Suicidal Thoughts.

Photo by Lisa Resager

https://www.flickr.com/people/68978695@N00

The first time I had suicidal thoughts was when I was 14. I had moved from middle school into high school. I had never felt comfortable in school or around people. School had been a slow torture for me from kindergarten.

There was a guy in school that I liked and I found out he liked me. He asked to take me to a hayride the school was sponsoring. I said yes, even though I was terrified. It was to be my first real date. I bought a beautiful blouse to wear. But the date was a disaster because I couldn’t speak. I answered his questions with one-word syllables and never asked him a thing. Eventually, he gave up trying to talk with me.

Later, at home, I realized what I had done and felt hopeless. The thought of going back to school and seeing him again and telling my girlfriends what had happened was too much. I took all my brother’s sleeping pills. They pumped my stomach and my parents took me out of school. They also sent me to a psychologist.

I was home-schooled by a government teacher and got straight A’s. I felt happy not having to try to cope with school. But by the end of that school year, they said I could go back to a regular school. I went back, and I did make some good friends. I got in trouble with my father though because in our church dancing was a sin, and he kept finding out I went to dances. He beat me with a belt. When I was young, he had sexually molested me, but I had somehow forgotten all that.

So, at seventeen, I was depressed about my life. I remember saying to myself, “No one in the whole world loves me.”  And it was true. So, I drove to a cliff and was going to drive off of it. But I was too scared to die that way. I went home, went in my parent’s bedroom and stole money from my father’s wallet. I was going to run away and maybe find love somewhere else. But My father heard me and stopped me. Instead, they sent me away to relatives in Canada. I got a job and friends and felt better.

The last time I wanted to kill myself was a few years ago when my husband and I moved out of our daughter’s house into our own apartment. I had been babysitting their daughter who has OCD. She was 14 and didn’t need me anymore. But I wasn’t prepared for the deep depression that came upon me like a black cloud.

I was depressed because I was lonely and also sick. Because of my illness, I couldn’t leave the apartment. I was terribly lonely; I barely saw my daughters and grandchildren. I hated my new life so I decided to put a stop to it. I took my husbands sleeping pills and passed out on the living room floor. He found me like that and an ambulance took me to the hospital where I was saved once again. He only had 10 pills left, so they just put me in a bed where I hallucinated for hours and eventually became normal.

I have told some of this story before, but I heard something on a podcast last night that brought it all back to me. The podcast is: The Zeitcast with Jonathan Martin. The topic was: Religious Trauma, Depression, & Suicide in the Church. One of the things his guest, Tony Caldwell, said was wonderful. He said something like, “When someone wants to kill themselves, something has to die alright, but not the person. It is the thoughts that make you want to kill yourself.”  Yes! Just wow! If only depressed people knew this was possible. We can change our thinking! We just have to learn how.

What helped me the most when I was depressed, besides therapy, and writing a journal, was reading this, “If you want to kill yourself, it is because you love that thing you are killing yourself over more than you love God.” I am a Christian, and I’ve been one since I was 19. I was sure I loved God more than anyone, but I was wrong. I knew God wouldn’t want me to kill myself, but I didn’t care. I was horribly lonely and hated my life the way it was, therefore, I loved my family more than God. I wanted them more than I wanted God. That is where my heart was.

So, I turned to God and said, “Well, Lord, it is just you and me now. I pray you will give me some purpose and something to live for. He did. He came close to me with comfort. I spent more time praying, especially when sad feelings came. I asked him to find things for me to do, and he did. I started painting and woodworking. I finally had a reason to get out of bed. Slowly, I became happy and now I feel full of joy almost all the time. Whenever I start feeling sad, I praise God out loud and quote the Bible. The feeling of joy returns. This is a daily struggle, but now that I know God always comes through for me, I never, ever feel hopeless.

I used to feel like such a misfit. I used to feel I didn’t belong. But God has shown me I am exactly the person he wants me to be and I always was because he has been with me, helping me. I now see my weakness as a great asset, for it has brought me to him and shown me how much I need him. Suffering has also made me sympathetic towards others.

After God refused to heal Paul of a “thorn” in his life he wrote, 

“He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me.  That is why, for the sake of Christ, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9,10

From Then Until Now. Bio of the Last 8 Years.

I’m embarrassed to write this post because by the time a person is 63 or 64, she should be smart enough not to mess-up in such a spectacular fashion. Especially a Christian. But then, I’ve never been a normal Christian, so that may explain it.

Okay, so my husband and I lived with our daughter, Christine, and her family, for 10 years so I could take care of her daughter, Faith, who had OCD. When Faith turned 14, she was doing quite well and didn’t need me anymore. My daughter sold their house and when it came time to move, my husband and I rented an apartment. Christine and her family moved to another city because of her husband’s job.

I didn’t know I would slowly fall apart. I was used to seeing both of my daughters and my grandchildren every day. Suddenly, I’m alone all day in an apartment without a car. My husband works in another city 45 minutes away. I thought about getting involved with a mental health program for adults. I could meet other people like myself and they had painting classes and outings. I really wanted to try this, but I became sick with digestive problems which made me afraid to leave the house. I simply couldn’t get on a bus and ride around town because I never knew when I would get sick.

When this happened, I felt devastated. I was very lonely. I couldn’t even visit my mom except on weekends when I had the car. We couldn’t afford two cars. That would have solved my problems, but it was impossible.

My husband and I would sometimes drive and go see Christine and family in their new digs, but I have fibromyalgia and traveling is painful. I rarely saw my oldest daughter anymore. She had a lot on her mind taking care of her son and step-children. So, there I was, lonely and depressed. No one to talk with; no one to be with.

I started asking God to take my life. I couldn’t see any reason to hang around and be bored to death. Sometimes, I stayed in bed all day. Nothing interested me. I didn’t like TV and you can only read so much. Empty hours stretched ahead of me and seemed like a life sentence in jail.

I was having trouble sleeping, I always have, and decided to take some sleeping pills. After I took one, I thought, “Why don’t you finish the bottle?” So I did. All together only 11 sleeping pills. I hoped it was enough, but wasn’t sure. Before I took them, God spoke to my heart and said, “Call a suicide hotline.”  But I felt embarrassed to do that. I was very embarrassed by who I was. It is embarrassing to be mentally ill.

Long story short, my husband came home and I was passed out on the floor. I woke up in the hospital in a delirium. It took hours for the effect of the pills to wear off. And let me tell you, being delirious in front of tons of people is embarrassing.  I should have called the hotline. As usual, God was right.

The chief psychiatrist wanted to admit me, but my husband told him of a time years ago when I was admitted into a hospital for a suspected heart attack and had lost my mind. I disassociated and became a little girl again, afraid of being raped and crying non-stop. They drugged me at that hospital so I was calm enough to have tests. So, my husband told the psychiatrist the same thing would happen again.  He didn’t admit me, but I had to go to counseling. 

I went back to see my previous counselor, who is a Christian. She helped me quite a bit and I started making journals of my life from birth until now. I joined, Brave Girl’s Club, which is online. They charge a small fee, but it was well worth the money. The site helps you with journal ideas and encourages you to like yourself.

Then I read something that changed everything for me. I can’t remember what book or blog I read this on, but the author wrote, “Whatever you want to kill yourself over, you love that thing or person more than God.”

Well, that shocked me, but after reading the whole chapter, I believed it was true. Why did I want to kill myself? Quite a few reasons, but the biggest was I was lonely and missed my girls and grandchildren. So, I thought, I must love them more than God. I thought I loved God above all people and all things, but I was wrong. Sure I was lonely, but shouldn’t having God in my life been enough? 

I said to God that day, “Okay, God. It’s just you and me now. I’m going to spend tons and tons of time with you. I need you to be enough for me because I have no one else.”

Lo and behold, he was enough. Each day got better and better. I was still waking up depressed though, and remembered what Joyce Meyer says about quoting Scripture out loud when you are depressed. I still do that every morning. As I do, I feel God’s peace and love. My shoulders relax and I smile – first thing in the morning! Lol  A miracle for me.

I told the Lord how bored I was. I asked him to find some activity for me that I would enjoy. I went on the internet looking up different crafts when I came upon wood carving. I had always been interested in sculpture and wood carving looked easier and cheaper. So, I bought some firewood, pine and balsa wood. I wasn’t strong enough to do it by hand, so my husband bought me a Dremel with a bunch of sanders and cutters. I really enjoyed working with wood. I made quite a few items. I’ll post some pics.

Afterwards, I decided to try my hand at painting and I like doing that even more than working with wood. I talk with God about my projects and ask him to help me. He does. I still spend lots of time with him, because I know it is him who keeps me alive and interested in life. I’m rarely ever depressed, and if I feel sad I run to Him right away and stay there til I feel better. 

What have I learned through this? I’ve learned if all you have is God – he is enough. I think that if I hadn’t gotten sick or had a car and gone out a lot etc. I wouldn’t have found out how little I loved and appreciated God. I wouldn’t have learned what a wonderful father, brother, friend, counselor and husband he is. I thank God now for what I went through and how I suffered, because through it, I learned the most wonderful thing I have ever known in my life – God loves me and I love God.

Suicide - How Does God See It?

Fragile Emotion

Photo by: Don http://www.flickr.com/people/97224989@N00

My beloved nephew, Ian, killed himself a month ago. He was 45 years old. He had paranoid schizophrenia.

I remember reading some religions believe suicide is a sin. Even a sin God can't forgive. I don't believe that. I've been suicidal myself; I have a mental illness because of my abusive father. Elijah wanted to die, so did Jeremiah and Job. God didn't tell any of them they sinned in that wish.

Ian quit taking his medication, which a lot of people with schizophrenia do. He kept refusing to take it until he was having delusions every day. I won't go into detail about his illness, what I wanted to share about him was his journey to God.

About a year or more ago, Ian started getting interested in spiritual things. He wanted to find the "true" religion. He studied Buddhism, Islam and Christianity. He used to call me and we would talk about these religions. He asked me why I thought Christianity was the true religion and I told him. Then he started asking me about the different Christian religions. I told him of some of the different beliefs that were out there. He asked me about the church I grew up in, which is the Seventh-Day-Adventist Church.

I explained our beliefs to him. So, he went and visited some churches in his community in Washington, State. I asked which one he liked best, and he did say the Adventist church. He asked about why we worship on Saturday instead of Sunday, and I told him all the reasons.

When my mother broke her hip and was in the hospital, Ian came to see her and stayed with us. He came twice. We talked some more about God, and why I believed he was the true God. All the rest of the time he talked with me it was about his delusions of being followed and how he was putting us in danger just by visiting us. He thought the government was after him, but I never did understand why he thought that. He talked about conspiracies, but I don't know what kind. He thought he had special powers.

The only time he talked sanely was when he talked about God. The last day he was here, he said he had made up his mind and believed in God and Jesus and also would not work on Sabbath again. I was very happy for him. As he drove away for the last time, I said to God, "Oh Lord, what are you going to do for him?"

He killed himself a few days later. I think God stepped back and let it happen. Ian had turned to God, given himself to him and that was what God was waiting for. Ian will now have the peace he longed for when Jesus returns. We will see him and hug him again, and he will be all well. I'm so looking forward to that day. I'll see my brother, grandson, Ian, my grandmothers and who knows who else? And of course I will get to see Jesus and the face of my father God. Oh yes, I am excited about that day.

If You Do This...That Will Happen. (Not Necessarily.)

Me, walking by the Pacific Ocean when I lived in Vancouver, BC.

I walked one to two hours a day. Loved living there.

I remember when I was in my thirties, forties, and fifties. I was always trying to lose weight. I used to buy women's magazines and each decade they would have a new idea on dieting. The first was having a low-fat diet. If you cut your fat intake down to so many teaspoons a day - you will lose weight. I did it for a year. Try enjoying toast with 1/2 tsp. of butter. I did it, but I never lost a pound.

They would tell us to walk for half an hour to an hour a day and we would lose weight. I did it for years. I did get toned up, but I never lost a pound. They told us to do aerobic exercises for half hour a day. Our metabolism would go up and we would lose weight. I did that by going to a gym, doing step-aerobics and going on the treadmill. I never lost a pound. I did look better though. I looked like I lost 10 pounds, but I didn't!

The one time I did lose weight was when I joined Weight Watchers. They put you on a 1,200 calorie a day diet. I lost weight the first week and every week thereafter. It isn't easy. I was hungry all the time. But that's how it goes if you want to lose weight. Now that I'm old and sick and can't walk far, I gained all that weight back. But at 66, I don't care too much.

I've also read if you have a bad habit, such as drinking Pepsi every day, if you stop it for one to three months your craving for it will go away. I did stop drinking Pepsi one time, I still craved it 2 years later. I don't know where all these health experts come from but they are wrong about a lot of things.

In my Christian life, I've noticed that when Joyce Meyer says if you quote the Bible out loud if you are feeling depressed, peace and joy will come to you. And she says the more you do it, the easier it is to do. The more you fight depressing thoughts with good thoughts from the Bible, the happier you will become. I started doing this regularly about a year and a half ago. I found it to be true.

Because I was sexually and physically abused by my father from a very young age, I have always struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. Some years were better than others, but a crisis could bring on a terrible depression that could last a long time. I think if I had done what Joyce said, all those years ago, I wouldn't have had the trouble I've had. My life would have been happier. I didn't know the power of the Scriptures or the power of God for so many years.

But I'm so happy to have learned God's power personally. I used to wake up each morning wishing I was dead. Now, I wake up happy, knowing God will help me through the day and make me feel good about life. It has been an amazing 18 months of chasing sad thoughts away, amazing because it actually works!

If You Do This...That Will Happen. (Not Necessarily.)

Me, walking by the Pacific Ocean when I lived in Vancouver, BC.

I walked one to two hours a day. Loved living there.

I remember when I was in my thirties, forties, and fifties. I was always trying to lose weight. I used to buy women's magazines and each decade they would have a new idea on dieting. The first was having a low-fat diet. If you cut your fat intake down to so many teaspoons a day - you will lose weight. I did it for a year. Try enjoying toast with 1/2 tsp. of butter. I did it, but I never lost a pound.

They would tell us to walk for half an hour to an hour a day and we would lose weight. I did it for years. I did get toned up, but I never lost a pound. They told us to do aerobic exercises for half hour a day. Our metabolism would go up and we would lose weight. I did that by going to a gym, doing step-aerobics and going on the treadmill. I never lost a pound. I did look better though. I looked like I lost 10 pounds, but I didn't!

The one time I did lose weight was when I joined Weight Watchers. They put you on a 1,200 calorie a day diet. I lost weight the first week and every week thereafter. It isn't easy. I was hungry all the time. But that's how it goes if you want to lose weight. Now that I'm old and sick and can't walk far, I gained all that weight back. But at 66, I don't care too much.

I've also read if you have a bad habit, such as drinking Pepsi every day, if you stop it for one to three months your craving for it will go away. I did stop drinking Pepsi one time, I still craved it 2 years later. I don't know where all these health experts come from but they are wrong about a lot of things.

In my Christian life, I've noticed that when Joyce Meyer says if you quote the Bible out loud if you are feeling depressed, peace and joy will come to you. And she says the more you do it, the easier it is to do. The more you fight depressing thoughts with good thoughts from the Bible, the happier you will become. I started doing this regularly about a year and a half ago. I found it to be true.

Because I was sexually and physically abused by my father from a very young age, I have always struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. Some years were better than others, but a crisis could bring on a terrible depression that could last a long time. I think if I had done what Joyce said, all those years ago, I wouldn't have had the trouble I've had. My life would have been happier. I didn't know the power of the Scriptures or the power of God for so many years.

But I'm so happy to have learned God's power personally. I used to wake up each morning wishing I was dead. Now, I wake up happy, knowing God will help me through the day and make me feel good about life. It has been an amazing 18 months of chasing sad thoughts away, amazing because it actually works!

Is God Enough?

Although I've been a Christian since I was 19 and am now 66 years old, I have been a dumb, slow-learning Christian. Lots of times I have learned something good and then when the chips are down, I forget what I've learned. I'm sharing this for those who are also slow-learners in the Christian life. You can take heart, because you are not alone.

When my grandson died 4 years ago, it was my worst nightmare come true. I had always hoped and prayed no one young in my family would die. But it was not to be, and I know God knows everything and is all-wise, therefore he knows best.

I wondered how I would be able to cope with Craig's death. I loved him so much it was like he was a son instead of a grandson. I had babysat him for many years. When I first heard the news, of course I started screaming and crying; but as soon as my husband told me what Craig's last words to him were, I had instant peace.

Craig said, "Thank you both for praying for me."

I knew that God was telling us Craig would be saved and I would see him again. I still felt the pain of his death but a wonderful peace settled on me and that peace has never left. A few times, when I saw a video of Craig or a photo, I could feel my stomach lurch and pain in my heart. But I would turn to God and he was enough. He filled me with his peace and love.

God is enough when someone you love dies.

About two years ago, after I moved out of my daughter's house and quit babysitting my granddaughter, I became severely depressed. My husband and I lived alone; we didn't see our girls or grandchildren very often. I was so lonely and bored. I tried to find things to occupy my time but nothing worked. I felt dead inside. There was nothing to live for and so I took sleeping pills.

Well, obviously I didn't die. I went to therapy and tried to find a reason to live. Therapy helped me think more positively but this is what surprised me; God became enough for me. I told him how lonely I was and how I needed him and how it was just him and me now. It's amazing, but God's friendship became enough for me. I started to have happy days with him. I talked with him off and on during the day. I read the Bible more and Christian books and listened to on-line sermons. The days got better and better.

God is enough when you have lost everything you lived for.

I didn't know God would be enough to live for. I didn't know he could give me such happiness.

I told God how bored I was. I needed some ideas of what to do with myself. He did give me ideas for some arts and crafts hobbies. I am happier than I have been in my life. This has shocked me. This I did not expect.

God is enough when you are sick of life.

My sister lost all her possessions, except her old van, when she became sick and couldn't work. She lived with us for 2 years, but got sicker because of all the plant life here. She has many problems, one of them being allergies. So, she packed up her van and moved to Washington State which is free of almost all pollens. She became a little stronger and could at least go to a store and buy groceries and get out of bed.

As she became more accustomed to camping out in her van, she told me, "I have never been this happy in my life."

God is enough when you lose everything you own.

I thought I'd put some photos up of some of my art projects.

My granddaughter, Hope.

My granddaughter, Cherish.

Nancy Drew Altered Book.

Book of growing flowers.

Little Women.

The Pearl of Great Price.

Do You Feel Like Giving Up?

Who am I?

Yesterday, I saw a question online. It asked, "When did you give up?"

I thought about that. I remember giving up wanting a husband after my divorce. It was when I gave up and left it to God that he brought me my new husband. I remember giving up on trying to give advice to my adult daughters. I had to let them go and trust their lives to God. I remember giving up worrying about the environment when 9/11 happened. I knew then we would blow each other up and went out and bought some paper towels. (I know, I know, I'm stupid sometimes.)

I remember giving up on myself, that I could do anything to save myself. God did the saving on the cross. I just had to trust in him and get to know him as a father, brother and friend. 

I remember giving up on life and taking sleeping pills. That happened last year. I guess I gave up on God too at the time.

I was so lonely; achingly lonely; my heart was in so much pain. But God has shown me, through therapy and the Bible, that he is enough for me; that I need no one but Him. He is enough. He can fill my heart and end my loneliness by being beside me all day and night. I just have to ask and believe, and I do. There is a song Don Moen sings called, "God Will Make A Way." It is true, no matter what is going on in your life, God will make a way to happiness and peace.

All this came into my mind this morning after reading this verse:

"I would have lost heart, if I had not believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."  Psalm 27:13

Who Is God?

Someone who dispenses hope like candy. He is, "The God of all hope..."

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."   Romans 15:13