What I Learned from My Post About My Mother's Illness.

A few weeks ago, I posted “My Mother’s Illness and Death: The Unkindness of the Medical Establishment.” I learned something about myself today. I hadn’t forgiven those nurses who hurt me.

I’m a believer in Jesus, and of course forgiveness was one of the main things he talked about. Through the years, he has helped me forgive many, many people who have hurt my feelings. But for some reason it never crossed my mind to forgive these people.

But God showed me that the reason I keep thinking about what the nurses said to me and what they thought of me was because I lacked forgiveness and love for them. Yes, my eyes were opened by God.

I am not a person who talks freely with strangers. Sometimes I get angry at myself for not explaining myself better. Like when nurses would call from the hospital for information on my mother, I realized later I had left out a lot of details. I know this happens because my brain freezes when people talk with me. Especially people with authority.

After talking with me about Mom’s heart and back, one nurse asked me what I gave her for pain. I said, two Tylenol. When I hung up, I thought, “Was she asking about the heart pain or the back pain. Two Tylenol wasn’t enough for the back pain. I used to give her Codeine for that.

One nurse called and asked if my mom was sleeping much. I said, “No, the last week she was only sleeping 2-3 hrs. at a time.” Later in the conversation he said, “Well, shall I write down 4-6 hours?” I knew that was wrong but said, “Okay.” I have no idea why I said that. Maybe just to please him.

So, about forgiveness. I talked with God about it and said, “Okay. I forgive them. I pray you will put that in my mind and heart. I pray I will love them as you do.”

I think it was pride that kept me from forgiving at the outset. I felt shamed by these nurses, even though I knew I was doing a good job looking after my mom. And I still I feel shame for that and the fact they didn’t like me and thought I was awful for not taking Mom home.

Whether the shame will go away or not, I don’t care. I’ve lived with shame since I was a little child. I just want to do what Jesus told everyone to do. Love and forgive.

I Feel Like A Blob of Slime.

The prayer that is prayed most often in the Bible is, "Lord, have mercy on me."

Someone said God cannot pass by one who says this prayer; not that I think he would bypass any sincere prayer.

Today, I feel like shouting, as Jesus walks by, "Lord, have mercy on me!"

It's been a tough day. I took my mom to the hospital for some scans. We had to take a taxi there and back. My poor mom is weak and can barely walk. She got so tired. She had to drink some stuff that was yucky and felt sick afterwards.

I have social phobia. I'm really frightened of being with people and having to interact with them. So, there are the cab drivers, nurses and patients. I felt nauseated before we even left.  By the time we were done with the hospital and walked in the door, we were both a mess; me, mentally; my mom, physically. We grabbed a bite and went to bed.

I woke at 1:00 pm feeling depressed and hating my life again. But I know how to combat those thoughts by praising and thanking God and looking at the good things. I was okay then. So, I opened my email and there was a nasty letter from someone I don't even know. I felt sick again, physically and mentally.

I've said to my husband, "I don't even know these people. Why do I get sick from what they say about me?"  Oh well, I've marked that site as spam now. I guess all the fear comes from the horrible fear I had of my father as a child. Anger towards me turns me into a puddle of slime on the floor.

And now when I feel afraid, I get these enormous asthma coughing spells. Just writing about this has started me coughing. I talked with my mom about it and started coughing. My sprays hardly work. Obituary: Died from a nasty e-mail. Coughed to death.

That is how my dear brother died. Asthma. Now it is stalking me. I think, "If you had more faith, you idiot, you wouldn't have all this fear and asthma." I'm sure that is true, which gets me coughing even more. Lol

Aren't you glad I shared?

I better go before I pass out. Anyway, I would appreciate some prayers for me.
I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow. May God bless all  who come and visit. In spite of my problems, I know God loves and cares for me just as I am.