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I remember going
to see the movie, “Peter Pan,” when I was a very little girl. The scene that
sticks in my mind is when Peter rescues Tiger Lily from drowning. From that
moment, he was my hero. I probably didn’t know what the word hero meant, but I
was in love.
Later on,
Superman was my hero and the last one was Cary Grant, the movie star. He rescued
a lot of women too. “Notorious” was my favorite movie. He played the role of a
spy during WWII. Ingrid Bergman was a fellow spy too and she married a man who
was helping the Nazis. Her husband found out she was a spy and started to
slowly poison her. The scene I remember the most was Cary Grant coming to their
house and finding her in bed. He realized she was very sick and asked what had happened.
She smiled when she saw him, touched his cheek and said, “They’re poisoning me.”
At this
point in the movie they were in love, but he was angry at her for marrying the
other man. All anger left, only love filled the room. He picked her up out of
bed and began taking her down the staircase to the front door and his car. The
husband heard them and came out. There was a big scene, but they got away.
I think I
was strongly drawn to Peter Pan, Superman and Cary Grant because I felt in
danger by my father who was abusing me sexually and sometimes physically. I
wanted to be rescued. As I aged, I lived in a fairytale world of looking for my
hero.
Of course, I
never found him, I found human, fallible men who sometimes loved me well and
sometimes hurt me badly. I had unrealistic expectations of what a marriage
would be. I was asking too much from the men who loved me. I chose men who were
overly confident, because I had no confidence in myself. I chose men with a
temper, since that is what I grew up with and it was familiar.
I wish I had
understood myself and men when I was a young woman. Alas, that isn’t how life
usually is. Walking through life is how you learn about yourself and other
people. Now I’m 73 and I write about my experiences in the hopes I can help
other people. After all, it is through books and therapy that I learned what I
was thinking was wrong. But I am happy to report that since my husband had a
stroke and we are now together 24/7 all that learning has helped us have a
close relationship and happy retirement.
I did
finally find my hero though; it was Jesus all along. I wanted to belong to
Jesus when I was a little girl, but I had heard you couldn’t sin when you became
a Christian. I knew that wasn’t possible for me, so I gave up. But that was
another lie in my head. God doesn’t care if I’m perfect. Jesus was perfect for
me – the great plan of salvation.
I had all
these thoughts about my unrealistic expectation of life as I lay on the sofa listening to Danny Gorkey
singing, “This is What it Means.” Here are the lyrics.
I've built some dreams
I've held them close
Celebrated perfect days
I lost the one i loved the most
Now she's 6 feet of earth away
I've cried til I thought I couldn't stop
And I've laughed until it hurt
And I've prayed in an empty parking lot
And my friends were my church
Sometimes the joy can give you wings to fly
Sometimes the pain will cut you so just like a
knife
There's fear, there's faith, there's loss, there's
grace
I've seen it from both sides
This is what it means to be alive, alive
This is what it means to be alive
I've seen the face, I've held the hand
Of a child without a home
A casualty of circumstance
Written off and all alone
I've cried for the wars that they've been through
And i've walked by their side
I've watched what the power of love can do
And how it changes lives
Sometimes the joy can give you wings to fly
Sometimes the pain will cut you so just like a
knife
There's fear, there's faith, there's loss, there's
grace
I've seen it from both sides
This is what it means to be alive, alive
This is what it means to be alive
This is what it means, this is what it means, this
is what it means to be alive, alive
This is what it means, yeah
Sometimes the joy can give you wings to fly
Sometimes the pain will cut you so just like a
knife
There's fear, there's faith, there's loss, there's
grace
I've seen it from both sides
This is what it means to be alive
