Endurance in Suffering, Loneliness and Boredom.

Photo by Andy Armstrong.

I was reading, “Life at its Best,” by Eugene H. Peterson. He is the man who wrote the translation of the Bible called, “The Message.” Chapter 12 is entitled, “Hope,” and is about persevering in the Christian life. I found it to be helpful and full of encouragement.

I have written before how the Lord said to me, “You lack endurance.” This was at a time when I thought my life was empty, lonely and useless. God told me what I needed was endurance. I said, “Endurance! Who cares about endurance? Just get me out of here.” By that, I meant this world. But he said, “I could do that. But what if I told you that you would be helping people if you stayed?” I reluctantly said, “Well, alright.”

At the time, I had no idea how much my mother, daughters and grandchildren would need me in the future. God has shown me again and again how I could help them and I’ve very grateful to him for not taking me to heaven, as I had asked.

I started reading about endurance and tried to learn it and asked God to give it to me. My life became wonderful, peaceful and hopeful. He showed me that he is enough to fill my life. I didn’t need anyone or anything else.

I thought I would share a bit of what I read this morning with all of you. I don’t always agree with everything Peterson writes, but he is just a man and I don’t expect to agree with every Christian. So, here are some excerpts from chapter 12:

"Perseverance means we keep going. We do not quit when we find we are not yet mature and there is still a long journey ahead of us." 

"Endurance is not a desperate hanging on but a traveling from strength to strength."

"God sticks to his relationships. He establishes a relationship and stays with it. The central reality for Christians is the personal, unalterable, persevering commitment that God makes to us. Perseverance is not the result of our determination; it is the result of God's faithfulness to us."

"Christian discipleship is a process of paying more and more attention to God's righteousness and less and less attention to our own, finding the meaning of our lives not by probing our moods and motives and morals, but by believing in God's will and purposes; making a map of faithfulness of God, not charting the rise and fall of our enthusiasms. It is out of such a reality that we acquire perseverance."

"That is what the writer of the New Testament letter to the Hebrew Christians did when writing about the people of the Old Testament. God stuck by them through thick and thin in such a way they were able to persevere. All made their share of mistakes, sins and rebellion, but God stuck with them so consistently and surely that they learned how to stick with God.”

“Out of the litany comes the call: 'Let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the pioneer and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.'"

From Then Until Now. Bio of the Last 8 Years.

I’m embarrassed to write this post because by the time a person is 63 or 64, she should be smart enough not to mess-up in such a spectacular fashion. Especially a Christian. But then, I’ve never been a normal Christian, so that may explain it.

Okay, so my husband and I lived with our daughter, Christine, and her family, for 10 years so I could take care of her daughter, Faith, who had OCD. When Faith turned 14, she was doing quite well and didn’t need me anymore. My daughter sold their house and when it came time to move, my husband and I rented an apartment. Christine and her family moved to another city because of her husband’s job.

I didn’t know I would slowly fall apart. I was used to seeing both of my daughters and my grandchildren every day. Suddenly, I’m alone all day in an apartment without a car. My husband works in another city 45 minutes away. I thought about getting involved with a mental health program for adults. I could meet other people like myself and they had painting classes and outings. I really wanted to try this, but I became sick with digestive problems which made me afraid to leave the house. I simply couldn’t get on a bus and ride around town because I never knew when I would get sick.

When this happened, I felt devastated. I was very lonely. I couldn’t even visit my mom except on weekends when I had the car. We couldn’t afford two cars. That would have solved my problems, but it was impossible.

My husband and I would sometimes drive and go see Christine and family in their new digs, but I have fibromyalgia and traveling is painful. I rarely saw my oldest daughter anymore. She had a lot on her mind taking care of her son and step-children. So, there I was, lonely and depressed. No one to talk with; no one to be with.

I started asking God to take my life. I couldn’t see any reason to hang around and be bored to death. Sometimes, I stayed in bed all day. Nothing interested me. I didn’t like TV and you can only read so much. Empty hours stretched ahead of me and seemed like a life sentence in jail.

I was having trouble sleeping, I always have, and decided to take some sleeping pills. After I took one, I thought, “Why don’t you finish the bottle?” So I did. All together only 11 sleeping pills. I hoped it was enough, but wasn’t sure. Before I took them, God spoke to my heart and said, “Call a suicide hotline.”  But I felt embarrassed to do that. I was very embarrassed by who I was. It is embarrassing to be mentally ill.

Long story short, my husband came home and I was passed out on the floor. I woke up in the hospital in a delirium. It took hours for the effect of the pills to wear off. And let me tell you, being delirious in front of tons of people is embarrassing.  I should have called the hotline. As usual, God was right.

The chief psychiatrist wanted to admit me, but my husband told him of a time years ago when I was admitted into a hospital for a suspected heart attack and had lost my mind. I disassociated and became a little girl again, afraid of being raped and crying non-stop. They drugged me at that hospital so I was calm enough to have tests. So, my husband told the psychiatrist the same thing would happen again.  He didn’t admit me, but I had to go to counseling. 

I went back to see my previous counselor, who is a Christian. She helped me quite a bit and I started making journals of my life from birth until now. I joined, Brave Girl’s Club, which is online. They charge a small fee, but it was well worth the money. The site helps you with journal ideas and encourages you to like yourself.

Then I read something that changed everything for me. I can’t remember what book or blog I read this on, but the author wrote, “Whatever you want to kill yourself over, you love that thing or person more than God.”

Well, that shocked me, but after reading the whole chapter, I believed it was true. Why did I want to kill myself? Quite a few reasons, but the biggest was I was lonely and missed my girls and grandchildren. So, I thought, I must love them more than God. I thought I loved God above all people and all things, but I was wrong. Sure I was lonely, but shouldn’t having God in my life been enough? 

I said to God that day, “Okay, God. It’s just you and me now. I’m going to spend tons and tons of time with you. I need you to be enough for me because I have no one else.”

Lo and behold, he was enough. Each day got better and better. I was still waking up depressed though, and remembered what Joyce Meyer says about quoting Scripture out loud when you are depressed. I still do that every morning. As I do, I feel God’s peace and love. My shoulders relax and I smile – first thing in the morning! Lol  A miracle for me.

I told the Lord how bored I was. I asked him to find some activity for me that I would enjoy. I went on the internet looking up different crafts when I came upon wood carving. I had always been interested in sculpture and wood carving looked easier and cheaper. So, I bought some firewood, pine and balsa wood. I wasn’t strong enough to do it by hand, so my husband bought me a Dremel with a bunch of sanders and cutters. I really enjoyed working with wood. I made quite a few items. I’ll post some pics.

Afterwards, I decided to try my hand at painting and I like doing that even more than working with wood. I talk with God about my projects and ask him to help me. He does. I still spend lots of time with him, because I know it is him who keeps me alive and interested in life. I’m rarely ever depressed, and if I feel sad I run to Him right away and stay there til I feel better. 

What have I learned through this? I’ve learned if all you have is God – he is enough. I think that if I hadn’t gotten sick or had a car and gone out a lot etc. I wouldn’t have found out how little I loved and appreciated God. I wouldn’t have learned what a wonderful father, brother, friend, counselor and husband he is. I thank God now for what I went through and how I suffered, because through it, I learned the most wonderful thing I have ever known in my life – God loves me and I love God.

Never Feel Alone.

Photo by,Wolfgang Sauber

Thus says the LORD,

 "Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, 
let not the mighty man boast of his might, 
let not a rich man boast of his riches; 
but let him who boasts boast of this, 
that he understands and knows Me, 
that I am the LORD who exercises loving kindness, justice and righteousness on earth; 
for I delight in these things," declares the LORD.   Jeremiah 9:24

Jesus said, "And this is eternal life, that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent."   John 17:3

Do you want to know God? If you have never come to him before there is a way to know him. You just ask him to help you get to know him and then read the Bible. He will reveal himself to everyone who asks.

"I will give them a heart to know Me, for I am the LORD; and they will be My people, and I will be their God, for they will return to Me with their whole heart."   Jeremiah 24:7

Years ago, a blogger, who was considering becoming a Christian, asked her followers, "Are you glad you became a Christian?"  I said, "It was the best decision I've ever made."

There is nothing like knowing you can turn to God about everything in your life. To know the Creator of the universe is interested in you and cares about your day. He cares about your children, your job, your health, your desires and thoughts. He wants to walk and talk with you, share his love and comfort. He wants to fill you with love, confidence and peace. Believing all this may take time, but it will come eventually if you don't give up seeking.

Once you understand God loves and accepts you just as you are, you never feel alone.