Nightmares.

Every night, for the past year or so, I wake up startled as soon as I fall asleep. I wake up fully alert and hungry. I'm trying not to eat late at night, but tonight I cooked myself eggs and cheese in the hope protein won't pack on the pounds.

I think I know why this happens. All my life I have had nightmares; now, I guess my brain is telling me, "Don't go to sleep. You will have horrible dreams." Thank you, brain. Thanks a lot; you are only making me feel worse. I long for sleep.

The dreams used to be about my father. Dreams like a horror story. Waking up screaming, shaking and terrified. Dreams of a sexual nature. Dreams of him driving me in a bus and looking like a maniac. After therapy, I finally dreamed I was driving the bus and not him. That made me feel good.

The latest dreams are about a woman who is choking a baby or child to keep it quiet. Very upsetting. Sometimes the woman is me, as it was last night. I told my husband there was something around the baby's neck while I was trying to give it a bottle. I couldn't see what it was that was choking her. Sometimes the woman is someone else. I know the dreams mean for me to keep quiet. Don't tell anyone.

The little girl inside me says, "No one loves you." The teenager inside me says, "No one loves you." But the adult now says, "God loves me, my husband loves me, my children love me, my grandchildren love me and my mother, who is still alive at 89, loves me. But the adult has a hard time controlling the young ones. They don't listen to me. They don't believe me.

Why am I writing about this? I don't know. I probably want pity. Maybe though, I think it might be that I can't tell many people about this; it would just upset them. My family doesn't read my blog, so I can say anything here and get it off my chest. Yes, I tell my husband my dreams, but it doesn't seem enough. I want someone to understand what I go through every single day of my life. How I have to fight to want to even live in this world.

God has given me the will to fight. I quote scripture when I feel bad and I am immediately helped. I can then go through the day with some joy. Sometimes lots of joy, praise God. If I didn't have God, I'd have nothing. He, "gives me songs in the night." He gives me hope. He is, "the God of all hope." He gives me strength, "God is the strength of my life."

Is God Enough?

Although I've been a Christian since I was 19 and am now 66 years old, I have been a dumb, slow-learning Christian. Lots of times I have learned something good and then when the chips are down, I forget what I've learned. I'm sharing this for those who are also slow-learners in the Christian life. You can take heart, because you are not alone.

When my grandson died 4 years ago, it was my worst nightmare come true. I had always hoped and prayed no one young in my family would die. But it was not to be, and I know God knows everything and is all-wise, therefore he knows best.

I wondered how I would be able to cope with Craig's death. I loved him so much it was like he was a son instead of a grandson. I had babysat him for many years. When I first heard the news, of course I started screaming and crying; but as soon as my husband told me what Craig's last words to him were, I had instant peace.

Craig said, "Thank you both for praying for me."

I knew that God was telling us Craig would be saved and I would see him again. I still felt the pain of his death but a wonderful peace settled on me and that peace has never left. A few times, when I saw a video of Craig or a photo, I could feel my stomach lurch and pain in my heart. But I would turn to God and he was enough. He filled me with his peace and love.

God is enough when someone you love dies.

About two years ago, after I moved out of my daughter's house and quit babysitting my granddaughter, I became severely depressed. My husband and I lived alone; we didn't see our girls or grandchildren very often. I was so lonely and bored. I tried to find things to occupy my time but nothing worked. I felt dead inside. There was nothing to live for and so I took sleeping pills.

Well, obviously I didn't die. I went to therapy and tried to find a reason to live. Therapy helped me think more positively but this is what surprised me; God became enough for me. I told him how lonely I was and how I needed him and how it was just him and me now. It's amazing, but God's friendship became enough for me. I started to have happy days with him. I talked with him off and on during the day. I read the Bible more and Christian books and listened to on-line sermons. The days got better and better.

God is enough when you have lost everything you lived for.

I didn't know God would be enough to live for. I didn't know he could give me such happiness.

I told God how bored I was. I needed some ideas of what to do with myself. He did give me ideas for some arts and crafts hobbies. I am happier than I have been in my life. This has shocked me. This I did not expect.

God is enough when you are sick of life.

My sister lost all her possessions, except her old van, when she became sick and couldn't work. She lived with us for 2 years, but got sicker because of all the plant life here. She has many problems, one of them being allergies. So, she packed up her van and moved to Washington State which is free of almost all pollens. She became a little stronger and could at least go to a store and buy groceries and get out of bed.

As she became more accustomed to camping out in her van, she told me, "I have never been this happy in my life."

God is enough when you lose everything you own.

I thought I'd put some photos up of some of my art projects.

My granddaughter, Hope.

My granddaughter, Cherish.

Nancy Drew Altered Book.

Book of growing flowers.

Little Women.

The Pearl of Great Price.