistake when I was young because my father could become very angry. He never believed me if I said I didn't know something was wrong. He would say, "Don't give me that. You know better." I didn't really. He always thought I was lying about things and when I was a teen he called me a slut. I had not had sex with any boy at the time, but after that I decided I didn't care anymore because he already thought I was having lots of sex. The only kind of sex I'd ever had was with him when I was younger.

Joyce Meyer says, "The only way out is through." She said that about her sexual abuse. She didn't want to deal with it, but God showed her she needed to. I've dealt with mine too, I think. But there are always going to be after-effects of our childhoods. No one gets completely away from that. It is a large part of who we are.

Thankfully, God tells us, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."


I am a new person compared to the person I was before I met Jesus. Giving my life to him was the best decision I ever made. He has made many parts of my life so beautiful. My most precious dream was to have children. He gave me two daughters and now 7 grandchildren. I feel most blessed, my dream came true and he multiplied it. One day I will live with God in heaven - my most precious dream now.

He never sleeps
He never slumbers
He never tires of hearing our prayers
When we are weak
He becomes stronger
So rest in his love
Cast all of your cares on him.


From "He Never Sleeps," by Don Moen.

Jack-in-the-Box.

My brain feels broken. I can’t believe this is happening. I’ve had so many weeks of coping well since my mom broke her hip. Mental illness is like a Jack-in-the-box. The music plays, I am coping well, I dance to the music, then, without warning, the evil clown pops up. The music stops and I’m afraid.

I thought the clown was gone.  I thought I had dealt with him and found the secret to happiness and coping well with life in a consistent manner.  I thought God and I had this at last.

The problem is my brain beats me up any time I make a mistake. As an example, this morning I poured myself some coffee and remembered the time I made some coffee for my daughter and it was terrible and she poured it down the sink.

This happens to me daily. Something happens and it reminds me of a mistake I have made. When I have made a lot of mistakes in a row, I start losing it. I listen to good music, but it doesn’t help as much as it usually does. I’m praying, yes. But prayer feels different. I’m too full of myself and not enough of God. I go from prayer to thinking sad thoughts. Sad thoughts move into despair. I shake them and they come back.

The one thought that helps me is that I have been through this before and worse. By God encouraging me, I have made it out of darkness into the light. I know this will happen again. I cling to this thought.

Meanwhile, I am cleaning the house, taking care of my mother and making dinners (my nemesis). I don’t share how shaky I feel, because there is no point. No one but God can help me and I know that. I don’t need to make everyone else feel bad.

One small thing that bothers me is not knowing if I can make it to the dentist next week. Will I be able to leave the house?  I’m getting more and more afraid of leaving the house unless someone comes with me. I feel like just giving up and canceling the appointment like I have done over the last year and a half.

It has been a hard 6 months. My mother fell, broke her hip and then all the trouble with the hospitals and rehab facility. Then my sweet nephew died. My husband is not happy lately about his life. Nothing I say helps him. I guess it is a miracle I am still coping – sort of. If you can call this coping.

Well, enough of that. I’ve been wanting to write about a beautiful verse on how God makes his footsteps a path for us to walk.

“Righteousness will go before Him and will make His footsteps into a way.”  Psalm 85:13

“Righteousness and justice are the foundation of Your throne; Lovingkindness and truth go before You.”  Psalm 89:14

The lyrics from the song, “Feel Your Love,” by Don Moen and Frank Edwards have helped me too.

It’s in your name that I found love.
I give you praise for all you’ve done.
You call me by my name, I wll trust in you.

I feel your love surround me.

Discontent Leads to All Sins.

Photo by Bernard DuPont  

https://www.flickr.com/people/65695019@N07

I am writing on the book, “The Art of Divine Contentment,” by Thomas Watson. I’ve learned a lot about myself in this book and how I have let discontent sometimes rule my life.

Mr. Watson writes that the first sin in the universe came from discontent. Lucifer and his angel friends became discontented with their stations.

“And the angels who did not stay within their own position of authority, but left their proper dwelling, he has kept in eternal chains under gloomy darkness until the judgment of the great day—“ Jude 6

Lucifer (Satan) was quite dissatisfied with his place in heaven. His discontent turned into rebellion against God – though God had done nothing to him.

“How you have fallen from heaven,

morning star, son of the dawn! (Lucifer)

You have been cast down to the earth,

you who once laid low the nations!

You said in your heart,

“I will ascend to the heavens;

I will raise my throne

above the stars of God;

I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly,

on the utmost heights of Mount Zaphon.

I will ascend above the tops of the clouds;

I will make myself like the Most High.”

But you are brought down to the realm of the dead,

to the depths of the pit.”  Isaiah 14:12-15

When Satan met Eve in the garden, he told her God was withholding a wonderful thing from her, the knowledge of good and evil. He said, “For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

Eve must have felt some discontent in not having the same knowledge as God. She must have wanted what God had and decided to get it. So, she believed God was a liar and sinned against him.

In his book, Watson says that discontentment leads to every other sin. Every single one!

I thought about myself. I thought about the years I had been so depressed, suicidal and lonely. Was that because of discontentment? Yes, it was. I could see it clearly. I was discontented with my past, with my childhood all the way through adulthood.

I was angry I had a mental illness, that I wasn’t like other people, that I couldn’t work without having a breakdown, that my husband and I didn’t have what other people had because their wives worked and they had extra money. I was not content with this life God had given me. I thought I had suffered too much. That it wasn’t fair, that God wasn’t fair.

Yes, I was the epitome of discontent. I was its poster child. I was no better than Eve, or heaven-forbid, Satan himself. Whoa. Scary.

So, this week, I had been feeling down and upset and didn’t realize why. I asked myself, “Are you discontented about something?”  Yes, I was. I didn’t like it that my mom was in a nursing home instead of with me. I felt terribly sorry for her that her memory was bad now. She couldn’t read, watch TV or walk any longer.

Mom had told me she had wanted to die, but she didn’t die. She told me she hates being in a home. She told me she is angry, helpless and hopeless. I felt sick when she said these things. I don’t want this kind of empty life for her either.

But, during this, I did remember how when I trust God I always find there is a very good reason for everything that happens. I’ve been trying to give all my feelings about Mom to him. He has been helping me a lot. But I need to do it every day, or the discontent will creep up on me and I’ll be depressed and angry too.

I believe Mr. Watson is right. All sins do come from discontentment. Now that I know this, I will talk with God about it, pray about it and because God is my Savior and partner, I believe I will gain the victory over my discontentment.