My Childhood Heroes.

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I remember going to see the movie, “Peter Pan,” when I was a very little girl. The scene that sticks in my mind is when Peter rescues Tiger Lily from drowning. From that moment, he was my hero. I probably didn’t know what the word hero meant, but I was in love.

Later on, Superman was my hero and the last one was Cary Grant, the movie star. He rescued a lot of women too. “Notorious” was my favorite movie. He played the role of a spy during WWII. Ingrid Bergman was a fellow spy too and she married a man who was helping the Nazis. Her husband found out she was a spy and started to slowly poison her. The scene I remember the most was Cary Grant coming to their house and finding her in bed. He realized she was very sick and asked what had happened. She smiled when she saw him, touched his cheek and said, “They’re poisoning me.”

At this point in the movie they were in love, but he was angry at her for marrying the other man. All anger left, only love filled the room. He picked her up out of bed and began taking her down the staircase to the front door and his car. The husband heard them and came out. There was a big scene, but they got away.

I think I was strongly drawn to Peter Pan, Superman and Cary Grant because I felt in danger by my father who was abusing me sexually and sometimes physically. I wanted to be rescued. As I aged, I lived in a fairytale world of looking for my hero.

Of course, I never found him, I found human, fallible men who sometimes loved me well and sometimes hurt me badly. I had unrealistic expectations of what a marriage would be. I was asking too much from the men who loved me. I chose men who were overly confident, because I had no confidence in myself. I chose men with a temper, since that is what I grew up with and it was familiar.

I wish I had understood myself and men when I was a young woman. Alas, that isn’t how life usually is. Walking through life is how you learn about yourself and other people. Now I’m 73 and I write about my experiences in the hopes I can help other people. After all, it is through books and therapy that I learned what I was thinking was wrong. But I am happy to report that since my husband had a stroke and we are now together 24/7 all that learning has helped us have a close relationship and happy retirement.

I did finally find my hero though; it was Jesus all along. I wanted to belong to Jesus when I was a little girl, but I had heard you couldn’t sin when you became a Christian. I knew that wasn’t possible for me, so I gave up. But that was another lie in my head. God doesn’t care if I’m perfect. Jesus was perfect for me – the great plan of salvation.

I had all these thoughts about my unrealistic expectation of life as I lay on the sofa listening to Danny Gorkey singing, “This is What it Means.” Here are the lyrics.

I've built some dreams
I've held them close
Celebrated perfect days
I lost the one i loved the most
Now she's 6 feet of earth away

I've cried til I thought I couldn't stop
And I've laughed until it hurt
And I've prayed in an empty parking lot
And my friends were my church

Sometimes the joy can give you wings to fly
Sometimes the pain will cut you so just like a knife
There's fear, there's faith, there's loss, there's grace
I've seen it from both sides
This is what it means to be alive, alive
This is what it means to be alive

I've seen the face, I've held the hand
Of a child without a home
A casualty of circumstance
Written off and all alone
I've cried for the wars that they've been through
And i've walked by their side
I've watched what the power of love can do
And how it changes lives

Sometimes the joy can give you wings to fly
Sometimes the pain will cut you so just like a knife
There's fear, there's faith, there's loss, there's grace
I've seen it from both sides
This is what it means to be alive, alive
This is what it means to be alive
This is what it means, this is what it means, this is what it means to be alive, alive
This is what it means, yeah

Sometimes the joy can give you wings to fly
Sometimes the pain will cut you so just like a knife
There's fear, there's faith, there's loss, there's grace
I've seen it from both sides
This is what it means to be alive

Jesus, the Bridegroom.

Psalm 45 is a song about the Messiah. On the surface, it speaks of a king. But this king is too glorious to be just any king; it is about King Jesus. So, I thought I’d write it out that way.


Psalm 45

My heart is overflowing with admiration when I think about Jesus! I pray my pen will do him justice.


You are the most excellent of all humans! Your mouth is anointed with grace; God has blessed you forever.


Strap your sword to your side, Mighty Warrior! Clothe yourself with splendor and majesty! Ride forth in victory! Defend the cause of truth, humility and justice. May your hand achieve awesome deeds.


May your sharp arrows pierce the hearts of your enemies. May the nations fall beneath your feet.


Your throne, O God, will last forever and ever. Your scepter is one of justice.

Jesus, you love what is good and hate what is evil. That is why your Father has lifted you above all angels and human beings. He then anointed you with the oil of gladness.


All your clothing, Jesus, is fragrant with the best perfume. You came, and then returned to the ivory palaces where the music of strings makes you glad. Your women are daughters of the King. At your right hand is your royal bride (those who follow Jesus) decked in gold. 


Listen, royal bride, forget your people and father’s house. May the King be in rapture by your beauty. Honor him, for he is your Lord. His bride is all glorious; her gown is interwoven with gold. She is led to the King and her friends follow her into the palace. Everyone is filled with joy. Her sons will be princes in the land.


I will remember you Lord and praise you forever and ever!

Thank You God, for My Suffering.

Joyce Meyer

I was watching Joyce Meyer this morning, and she spoke about going through trials, pain and suffering and how these things equip us for the future. They equip us with experience that we can then use to help other people. She said we usually don’t realize this until we are older and can look back on our lives.

Joyce used the example of Joseph’s life, which if you read it in Genesis Chapters 37-50, will explain why “But Joseph replied, “Do not be afraid. Am I in the place of God? As for you, what you intended against me for evil, God intended for good, in order to accomplish a day like this—to preserve the lives of many people.”


Just the other day, my sister said to me, “When you used to come to Nevada to visit me, it surprised me how my bad temper didn’t upset you. When I raged about something, most people didn’t like it and would get upset, but you would just sit there working on your crossword puzzle.”


I said to her, “I realized a few years ago, that the years of having my husband lose his temper had taught me not to take anger personally. I read a book that explained bad-tempered people are not actually mad at you; they are angry about something else, usually their childhood.”


Living with my husband and praying about my own temper, has been good for me. I didn’t think so at the time, in fact, I hated it, but God used that so I could learn to let people go and not be upset about what they say and do. I haven’t learned this perfectly, but most of the time when someone is mad at me or at something else, I feel at peace about it.


My husband rarely loses his temper now. We have both learned how useless it is to be angry at people. When he does slip and flip-out, we pause and then start laughing. This is what can happen when you follow Jesus through your life. We are both in our late sixties and both of us have learned through suffering and praying. It is God alone who changes us as we ask him.


My sister and I are very close, even though we live miles apart. Through email, Messenger and phone calls, we share our happiness, sorrows and how God is working in our lives. She has helped me so much in so many ways. She says I have helped her. This deep, Christian friendship is what I have needed. I can tell her anything and know I will be understood; she can do the same with me. I pray all you who read this will have a friend like that.


The other thing I have learned through suffering is compassion. I believe if a person goes through life with everything going their way, they will probably be proud and selfish. How can we understand the suffering of others if we never go through it ourselves?


I read a millionaire say, “Anyone can do what I have done and be rich.” I suppose he can say that because he has never had a family member who is not as smart as him. He doesn’t realize that intelligence makes a huge difference in how successful we will be in this world. His parents probably sent him to a wonderful university where he learned what he needed to learn.


There are those who suffer mental illness. People like me, who have no confidence and are terrified to work with other people. People like me who freeze and are speechless and so afraid to make a mistake on a job they can’t function. People like me, who were horribly abused as a child.


I can now say to God, “Thank you for all my suffering.” I never thought I would ever, ever say that, but I can see the beauty that can come from it. I would rather be who I am, with all my weakness, than proud in my own strength. I can say with David, “The Lord is my strength,” because I know how true that is.

Short Bio of My Late 20's. How God Helped Me in Spite of Me.

…If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. For the Scripture says, “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.”    Romans 10:9-11

My last post was the beginning of a short bio of my life and how God has helped me through everything. It is also about how people change, how my conception of God has changed over the years. In fact, it is still changing.

Late 20s:   After my divorce, I was very lonely. I went to church each week, but there were no single there. After three years, I met a man through my job. He was the best friend of one of my co-workers. We started dating and I liked him a lot. He was fun,  seemed kind and really liked my daughters. He started going to church with us.

One day, I asked God if it was okay if I married this man. I knew he had already bought a ring and was planning on asking me. The Lord spoke to me, which I did not expect, and quoted a verse that was in the Bible, “What agreement does Satan have with God?”

So, God was saying my boyfriend was an unbeliever and would stay that way. I was rebellious and kept dating him. I was so afraid of being alone again, and I hadn’t yet learned to trust God. But a few things happened that showed me the man was indeed evil. One of those things had to do with my oldest daughter. He didn’t do anything, but he said something about her that was sexual. I broke up with him immediately.

I told God then that I would quit looking and hoping for a man. I decided not to date again. The next day my cousin, Bonnie, called. She asked me to go to a Bible study with her. I went and enjoyed it very much. Afterwards, we went to have coffee with two of her friends, two Christian men.

We had a good chat and I got up to leave. I didn’t think I would ever see those guys again. But as I was leaving, one of them asked me what I was doing the next day, a Sunday. I told him my mom and dad had a table at a flea market and I was going to help them. He asked where it was and I told him. I was clueless that he wanted to see me.

He came to the flea market and spent the day with me. Then he asked me to go to a church songfest with him and I said okay. We started dating and he was a total gentleman, which I wasn’t used to. We eventually married and are still married 40 years later. 

The Lord gave me a Christian husband when I was least expecting one and when I had given up trying myself! I have since learned that God is like that. He wants us to rely on him completely and not on ourselves. He waits till we try all our various ways of making things happen and when we turn to him in defeat, well, that’s when he works. It is better if we just go to God first, telling him we accept whatever he wants for us; it saves a considerable amount of time.

Just before I met my husband, a new preacher came to our church and taught us all about having righteousness by faith alone. After learning this, I was no longer afraid God would kill me for the least infraction. I had my first inkling that God might actually loved me. 

My new husband, who had only recently become a Christian and had never gone to church before, kept teaching me this. He had a strong faith in God, he still does, and I also learned from him about feelings. The first night I met him I said, “I don’t feel like God loves me.”  He said, “Well, it’s a good thing we don’t rely on our feelings, isn’t it?”  I was stunned at this thought. I think I had always been guided by my feelings. It still took many years for me to get over doing this, but that night I did believe what he said. As far as my relationship with God went, I quit relying on my feelings.

So during these years, the Lord kept me from marrying the wrong man, in spite of my rebellion. He gave me a Christian husband who helped me spiritually and I learned we are saved by God’s grace alone, not by anything we've done.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”  

 Ephesians 2:8,9

Who is God in His Core Being?

I was listening to a sermon the other day and the preacher asked, “Who do you think God is at his core being?”  Coming from a legalistic church, my first thought was, “Righteous.”  I asked my sister what she thought and she said, “Love, because the Bible says God is love.”  I said, “Well you are closer to what he said than me. He said, “God is family.”

God is family. That threw me at first. But then he went on to prove it from the Bible and I could see it and I felt really happy about that. God is about relationships through family. How nice. How truly lovely. I’ve always wanted deep, close relationships with each member of my family.

The preacher said that when God came here to create a new world, he created the man differently than anything else. The animals and inanimate objects, he spoke and they came into being. But with the man, he shaped him out of clay and then leaned down and breathed into his mouth the breath of life. It is a moving picture of love.

Then God made Eve; he did not speak her into existence, he took a part of Adam and shaped that part into Eve. Adam said, “This is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bones.” The Bible says they were now one. God then told them to have children, make a bigger family. Those children would come out of their flesh also, and you can’t get much closer than that!

All through the Old Testament, God called his people his children or sons.

 “…for I am a father to Israel, and Ephraim is my firstborn.”  Jeremiah 3:19

“You are the sons of the LORD your God. You shall not cut yourselves or make any baldness on your foreheads for the dead.  Deuteronomy 14:1

“Hear, O heavens, and give ear, O earth; for the LORD has spoken: “Children have I reared and brought up, but they have rebelled against me.”  Isaiah 1:2

As always, the New Testament agrees with the Old. The first miracle Jesus performed was at a wedding. All his family and friends were there. His presence shows us the importance of a new family being made.

Here are some verses from the New Testament on us being the chidren of God:

 “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him.”  1 John 3:1

“The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God,and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. Romans 8:17,18

 “But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.”  John 1:13

The Angels are also the sons of God.

“For they cannot die anymore, because they are equal to angels and are sons of God, being sons of the resurrection.”  Luke 20:36

"Son of Man."

Jesus called himself the, “Son of Man,” more than any other title or name. That name shows how he considers himself one of us, and not just when he was here, but for eternity. He calls us his brothers and sisters. He is part of our family and we are part of his. The Father and the Holy Spirit are one with us and Jesus is one with them. John 17

I love the last words Jesus said to us, in the book of Revelation:

“The Spirit and the Bride say, ‘Come.’ And let the one who hears say, ‘Come.’ And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price. Yes, I am coming soon.”

Let us all be drawn to Jesus and go to the marriage supper of the Lamb.

And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are the true words of God.”   Revelation 19:9

Living, Breathing, Walking Miracles.

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I was thinking about someone I know. She has been an on and off Christian for at least 25 years. Like me, she gets confused about who God is and what he wants. Well, about 2 years ago, she decided she was done questioning and wavering. She was going to get with God and stay there. The change in her has been miraculous.  She is happier, more peaceful, more loving, giving and kind.

As I thought about this, I thought how every Christian is a walking miracle. Some say there are no miracles anymore. I know there are; I’ve seen them.  But it is also a miracle how God changes our thinking and feelings. Some of the things I used to love, I now feel nothing for. Some of those things are big, some are small. But it was God who changed me, not me myself.

A personal story:  30 years ago my husband and I were not happy together. I think we both thought we had made a mistake in getting married. At that time, I had a job as a janitor and my husband worked for the gas company. A man at my job slowly started to like me. I slowly began to enjoy his company. A woman at my husband’s work started flirting with him. She told him she was lonely. Eventually she asked him to leave me. The man at my job asked me to leave Dan and be with him.

At the time I prayed, “I see Lord, how this is happening to both of us at the same time. Satan wants to break up our marriage.”  I prayed earnestly for months about how I felt about this co-worker and asked for deliverance. Soon, he was given a different position and we didn’t see each other any longer. Also, God had taken the feelings I had for him away. My husband introduced the woman at his job to another man who worked there.  She dated him and they eventually got married.

I love how the Lord dealt with everything. He helped both me and my husband to remain faithful without having to quit our jobs. He ruled over our feelings because we asked him to. Without God, I’m sure we would have cheated on each other and our marriage would have been over. How God worked within our hearts was a miracle.

I’ve learned through Joyce Meyer how Satan tries to use our feelings to rule over us. I’ve learned from God that he can take my feelings and change them. This brings such freedom to my heart, because I know however bad I feel, God can come to me with good. He lifts my head and makes me see what really matters – his love for me and for the world.

“But You, O LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, and the one who lifts my head.”

Psalm 3:3

Love, Marriage and Words.

Hubby and I on our wedding day.

I was posting earlier about the words I speak and also about not getting irritated. The Lord is truly working because today, when I was irritated with my husband I was immediately impressed to tell him he was right that I had no reason to feel that way. He was trying to show me how to empty the water out of a can of sliced mushrooms. I just wanted to do it my own way and he wouldn't give me the can. He is a methodical, practical person who thinks everything should be done in a certain way. I am a fly-by-night person who wings it a lot to save time; I do something one way and then maybe next time I'll do it another way. We both drive each other crazy.

Anyway, I rejoice in how God is helping me to quickly see my errors. I suppose this is why it is important to talk with God about our faults, but also not worry about them. He will fix things. It is fun to watch him work on my stubborn heart.

I remember many years ago, I was going for walks each day. My husband was on vacation and asked to come along. I was happy for the company. We stopped at the end of the driveway and he asked, "Where are we going? What's the route you take?"  I told him, "I never plan a route; I just start walking."

He couldn't live with that. It was too much for him, so he said, "Let's plan a route." I was irritated, but I could see we would be going nowhere if I didn't go along. We planned a route.

God has shown me why my husband doesn't like spontaneity. His childhood was chaotic; he never knew when his father would beat him. He would sometimes be woken out of sleep to be beaten. One time he was brushing his teeth and his father smashed his head into the sink. So, my husband needs all things planned. No surprises.

This is where understanding and compassion comes into play in a marriage. We may not understand our spouse; we may think they are crazy, but there are always, always reasons for what we do and how we look at life. Planning things is not a big enough deal to fight about. Of course, if your husband treats you like crap, that is worth dealing with. It must be dealt with but in a loving way.

My husband has to put up with my craziness too. I look on the dark side of life; every time my daughter drives all the way to Kelowna to visit, I picture her in a big car crash. I read the news and figure the world is falling apart. My husband? A total optimist. Naturally. We call him, "Walmart is always open." because if he wants it to be open, it is. (He told my daughter it was open til 10:00 pm and it wasn't.)

I want to be a blessing to my husband. I want to always be kind, loving and understanding. I want to always speak with good words, words of encouragement and love. I can see God is helping me do that and it makes me so happy.

Feelings Irritate Me.

Sometimes I have wished I didn't have feelings. Feelings have tripped me up all my life; especially before I read Joyce Meyer's books and watched her videos. She helped me to understand feelings and how I didn't have to let them rule me.

But still, I sometimes wish... My marriage is full of feelings, good and bad. When the feelings are bad I say to God, "Lord, throw my anger into the sea." I thought that would take care of everything. I was wrong. The angry feelings just go down, down, down into my heart and then erupt like a volcano.

So, I tried a different prayer. "Lord, stop me before I start yelling and swearing at him." Oh yes, I do that; not often, but I do it. The Lord did do this for me. The next day my hubby was upset with me about (nothing, trust me) and was irritated and asking why I did this and that. (closed a cupboard door that he wanted open) I could feel this rage rising in me and then I thought, "No." I answered calmly. Okay, this was great.

The next day, I asked hubby something and he said, "Why do you bother me when I'm watching TV?" If I didn't talk to him while he was watching TV I would never talk to him at all. I felt the rage rising. He came into the room, I looked up and screamed, "Lord, help me not to swear at him!"

That night, I asked God, "Where did this rage come from? I don't like it or want it. I want to feel nothing if he hurts my feelings."  I talked and talked with God, and I got my answer as I talked. I said, "I'm tired of being constantly rejected by him. Every time I talk with him he acts like I'm a pain or a bother."

Okay, that's what it was. Something my husband and I had talked about 6 months ago and he had changed and things were better; but now he had reverted to his previous behavior. I wished I could just ignore it, but I knew I couldn't. We would have to have the "talk" about our marriage again. I knew it would hurt his feelings because he doesn't realize how much he hurts me.

I told God I didn't want to talk with him again. I was sick of the whole thing. Still, talking about it and getting it out there was better than rage, swearing and acting not like Jesus. Jesus would never, ever do what I did. He might get some cords and whack some tables, but he wouldn't swear at people.

One thing I know, if I don't confront and face things that are upsetting me I won't get over it. God made us that way. It's like when I was molested as a child. I had to have years of therapy. One day I knew I had to face it head-on and work through it. God made us that way. I wonder why? I'm not sure, but I do know he knows what he's doing. So even though I would like to be a happy robot, I trust God about giving us feelings.