Thank you very much for your prayers for me. I woke up this morning and I felt better. The clouds had lifted by the power of God.

This morning, I woke from a dream. In the dream there was a large round table. There were about 10 people sitting around the table with playing cards in their hands. I sat down in an empty chair. My cards were face down in front of me. I could see the cards of the other players. Everyone had a 3 in their hand. I looked down at my cards and thought, "I need to have a 3 also so I will be like all the others." I picked up my cards and I did have a 3. I felt happy, then I woke up.

I would guess the dream represents how I feel around people, even family. I need to be like them to fit in. Everything I do should match up with other people so they will love me. I don't want to be different. I want to fit in. I want to please people, and if I don't, I feel devastated.

I've known this about myself, but I guess I need to face it and pray about it. It was frightening to make a mistake when I was young because my father could become very angry. He never believed me if I said I didn't know something was wrong. He would say, "Don't give me that. You know better." I didn't really. He always thought I was lying about things and when I was a teen he called me a slut. I had not had sex with any boy at the time, but after that I decided I didn't care anymore because he already thought I was having lots of sex. The only kind of sex I'd ever had was with him when I was younger.

Joyce Meyer says, "The only way out is through." She said that about her sexual abuse. She didn't want to deal with it, but God showed her she needed to. I've dealt with mine too, I think. But there are always going to be after-effects of our childhoods. No one gets completely away from that. It is a large part of who we are.

Thankfully, God tells us, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."


I am a new person compared to the person I was before I met Jesus. Giving my life to him was the best decision I ever made. He has made many parts of my life so beautiful. My most precious dream was to have children. He gave me two daughters and now 7 grandchildren. I feel most blessed, my dream came true and he multiplied it. One day I will live with God in heaven - my most precious dream now.

He never sleeps
He never slumbers
He never tires of hearing our prayers
When we are weak
He becomes stronger
So rest in his love
Cast all of your cares on him.


From "He Never Sleeps," by Don Moen.

Jack-in-the-Box.

My brain feels broken. I can’t believe this is happening. I’ve had so many weeks of coping well since my mom broke her hip. Mental illness is like a Jack-in-the-box. The music plays, I am coping well, I dance to the music, then, without warning, the evil clown pops up. The music stops and I’m afraid.

I thought the clown was gone.  I thought I had dealt with him and found the secret to happiness and coping well with life in a consistent manner.  I thought God and I had this at last.

The problem is my brain beats me up any time I make a mistake. As an example, this morning I poured myself some coffee and remembered the time I made some coffee for my daughter and it was terrible and she poured it down the sink.

This happens to me daily. Something happens and it reminds me of a mistake I have made. When I have made a lot of mistakes in a row, I start losing it. I listen to good music, but it doesn’t help as much as it usually does. I’m praying, yes. But prayer feels different. I’m too full of myself and not enough of God. I go from prayer to thinking sad thoughts. Sad thoughts move into despair. I shake them and they come back.

The one thought that helps me is that I have been through this before and worse. By God encouraging me, I have made it out of darkness into the light. I know this will happen again. I cling to this thought.

Meanwhile, I am cleaning the house, taking care of my mother and making dinners (my nemesis). I don’t share how shaky I feel, because there is no point. No one but God can help me and I know that. I don’t need to make everyone else feel bad.

One small thing that bothers me is not knowing if I can make it to the dentist next week. Will I be able to leave the house?  I’m getting more and more afraid of leaving the house unless someone comes with me. I feel like just giving up and canceling the appointment like I have done over the last year and a half.

It has been a hard 6 months. My mother fell, broke her hip and then all the trouble with the hospitals and rehab facility. Then my sweet nephew died. My husband is not happy lately about his life. Nothing I say helps him. I guess it is a miracle I am still coping – sort of. If you can call this coping.

Well, enough of that. I’ve been wanting to write about a beautiful verse on how God makes his footsteps a path for us to walk.

“Righteousness will go before Him and will make His footsteps into a way.”  Psalm 85:13

“Righteousness and justice are the foundation of Your throne; Lovingkindness and truth go before You.”  Psalm 89:14

The lyrics from the song, “Feel Your Love,” by Don Moen and Frank Edwards have helped me too.

It’s in your name that I found love.
I give you praise for all you’ve done.
You call me by my name, I wll trust in you.

I feel your love surround me.

I Feel Like A Blob of Slime.

The prayer that is prayed most often in the Bible is, "Lord, have mercy on me."

Someone said God cannot pass by one who says this prayer; not that I think he would bypass any sincere prayer.

Today, I feel like shouting, as Jesus walks by, "Lord, have mercy on me!"

It's been a tough day. I took my mom to the hospital for some scans. We had to take a taxi there and back. My poor mom is weak and can barely walk. She got so tired. She had to drink some stuff that was yucky and felt sick afterwards.

I have social phobia. I'm really frightened of being with people and having to interact with them. So, there are the cab drivers, nurses and patients. I felt nauseated before we even left.  By the time we were done with the hospital and walked in the door, we were both a mess; me, mentally; my mom, physically. We grabbed a bite and went to bed.

I woke at 1:00 pm feeling depressed and hating my life again. But I know how to combat those thoughts by praising and thanking God and looking at the good things. I was okay then. So, I opened my email and there was a nasty letter from someone I don't even know. I felt sick again, physically and mentally.

I've said to my husband, "I don't even know these people. Why do I get sick from what they say about me?"  Oh well, I've marked that site as spam now. I guess all the fear comes from the horrible fear I had of my father as a child. Anger towards me turns me into a puddle of slime on the floor.

And now when I feel afraid, I get these enormous asthma coughing spells. Just writing about this has started me coughing. I talked with my mom about it and started coughing. My sprays hardly work. Obituary: Died from a nasty e-mail. Coughed to death.

That is how my dear brother died. Asthma. Now it is stalking me. I think, "If you had more faith, you idiot, you wouldn't have all this fear and asthma." I'm sure that is true, which gets me coughing even more. Lol

Aren't you glad I shared?

I better go before I pass out. Anyway, I would appreciate some prayers for me.
I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow. May God bless all  who come and visit. In spite of my problems, I know God loves and cares for me just as I am.