Hills and Valleys.

Mt. Carmel: Wikipedia

I listen to Annie F. Downs who has a podcast called, “That’s Sounds Fun.” I listen to her on Spotify which also has a huge library of music. Sometimes Annie has musicians on her show. When she does, I go listen to some of their songs. I’ve found many beautiful Christian music this way. Listening to songs about God makes my heart soar, and there are always good lessons in the lyrics.

One song I found recently is called, “Hills and Valleys,” sung by Tauren Wells.  It is my favorite song right now. What I find in Christian music is that I can put myself in the lyrics or I think of the people from the Bible. “Hills and Valleys” speaks to the fact we all go through highs and lows in our spiritual lives. I wish I had known that as a young Christian because then I might not have been so despairing in my low times. I thought I was a bad Christian and I just didn’t know how to live the life and have faith like other Christians.

When I first heard this song, I imagined myself on hills and going through valleys. But I’m afraid my hills aren’t very inspiring. With my psychological makeup I have been mostly slogging through valleys. So, I thought about people in the Bible. First there is Moses. He was on the mountaintop with God. He spoke face to face with God. He was given the tablets of the Ten Commandments written with God’s own finger. But then there were his valleys. He spent 40 years travelling around the desert with a bunch of people that kept complaining until he finally lost his temper and God did not appreciate it. Still, like the song says, he kept his eyes on God. He didn’t turn away. And he was a humble man He knew he didn’t get to that mountaintop on his own. It was God who made him what he was, a great man of faith, and when he was in the valley, God himself buried him.

Then there is Elijah. He was on the mountaintop with God on Mt. Carmel. He prayed and fire came down from heaven to prove God was God of the whole world and there was none other. Like the song says, he didn’t get there on his own, but that same day, Elijah became afraid and ran away from Queen Jezebel. He didn’t ask God what to do, he just ran for his life. He was in a valley. He ran for miles and miles and even told God he wanted to die. He was discouraged, but he kept his eyes on God. He ran, but he didn’t run from God and God sent an angel to help him.

Jesus. He was on a few mountaintops. He gave the Sermon on the Mount. He climbed a mountain with Peter, James and John. As he was praying, Moses and Elijah came down from heaven to talk with him about his death. He was transfigured there and became bright as the sun. But very soon after that he walked through the Kidron Valley to the Mt. of Olives, there to go through his greatest suffering. When Jesus was on mountaintops, he didn’t get there on his own either. His Father was with him. He said he did nothing without the Father. And through his valley, he kept praying and keeping his eyes on his Father who sent an angel to strengthen him.

In each of these stories, God took each one to heaven after they had gone through a valley. So, don’t be discouraged if you are going through a valley right now. One day, either here or in heaven, you will be standing on a mountaintop with God.

Assumptions.

"Disappointment" by Julius LeBlanc Stewart.

When I was in my early 20s, I went to a prayer meeting where the preacher said, “Isn’t it wonderful to be a Christian. We don’t suffer from the ups and downs of emotions like neurotic people.”

I’ll never forget sitting there thinking, “My emotions are up and down. Am I neurotic? Is that what is wrong with me? He is saying it means you aren’t a Christian! Is that right?”

This happened in the 1970s. I would bet most pastors now realize most of their congregation is neurotic in some way or another. Here is the definition from Wikipedia:

Neuroticism is one of the Big Five higher-order personality traits in the study of psychology. Individuals who score high on neuroticism are more likely than average to be moody and to experience such feelings as anxiety, worry, fear, anger, frustration, envy, jealousy, guilt, depressed mood, and loneliness.^[1] People who are neurotic respond worse to stressors and are more likely to interpret ordinary situations as threatening and minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult. They are often self-conscious and shy, and they may have trouble controlling urges and delaying gratification.

I don’t know, but it sounds like most of us to me.

I confess, I have done what that preacher did: assume. He assumed none of us in the room had those up and down emotions because he didn’t. He assumed all Christians were like him. He assumed Christ had taken care of all that in everyone.

I have assumed things about people. I have often said, “Well, they weren’t real Christians if they could do that!” You know what? That was wrong of me. I was actually saying they had no relationship with God at all. I don’t think I had the right to say that.

Our lives are a journey with God; we learn on this journey. We walk, fall, get up, run, crawl, get up, walk…  The times we fall may be when we are closest to God, who knows? Not you, not me. I am so guilty of the sin of judging people. I’m ashamed of myself and pray I will quit doing it. I know very well there are people who think I am not a Christian because of things I do. 

I hope and pray I can just love people without judging them. Just love them. Let God worry about what they are doing. Let him clean them up and clean me up in his own time. 

In closing, on my last post I mixed up which quotations I was putting together. I left out a really good quote by Thomas a Kempis about feelings that I still want to post. So here it is:

MY SON, trust not to your feelings, for they will quickly be changed into something else. As long as you live you are subject to change, even against your will; so that you are at one time merry, then sad; at one time quiet, then troubled; now devout, then worldly; now diligent, then listless; now grave, and presently light-hearted. 

But he that is wise and well instructed in the spirit stands firm upon these changeable things; not heeding what he feels in himself, or which way the wind of instability blows; but that the whole intention of his mind may tend to the right. 

So, I guess that pastor was wrong. We can have emotions that swing all over the place and still be Christians.

The Melt-Down of a Christian.

From the end of the earth, I will call to you, when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. 

For You have been a refuge for me, A tower of strength against the enemy.

Let me dwell in Your tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings. 

Psalm 61:2-4

Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me; My heart is appalled within me.

I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Your doings; I muse on the work of Your hands.

I stretch out my hands to You; My soul longs for You, as a parched land. 

Psalm 146:3-6

For the first time in a very long time, today I was thinking about death with longing in my heart. I looked at the sunset, and wished I never had to see another one. These are familiar thoughts for me, but because of Joyce Meyer's teachings, I haven't had them for a long time. 

My heart has been overwhelmed this week. As the Psalmist said, my heart has been appalled within me. So, I began looking up Scripture, like the two verses above. I quoted Scripture, and remembered how God had helped me through these things in the past, and I felt at peace. 

When my emotions had calmed down, I talked with God about how I never seem to get used to the fact I live in a fallen, sinful world where people die and get hurt; I'm continually shocked when I read the newspaper at how horrible this world can be. How many years do I have to live here before life doesn't shock or depress me? 

My family is going through some trials right now. I don't mind going through trials myself, (well, I do) but I loathe seeing anyone else suffering. It feels like my heart is breaking. Right now, my sweet sister-in-law of my sister Liz, has been told her cancerous tumor has shrunk, but it is still at stage 4, which is terminal. 

My niece was injured at work last week. She works for a TV show doing hair and make-up. She was loading the truck with her stuff when the driver lurched forward. Her arm was stuck and it was pulled and wrenched and she can't use it now. I hope it will heal completely, but who knows?

Yesterday, my granddaughter's kneecap was pulled sideways out of its socket. She was screaming in pain and the paramedics had to knock her out to get her into the ambulance. They gave her pain pills that put her in a delirium. She thought she was in Interstellar with Matthew Mcconaughy.  Then she came out of it, they wrapped her knee and she went home. Later she had a panic attack and had to go back to the hospital. She is scared stiff the knee will come out again. They put a splint on it. She can't move for a week. She is coming to my place for me to take care of while her boyfriend is at work.

My youngest daughter had to move to Lethbridge, Alberta from Princeton, BC in JANUARY- in CANADA!  If you live in Canada, you know what that can mean. Well, the weather was good until the last two hours when a blizzard hit. She couldn't see the sides of the road through the mountains. She was following her husband's car and she felt he was going too fast so she just broke down and sobbed and sobbed while driving until they reached Lethbridge. At least she made it, but I worry about her poor psyche.

My grandson is still trying to get off drugs and is having a terrible time. He went to rehab, left and now had decided to take a drug at a drug clinic that may help him get off his drugs. His mom has been staying with him for the last month, trying to help him cut back, get clean etc. She looks like she has been through hell - and she has. I went with her to his place when he was in rehab for a day and a night. There are cigarette burns everywhere - all over his new sofa, all over his bed and on the new carpet. I was horrified, and wondered why the place hadn't gone up in flames by now. I guess I can thank God and fire-retardant chemicals for that. His mom told me when he is doing his drug of choice he falls asleep when he is smoking.

My husband has bones rubbing together and has to have back surgery soon. I have fibromyalgia every day and I've had a horrible cold for two weeks and have had to sit up to sleep for a week. One of my daughters needs money and we have none to give her. My mom lives with us and is extremely weak and frail.

There. I could go on, but I'll spare you if you have made it down the page this far. Yes, I feel overwhelmed and my heart hurts.

Thinking of how God has helped me in the past, I remember he saw me through the death of my other grandson, he gave me strength to take care of my mother when she was much sicker than she is now, he was with me through my husband's cancer and subsequent illnesses, he has helped me with fibromyalgia.

God has led me to the rock that is higher than I - Jesus. I look at his courage and his steadfast life with his Father and I know he can help me. He was assailed from many directions but he kept his peace. I can't see Jesus running around wondering what to do. No, he wasn't like that.

Jesus did feel overwhelmed in the garden of Gethsemane. God sent an angel to strengthen him, and God does that for us today. And he himself stands beside us to give us hope and strength. The Bible says he holds us by our right hand.  

"For I am the LORD your God, who upholds your right hand, Who says to you, 'Do not fear, I will help you.'"  Isaiah 41:13

One thing God brought to my mind this morning,is to live one day at a time. I should not look ahead to wonder how well I can look after Hope or how long my sweet sister Heather will live. Jesus told us, "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:34

Feelings Irritate Me.

Sometimes I have wished I didn't have feelings. Feelings have tripped me up all my life; especially before I read Joyce Meyer's books and watched her videos. She helped me to understand feelings and how I didn't have to let them rule me.

But still, I sometimes wish... My marriage is full of feelings, good and bad. When the feelings are bad I say to God, "Lord, throw my anger into the sea." I thought that would take care of everything. I was wrong. The angry feelings just go down, down, down into my heart and then erupt like a volcano.

So, I tried a different prayer. "Lord, stop me before I start yelling and swearing at him." Oh yes, I do that; not often, but I do it. The Lord did do this for me. The next day my hubby was upset with me about (nothing, trust me) and was irritated and asking why I did this and that. (closed a cupboard door that he wanted open) I could feel this rage rising in me and then I thought, "No." I answered calmly. Okay, this was great.

The next day, I asked hubby something and he said, "Why do you bother me when I'm watching TV?" If I didn't talk to him while he was watching TV I would never talk to him at all. I felt the rage rising. He came into the room, I looked up and screamed, "Lord, help me not to swear at him!"

That night, I asked God, "Where did this rage come from? I don't like it or want it. I want to feel nothing if he hurts my feelings."  I talked and talked with God, and I got my answer as I talked. I said, "I'm tired of being constantly rejected by him. Every time I talk with him he acts like I'm a pain or a bother."

Okay, that's what it was. Something my husband and I had talked about 6 months ago and he had changed and things were better; but now he had reverted to his previous behavior. I wished I could just ignore it, but I knew I couldn't. We would have to have the "talk" about our marriage again. I knew it would hurt his feelings because he doesn't realize how much he hurts me.

I told God I didn't want to talk with him again. I was sick of the whole thing. Still, talking about it and getting it out there was better than rage, swearing and acting not like Jesus. Jesus would never, ever do what I did. He might get some cords and whack some tables, but he wouldn't swear at people.

One thing I know, if I don't confront and face things that are upsetting me I won't get over it. God made us that way. It's like when I was molested as a child. I had to have years of therapy. One day I knew I had to face it head-on and work through it. God made us that way. I wonder why? I'm not sure, but I do know he knows what he's doing. So even though I would like to be a happy robot, I trust God about giving us feelings.

Emotions and God.

Photo by Proimos

http://www.flickr.com/people/34120957@N04

Who is God?

He is someone who cares about how we are feeling each day.

"When the Lord saw her, his heart overflowed with compassion. "Don't cry!" he said."  Luke 7:13

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."  Matthew 6:34

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Phil. 4:6

Do not fret because of those who are evil

or be envious of those who do wrong;

for like the grass they will soon wither,

like green plants they will soon die away.

Trust in the Lord and do good;

dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Take delight in the Lord,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,

your vindication like the noonday sun.

Be still before the Lord

and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when people succeed in their ways,

when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;

do not fret—it leads only to evil.

For those who are evil will be destroyed,

but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

A little while, and the wicked will be no more;

though you look for them, they will not be found.

But the meek will inherit the land

and enjoy peace and prosperity.

Psalm 37:1-11

Who am I?

Someone who let her feelings run amok day by day. Someone who took years to learn to give her feelings to God. Someone who now knows what a dangerous trap feelings can be.