Wrestling with God.

My grandson died almost 8 years ago. When someone you love dies it can be a terrible shock or you may be prepared for it after a long illness, or be prepared because they were very old.

My grandson was 21 when he died and it was a terrible shock to everyone in the family. He died because he drank heavily and then fell asleep on a soft sofa with his face down. He never woke up. The coroner said he had seen this happen to young men quite often.

His mother and I poured out our hearts to God. We talked about it with him for a long time. When the pain seemed too much we reached up to God and he healed us. He was a great comfort, and I don’t know how we would have made it through without his help.

But my grandson’s brother and my other daughter did not do this. My daughter would not speak about what happened and didn’t want us to either. She bottled up her sadness and rage until she had a mental breakdown about 4 years later. She went to counseling and got better.

My other grandson is still suffering. He and his brother were extremely close. He found the pain to be too much to handle and a few years after the death he started taking drugs to dull the pain. Eventually he became addicted to heroin. I know I have told this story before, but this time I wanted to share how important it is to talk to God or a counselor about the loss of someone you love.

He was in such bad shape after a few years of heroin that he knew he had to get off it. Also, he was tempted to start stealing in order to buy it. His mother did everything she could to help him. She wanted him to go into a rehab center and paid $5,000. He went for one day and half a night. He doesn’t feel comfortable being around people.

I didn’t know that when you quit heroin your legs hurt so much you want to cut them off. The pain is awful.

 My daughter lived with him for three months helping him through withdrawal. He went to the government program where they give you methadone. Oh, how that helped him! How grateful we are to the government and what they had done for him. He is still on methadone and doing very well physically.

But he has never dealt with the heavy grief in his heart. The worst month for him is August because that is when his brother died. It isn’t quite August and he is in a bad place right now. My daughter is going to see him tonight. He lives in the next town.

I texted him last night and told him to pray to God for peace of mind and don’t stop asking until he gets it. I have done that when I was depressed and God always came through.

I remember saying to God, “I’m not leaving this bed until I feel better.” And I kept praying. And then I felt better; I could face the day.

Now, when I pray, I also ask for joy and happiness in my day. I know God wants me to have peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. The Bible says that, and what God has said, he will do. Sometimes we just have to keep asking.

This makes me think of Jacob, when he was wrestling with God. He said, “I won’t let you go until you bless me.” You would think that was pretty pushy of Jacob, but apparently, God didn’t. He praised Jacob and gave him a new name: Israel.

Jacob’s story can inspire us to do the same. Don’t let go of God until he blesses you. The Bible says, “pursue peace,” so ask for it every time your heart is troubled, and keep asking.

A List of Names.

Vietnam Memorial

Photo by Noel Sheffer

https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Littleshef&action=edit&redlink=1

I was listening to a podcast this morning called, “Pray the Word with David Platt.”  He spoke on this verse of the Bible:

Nehemiah 11:12

“…and their brothers who did the work of the house, 822; and Adaiah the son of Jeroham, son of Pelaliah, son of Amzi, son of Zechariah, son of Pashhur, son of Malchijah…”

The house spoken of in the verse is the House of the Lord, the temple. It needed to be repaired or rebuilt. The Babylonians had destroyed it.

Mr. Platt said it seems like this is a Bible verse that could not help anyone – a list of names – but this is what he said he got out of it.

We count. Our names mean something to God. What we do means something to God. 

I remember Jesus saying to his disciples, “Don’t rejoice the evil spirits obey you; but rejoice your name is written in heaven.”

It’s a pretty big deal our names are written in the Book of Life. It is much more important than if we can cast out demons like Jesus did.

I loved what Mr. Platt said about us and our names, he said, “You are part of a great picture that spans centuries.” Yes, as each generation comes and goes, those who believe are a part of those who build up the kingdom of God.

Learning to Play Elder Scrolls at 69.

It’s 10:00 pm and after months of binge watching, Father Brown, Midsomer Murders, Call the Midwife, and Sherlock, I’ve had to find a new series for my mother to watch. She has short-term memory problems so I had the Father Brown series on about 10 times until it moved into her long-term memory. She finally said the words, “I remember this one.” I should probably tell a researcher on the elderly about that.


While she watches I, clean, cook, listen to podcasts, and play Elder Scrolls. I’m 69 years old and I just learned the joy of this kind of game. I don’t even know the right name for this kind of game. Multi-player is part of it. Maybe role-playing.



My sister from Washington State introduced me to games. She wanted to do something with me since we live far apart. We started with Portal Knights, moved on to Minecraft and then landed on Elder Scrolls Online.


We played the first two games for awhile, but my sister’s wi-fi at her trailer park is quite weak. She got a booster, but still got thrown out of the game time after time, or she would appear with a head and no body, so we had to stop playing those. She said she tried for hours to find us another game but couldn’t find one the two of us could play together. She prayed and God told her, “Elder Scrolls.” She said, “Really!? Okay.” So that’s how we began. ( She’s not crazy; we both think God talks to us.)


It quickly became clear I was very bad at this game. Elder Scrolls loves to keep players in the dark about their rules and how to play the game. Or, if you look at it another way, they have so many pages of tiny writing your eyes start aching and your brain hurting. I can’t read much on the computer anyway, and I’m glad the game doesn’t seem to bother my eyes after we eliminated the blue light. My sister tried to help me, but it was painful for both of us. Her wi-fi also hated Elder Scrolls, so we gave up.


We gave up trying to play together, but I was determined to keep playing myself. There was this one thing I loved about the game: travel and scenery.

I’ve always loved to travel and in Elder Scrolls there are all these islands you can go to. The scenery and architecture of the buildings is different in each place. My favorite part of the game is walking through the woods finding stuff I need in order to make things like weapons, clothing and food. It is lovely and soothing until a white tiger sneaks up from behind, swipes your back and calls all his friends to finish you off.


I’m a wood elf. My sister said that is the best person to be because she likes to stand back and shoot people. But that wasn’t the weapon they gave me at the beginning. They gave her a bow and arrow but gave me a staff that shoots out fire! Oh yeah, I fell in love with it. It worked very well in a fight. Then I saw a different player with a fire staff who banged hers on the ground and the ground became electric, zapping people. Wow! How could I get that!? I got it now, baby.


Honestly, I never thought I would like a game like this, but I think I know why I do. After you finish a quest, after you save some lives, after you kill the bad guys, you feel great. You feel like you have really accomplished something good. After I saved the Queen’s life, people in the different cities said, “Are you the one who saved the Queen?”  “Why yes I am.” 


You know, I’m glad I can take care of my 92-year-old mom. But do I feel excited, elated and proud of myself like I do in Elder Scrolls? No! That thought does give me pause. I’m not sure what to make of it. What I do know is that I have something exciting to do again and that makes me happy.


So, my mom and I are growing old together, happy as if in our right mind. And one thing is really handy about this time of our lives. In the last five years I’ve become agoraphobic and rarely leave the apartment. My mom is weak and tired and doesn’t want to go anywhere. I mean, how great is that? God works in mysterious ways. But I guess it wasn’t a mystery to him that I would love Elder Scrolls.