Accidentally Ironic.

 

http://atitudeadventista.blogspot.com/2012/01/voce-daria-vida-de-seu-filho-por.html

I once read a book written by an atheist. I think I got the book free when I belonged to Bookbub, but I'm not sure. I can't remember the author or the title of the book. Even so, I think I deserve a break on this because I'm 72, but that's up to you. 

What I do remember was the shock I felt when I realized it was a book about prominent atheists throughout history. I'm a Christian, and somehow the title made me think it was a Christian book. I decided to read it anyway. What struck me was how many of the people he described had killed themselves. Meanwhile, he would write about how great it was to be an atheist. I had to laugh at the irony of that, but also felt very sorry for the ones who died that way.

I think of atheists sometimes and wonder how they can go through life believing there will be nothing for them after death. Just an eternal unconsciousness; never to see the ones you love again. My first husband's mother once asked me why on earth I would want to be a Christian. I answered, "Eternal life?" She did not think that was an important enough reason to lose her son. He wanted to leave me if I insisted on being a Christian. It wasn't really his fault. I gave myself to God after we were married for a year, and I changed. I wasn't the same party girl I was when we met and fell in love.

I believe the reasons for being an atheist is the unsound teachings of the churches. I know quite a bit about the teachings of different Christian churches, and I disagree with pretty well all of them. Not their entire dogma, but some of it. 

For instance, I don't believe God will throw unbelievers into a hell where they will be in pain forever. This is a horrible teaching that has probably kept millions of people from becoming Christians. I don't believe God waits around for us to screw up so he can punish us. I used to believe that because I come from a fundamentalist religion. So yes, I kept expecting lightening to strike me down every day.

I don't believe consensual sexual sins are worse than any other sins. Actually, I would bet they are not very important sins at all. Jesus barely mentioned them What he spoke about was the high and mighty people who took advantage of the poor, the widows and the orphans. He told people who thought they were better than others that they were not. He spoke a lot about money and how we must share it. He said loving money was a terrible sin that caused many people to be lost. 

He warned people about looking down on others for any reason. Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God before you. For John came to you in a righteous way and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him.  Matthew 21:31,32 It was because of Jesus telling the elite religious people what they were doing wrong that they killed him. 

There is a verse in the Bible I think of when I think of atheists. "Taste, and see that the Lord is good." I wish those who don't believe in God would just give him a chance. Just pray and read the Bible, especially the New Testament. I'm not sure if that verse means, "Try God on, like you would a coat at a store." But I believe if you are sincere about wanting to know if God exists, ask him to let you know. He will. 

 

Fear.

Fear. An overwhelming emotion I’ve had all my life. At the age of 72, fear still invades my mind, even though I rarely leave my apartment in an attempt to not risk being afraid and acting strange in public. But of course, in your apartment you can fear all the things that haven’t happened yet, but surely will. You can fear you aren’t being a good enough wife, mother and grandmother. You can fear you aren’t a good enough Christian, that there is always more you could do for God and for people. You can look back on your life and fear it was mostly a waste.

I know where this fear comes from. When I was two years old, my father beat me black and blue because I would cry at night and not go to sleep. (He told me this himself). He sexually abused me until I was 10. My sister told me she wished she could kill me. She said she’d love to put a pillow over my face and smother me. This is how I learned to fear my family.

When I was very young, my sister told me the Japanese neighbors, who lived across the street, poisoned children with soup. She warned me never to go near their house. So, I learned to fear neighbors. In first grade, I had a teacher who would whip the boys with tree branches. We could hear their screams from the room beside us. So, I learned to fear school. When we visited my grandparents in Los Angeles, my sister told me not to walk down alleys because men would put a bucket over my head and drive nails through it. So, I learned to be afraid in large cities.

I feared God. I was raised in a fundamentalist church and there was a lot of talk about sin. It was pounded into us that any sin at all was horrible. I wanted to be a Christian, but I knew I could never, ever be that good. When I did come to Jesus at 19, whenever I sinned I expected God to kill me. I’m still a Christian and I know better now.

I was crippled by fear. I remember when I was 6 I had to walk a far bit to school. I would drag the toes of my shoes along sidewalk, wearing them out, because I didn’t want to go. I also dragged my shoes on the way home. There was a railroad track between the school and home. I loved watching the trains as they sped by. I loved looking at them when they were just sitting there. My desire was to jump on one that would take me far away. But to where? I didn’t know.

High school was a particular kind of fear. When I started grade 10, I didn’t know anyone at the school. I hid in a stall in the bathroom at lunchtime for three months. I finally met a nice girl and we were friends for a time. I made other friends, but the friendships never lasted more than six months. Even now, I don’t know why.

Dating was a nightmare. I was so afraid on dates I couldn’t speak. I had some really cool guys ask me out, but I was horribly boring. In order to enjoy my company, the guy would have had to be a non-stop talker. (My first husband. Lol)

I found out boys always wanted to touch you. I didn’t find it hard to say no. The first time a boy tried to take my bra off I said, “What are you doing?” I really didn’t know. I figured it out. My father hated me dating and called me a slut. I was a virgin. I dated a boy once and he told everyone I was easy and he screwed me. A lie. After that, I didn’t care too much about staying a virgin. I lost that status after I was date-raped. Not that I knew what it was. I had passed out from drinking and woke up by being thrown on the bed, my clothes taken off and then him inside me. To be honest, he was very good looking and I liked being wanted by him. There was blood on the bed, and he asked in horror, “Are you a virgin?” I told him I was. I think he was ashamed of what he did, but I don’t really know. Any time I saw him at school, he looked away.

Grade 11 I decided to run away from home and go to San Francisco because that’s where the hippie movement was located. My father caught me stealing money from his wallet in the middle of the night. I told my parents how unhappy I was. They decided to send me to Canada to stay with relatives. I was happy to get away and that is where I married my first husband. (The one who never stops talking. He is still like that, and it’s strange that even now when I see him, I feel a warmth for him. I’m afraid no one else likes him because they say he is narcissistic.)

Okay, I have explained why I have this fear inside me. I have been to therapy a few times and it helped me very much. I went to anxiety groups. I began to understand why I do what I do, but none of that took my fear away. I tried to get a university degree, and I did make it through 2 years with high grades, but my mental illness got in the way and I quit.

Most jobs I tried were over in one day because of my fear. My second husband is very understanding. Living on one wage most of our marriage has been close to impossible, but he never complains. I still apologize to him because I’ve felt guilty about how hard life has been for us. I did do some babysitting and I worked as a janitor for a year. This was to buy school clothes for our two daughters.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I guess I wanted to let people know why some people are afraid, why some people can’t work, even though they are intelligent and look normal. I wanted to let people know this kind of fear is a mental illness. I want Christians to know that even though a fearful person prays about it, sometimes the fear never leaves.

C.S. Lewis told a friend who had a mental illness to realize it is like losing a leg. God isn’t going to grow the leg back, but he will help you live without it. I can attest to that. God has given me the greatest comfort, joy and love than any person has given me. He is amazing. My biggest problem is sometimes forgetting to talk with him about my feelings and worries. I do it, but I want to do it every time I’m upset about anything and many times I forget.

Jesus said, “Don’t worry about tomorrow, about what you will eat, drink or wear. Each day has problems of its own.” He promised we don’t need to fear because he is with us. Paul wrote, “Have no anxiety about anything, but with petitions and prayers, with thanksgiving, make your requests to God and the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” I repeat these verses to myself and they always help.

I didn’t know that when you become a Christian, you would still have problems in your life that don’t go away quickly. In fact, you may have to pray about that problem until Jesus comes back or you die. I wish I had known that in the beginning of my walk with God, but I didn’t, so I keep marching on knowing God loves me just as I am.

 

Is God A Narcissist?

 I was watching an old Bill Maher show the other night and he started ranting about God and Christianity. I know how he feels about religion, so it was no surprise. I like watching his show, "Real Time with Bill Maher, because I think he is on the right side of many issues and I like the guests. Also, I like him because he seems totally honest about what he thinks. He is like a breath of fresh air in the middle of a dark smog of lies.

So, this time he said something I hadn't heard before, he said something like, "God is narcissistic." He said the first three commandments out of the ten was all about God and how we had to worship only him.

That is true. God did say that, along with the fact that he is the only God and there are no others. But the things God says and does always have a deep and loving reason. If you study the Bible, you can understand why he says, "You shall have no other Gods besides me." It is death to do anything else.

We are involved in a war of the universe, a war between good and evil. God says to worship him because that is how we declare we are in allegiance with him and against evil. Evil started in heaven where there was a great war. Satan and his angels against the angels who sided with God. Satan lost the battle and was thrown out. When Adam and Eve chose to disobey an easy command of God's, they chose the side against God, and we have all paid for that choice. That part wasn't really fair for the rest of humanity, so God made a way of escape and salvation which is available to everyone on earth.

I'm not like the majority of Christians who think that people have to know the story of Jesus' sacrifice before they can be saved to live in heaven. I believe God gave us all a conscience to teach us in the right way to go. He put a light in us so that we can choose to follow him or not. The Book of John says, "The true light, who gives light to every man, was coming into the world." 

I am 72 years old, and if there is one thing I know about God, he will gladly run to any person who turns towards him and asks for help to understand all the things we don't understand about life and death. He will patiently, over many years, teach and strengthen anyone who asks. And that's the thing. You have to ask. Although his Spirit calls us and is in our minds, He will not force himself on anyone.

A lot of people think God is a tyrant because he did cause the death of many nations in the Old Testament. I used to wonder why God did that, so I studied what those people were like. They were pretty horrible; the worst of their practices was burning their children alive to their gods. They did much more than this, they were violent, greedy, slave traders, rapists, and thieves who would go to towns and steal their produce from their farms. Not the kind of people you would want in your neighborhood. They also committed genocide, which is what people accuse God of doing. But God is not a man. He knows who to kill and who to keep alive. I believe he killed those people to protect the world from them.

I will tell you a true story of what happened to a friend of our family. Her daughter had a boyfriend who was an abuser and beat her, but she kept going back to him. A familiar story. She became pregnant and he was put in jail for something violent, I don't remember what. He hated our friend and her husband because they tried to talk their daughter into leaving him, but she wouldn't. He used to threaten to harm them.  

The day came for him to leave jail, and he was living with her daughter and acting horrible, as usual. Our friend was beside herself with worry and grief. My family all began praying for her and her daughter. A week later, the violent boyfriend died in a car crash. The police said they believed it was a suicide. When my granddaughter told me this I said, "Well, he can't harm anyone ever again." I was relieved when he died and so was everyone else. I'm sorry, but evil people scare me, and I want no part of them. Just think of the movies and how much you want the evil bad-guy to get caught or die. I trust God's decisions. He made the universe; he knows what he is doing. I want to live under his government because it is founded on love, righteousness and mercy. He cannot bring anyone to heaven who doesn't agree with that, and I'm glad.

My sister always says, "It is hard to be lost." She knows how almost everyone she meets has thought about God in one way or the other. I found that to be true in the jobs I did when I was young. Eventually, on a lunch break or after work, a conversation would come up about belief in God or religion. Everyone there had an experience with this. Most had made a decision one way or the other. 

God wants to talk with you. In the Bible he pleads and begs people to come to him. He wants you to come live with him forever. He wants you to know how much he loves you and your family. 

One thing about the Bible. It is not an easy book with easy answers. There are verses in there that seem to say something, but when you read the Bible as a whole, you will see you may have interpreted them wrongly. Some verses seem to say God will not allow you to be harmed, but we know from reading about his prophets that some of them were harmed and some were killed. I think the verses that promise prosperity and safety refer to heaven. God does save and protect his people many, many times, but not always. Some of us die a terrible death, some get cancer, some suffer with a chronic illness. This is our cross in this world. Jesus carried his cross of suffering and he said, "Take up your cross and follow me." He will give us strength to do that, to endure anything in this world, if you ask him.