Jack-in-the-Box.

My brain feels broken. I can’t believe this is happening. I’ve had so many weeks of coping well since my mom broke her hip. Mental illness is like a Jack-in-the-box. The music plays, I am coping well, I dance to the music, then, without warning, the evil clown pops up. The music stops and I’m afraid.

I thought the clown was gone.  I thought I had dealt with him and found the secret to happiness and coping well with life in a consistent manner.  I thought God and I had this at last.

The problem is my brain beats me up any time I make a mistake. As an example, this morning I poured myself some coffee and remembered the time I made some coffee for my daughter and it was terrible and she poured it down the sink.

This happens to me daily. Something happens and it reminds me of a mistake I have made. When I have made a lot of mistakes in a row, I start losing it. I listen to good music, but it doesn’t help as much as it usually does. I’m praying, yes. But prayer feels different. I’m too full of myself and not enough of God. I go from prayer to thinking sad thoughts. Sad thoughts move into despair. I shake them and they come back.

The one thought that helps me is that I have been through this before and worse. By God encouraging me, I have made it out of darkness into the light. I know this will happen again. I cling to this thought.

Meanwhile, I am cleaning the house, taking care of my mother and making dinners (my nemesis). I don’t share how shaky I feel, because there is no point. No one but God can help me and I know that. I don’t need to make everyone else feel bad.

One small thing that bothers me is not knowing if I can make it to the dentist next week. Will I be able to leave the house?  I’m getting more and more afraid of leaving the house unless someone comes with me. I feel like just giving up and canceling the appointment like I have done over the last year and a half.

It has been a hard 6 months. My mother fell, broke her hip and then all the trouble with the hospitals and rehab facility. Then my sweet nephew died. My husband is not happy lately about his life. Nothing I say helps him. I guess it is a miracle I am still coping – sort of. If you can call this coping.

Well, enough of that. I’ve been wanting to write about a beautiful verse on how God makes his footsteps a path for us to walk.

“Righteousness will go before Him and will make His footsteps into a way.”  Psalm 85:13

“Righteousness and justice are the foundation of Your throne; Lovingkindness and truth go before You.”  Psalm 89:14

The lyrics from the song, “Feel Your Love,” by Don Moen and Frank Edwards have helped me too.

It’s in your name that I found love.
I give you praise for all you’ve done.
You call me by my name, I wll trust in you.

I feel your love surround me.

Where I Buy My Books.

Hello Everyone,

I wanted to share with you where I get the books I read. I don't have enough money to go to a Christian book store and buy those lovely books.

When e-books first came out, they were cheaper than paperbacks or hardcovers. That made sense, because with e-books the publisher has little cost involved in putting it on the internet. No paper, no binding ect.  But as with a lot of products, e-books were cheap at first and then went up and up. I decided not to buy them anymore because of this. I went back to buying used books, either at a book store or online.
But then I joined BookBub. It is a place where you can get books at very low prices, or sometimes just borrow and read. I also joined, at $10 per month, Kindle Unlimited at Amazon. Kindle books can now be downloaded to any device you have by using their free app.

I think most cities have e-libraries. I used to borrow from our local library through the internet. When the due date comes around, the book just disappears from your computer. All you need is a library card number.

I also get free books from Project Gutenberg.  www.gutenberg.org  They let you download any books for free; they do ask for donations, if you can do it. They deal in old books that have no copyright any longer. There are books of sermons that I enjoyed very much.

There is a wonderful book store online called, Abe Books.  abebooks.com  They deal in used books and ship free. The books themselves cost anywhere from $1 and up. The books I order from them are usually $4 - $6. That is a terrific price for a book. It works very well and it is pretty exciting to get a book in the mailbox. They ship all over the world. Most of my books come from England.

So, these are the places I buy Christian books. I just wanted to help some of you out in case you didn't know about these places.

Hurt Feelings? Tozer has the Answer.

Since my last post, I've been thinking and talking with God about the rage I felt against a person I am close to. I wanted to know why I felt that way and what to do about it so it wouldn't happen again. I know God loves me as I am, but like Paul, I strive to do better.

I've been reading, "The Pursuit of God," by A.W. Tozer. One of the chapters is on meekness. I knew God said Moses was the meekest man on earth and I knew Jesus called himself meek. They both had strong personalities and were leaders, so I wasn't sure what meekness was. But Tozer explains the "Meek Man" and from that, I could see my problem.


Here is an excerpt from that chapter:

"The heart’s fierce effort to protect itself from every slight, to shield its touchy honor from the bad opinion of friend and enemy, will never let the mind have rest. Continue this fight through the years and the burden will become intolerable.

Yet the sons of earth are carrying this burden continually, challenging every word spoken against them, cringing under every criticism, smarting under each fancied slight, tossing sleepless if another is preferred before them. Such a burden as this is not necessary to bear. Jesus calls us to His rest, and meekness is His method. 

The meek man cares not at all who is greater than he, for he has long ago decided that the esteem of the world is not worth the effort. He develops toward himself a kindly sense of humor and learns to say, “Oh, so you have been overlooked? They have placed someone else before you? They have whispered that you are pretty small stuff after all? And now you feel hurt because the world is saying about you the very things you have been saying about yourself? Only yesterday you were telling God that you were nothing, a mere worm of the dust. Where is your consistency? Come on, humble yourself and cease to care what men think.”

 He (the humble man) has accepted God’s estimate of his own life. He knows he is as weak and helpless as God has declared him to be, but paradoxically, he knows at the same time that he is, in the sight of God, more important than angels. In himself, nothing; in God, everything. That is his motto.

He knows well that the world will never see him as God sees him and he has stopped caring. He rests perfectly content to allow God to place His own values. He will be patient to wait for the day when everything will get its own price tag and real worth will come into its own. Then the righteous shall shine forth in the kingdom of their Father. He is willing to wait for that day. 

In the meantime, he will have attained a place of soul rest. As he walks on in meekness he will be happy to let God defend him. The old struggle to defend himself is over. He has found the peace which meekness brings."

After reading this a few times, I could see that what I wanted was for the other person to think well of me. I want him to think I’m terrific, and when I feel he doesn’t then I freak out. I’m way too sensitive of my ego. I depend too much on what others think of me. It is enough that God thinks a lot of me. If I have that clearly in my mind, I think that I won’t care what others say to me. I can just keep living happily in the light and joy of my relationship with God.

Rage and the Christian.

Today, I felt rage flooding up inside me. Someone said to me, “Why didn’t you ask me to help you earlier? I’m tired now.”

I did ask you earlier. The thing is, there is no good time to ask you. Any time is the wrong time. Everything I say is the wrong thing. Everything I do is done wrong.

That’s what the rage was saying to my heart. It feels weird to be that angry. I usually don’t have too much trouble with anger. I say, "I did ask you." You say, "No, you didn't."

There is no winning this argument. The argument itself is a dead loss. Nothing will change. I know that, but sometimes I'll keep arguing anyway. I only shut up today because I could feel God there in the room with us.

I thought about Jesus. What would he do if someone was finding fault with him? He would be patient, loving and not take offence. Did he feel anger and have to deal with it? Yes, I think so.

 The Bible says Jesus was tempted in everything as we are. It isn’t a sin to feel anger, but it is a sin to let it make you do wrong. It is a sin if you nurse your anger and let it turn to hate.

I was listening to Don Moen’s song, “Be Still/Know I am God.” It is my favorite song. It helped me once again in seeing I needed to soar with my Father above the flood of my emotions. I needed to be still and know he is God. He can lift me above anger and resentment. He can make me act how Jesus acted when he was here.

Be Still  (Lyrics)

By Don Moen

Hide me now

Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

CHORUS:
When the oceans rise
And the thunders roar
I Will soar with You
Above the storm
Father You are King
Over the flood
And I will be still
And know You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

Be still and know
That I am God

I am the God
That healeth thee

Latest Paintings. God is Our Strength.

This is the largest painting I've done since learning on youtube. I wanted to paint about how God makes me feel, or paint an interpretation of a Bible verse.  The verses in Bible that mean a lot to me use the imagery of God watching over us. He is our shield, our sword and a strong tower we run to.

Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."  Ephesians 6:17

God is my loving ally and my fortress, my tower of safety, my rescuer. He is my shield, and I take refuge in him."   Psalm 144:2

"Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him."  Proverbs 30:5

"The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."  Psalm 18:2

But You, O LORD, are a shield about me, My glory, and the One who lifts my head."   Psalm 3:3

The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him."   Psalm 28:7

I painted this raven for my granddaughter, Faith. She takes quizzes online where they tell you what kind of bird or dog you most resemble. She is a Raven. In the dog category, she is a Rottweiler! She is pretty mad about that. Lol

Suicide - How Does God See It?

Fragile Emotion

Photo by: Don http://www.flickr.com/people/97224989@N00

My beloved nephew, Ian, killed himself a month ago. He was 45 years old. He had paranoid schizophrenia.

I remember reading some religions believe suicide is a sin. Even a sin God can't forgive. I don't believe that. I've been suicidal myself; I have a mental illness because of my abusive father. Elijah wanted to die, so did Jeremiah and Job. God didn't tell any of them they sinned in that wish.

Ian quit taking his medication, which a lot of people with schizophrenia do. He kept refusing to take it until he was having delusions every day. I won't go into detail about his illness, what I wanted to share about him was his journey to God.

About a year or more ago, Ian started getting interested in spiritual things. He wanted to find the "true" religion. He studied Buddhism, Islam and Christianity. He used to call me and we would talk about these religions. He asked me why I thought Christianity was the true religion and I told him. Then he started asking me about the different Christian religions. I told him of some of the different beliefs that were out there. He asked me about the church I grew up in, which is the Seventh-Day-Adventist Church.

I explained our beliefs to him. So, he went and visited some churches in his community in Washington, State. I asked which one he liked best, and he did say the Adventist church. He asked about why we worship on Saturday instead of Sunday, and I told him all the reasons.

When my mother broke her hip and was in the hospital, Ian came to see her and stayed with us. He came twice. We talked some more about God, and why I believed he was the true God. All the rest of the time he talked with me it was about his delusions of being followed and how he was putting us in danger just by visiting us. He thought the government was after him, but I never did understand why he thought that. He talked about conspiracies, but I don't know what kind. He thought he had special powers.

The only time he talked sanely was when he talked about God. The last day he was here, he said he had made up his mind and believed in God and Jesus and also would not work on Sabbath again. I was very happy for him. As he drove away for the last time, I said to God, "Oh Lord, what are you going to do for him?"

He killed himself a few days later. I think God stepped back and let it happen. Ian had turned to God, given himself to him and that was what God was waiting for. Ian will now have the peace he longed for when Jesus returns. We will see him and hug him again, and he will be all well. I'm so looking forward to that day. I'll see my brother, grandson, Ian, my grandmothers and who knows who else? And of course I will get to see Jesus and the face of my father God. Oh yes, I am excited about that day.

His Heart Lied.

I'm reading, "So We Believe, So We Pray," by George Arthur Butterick. It is a wonderful  book about the Lord's Prayer. In chapter 15, The Prayer for the Deliverance from Evil," Butterick cites a short poem by Hilaire Belloc.

The False Heart

I said to Heart, "How goes it?"  Heart replied:
Right as a Ribstone Pippin!" But it lied.

A Ribstone Pippin is a kind of apple. So his heart was saying all was well with him. But it lied. I wondered why Belloc wrote this poem, so I searched online and found the true story behind the poem.

In the early 1800s, a priest named Thomas Poschl was sent to a small village in Austria. He had gotten in trouble for fanaticism, so they sent him away to be the assistant parish priest. While there, he met Magdalena Sickinger, who told him about her visions from God. They founded a sect called, "The Pure and Innocent."

Their aim was to cleanse the villagers of their sins and destroy all non-believers. They also wanted to depose the Pope. Thomas Poschl was arrested and imprisoned for the rest of his life. But after he left, his followers became even more fanatic. They committed the great sin of human sacrifice. The National Guard was called and freed the people from their persecutors. They went to trial and were found to be of unsound mind and acquitted. Magdalena renounced her visions.

So, Belloc's poem was about how deceitful our hearts can be. We can think we are doing good works, when we are doing evil. We can imagine we are holy, when we are doing Satan's bidding.
The Bible says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?"  Jeremiah 17:9

Butterick writes we are helpless without God, and therefore we are to pray, "Bring us not into  temptation, but deliver us from evil."

We cannot change our hearts. We cannot even know if our thoughts are evil. As Jesus said, "Without me, you can do nothing." I think he meant we can do nothing good, not one good thing, without him. It just isn't possible, for all good things come from God. 

This is a serious issue, whether our hearts are lying. The only way to be saved from this is to ask God to show us where we are going wrong. Ask him to search our hearts and save us from ourselves and the power of the evil one. I know he will do this for us.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way."  Psalm 139:24