I am reading a
book called, Not Alone: Reflections on Faith and Depression, by Monica
A. Coleman. The book is written as a 40-day devotional. At the end of each
chapter, she asks questions. In Chapter 4 she asks, What are some of the
names that help describe who you are?
I thought for a minute and said, “I am Daughter of the
King of the Universe. I am Lover of the Sky. (Because when I go out on my
balcony to smoke I look at the sky and feel happy to see blue sky, white or
black clouds, sunsets, stars and planets.) I am Curious. I want to learn all I
can about good things. I am Creative, I love making things of all kinds. I am
Devoted, to God and my family.”
If I had been asked this question years ago while
going through a time of agony and depression I would have said, “I am Broken –
like a mirror shattered in a thousand pieces flying through the sky and landing
in the dirt. I am Cursed, because my father’s family was evil. I am Hated,
because I felt hated as a child. I am Crazy, because that was how I felt. I am Dirty,
Ugly, Not Wanted, Irritating, Stupid, Not Known, Rejected.”
I was happily surprised at the new way I see myself
now. I didn’t even know this change was happening in me! But 7 years of relying
on God alone to be my everything has resulted in this wonderful new way of thinking.
I’ve heard this recently from preachers on podcasts;
not to rely on what others think of you, say to you or how they talk about you
to others. And not to rely on the voice of yourself that comes screeching into
your mind telling you that you are worthless. No! All that truly matters is
what God thinks of you. And if you have no one in your life who loves you well,
he will.
What does God think of me? I think he is glad I want
to know him. He asks us to ask, seek and find. I have sought and found. He says
he knocks on the door of our hearts and waits for us to let him in. I have let
him in.
I don’t have to be perfect I only have to ask him to
cover me with his perfection. I fall many times, but he picks me up. “… for though the righteous fall seven times, they
rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes. Proverbs 24:16
The
steps of a man are ordered by the LORD who takes delight in his journey. Though he falls, he will not be overwhelmed, for the LORD is holding his hand.
Psalm 37:24
Well, I was so excited about how I see myself now, I
just had to share it with you. I mean, therapy helped me get through a lot of
hard stuff, but it was giving my bad thoughts to Jesus and refusing to hold
them in my mind that helped the most. They still come; I will never be free of
them in this life, but I now know God is the strength of my life and he can
deal with them and I can have a happy life in spite of them. God alone is
enough. If any of you are in the state I was in 7 years ago, I hope you will
give Jesus a chance to help you.
