The Melt-Down of a Christian.

From the end of the earth, I will call to you, when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. 

For You have been a refuge for me, A tower of strength against the enemy.

Let me dwell in Your tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings. 

Psalm 61:2-4

Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me; My heart is appalled within me.

I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Your doings; I muse on the work of Your hands.

I stretch out my hands to You; My soul longs for You, as a parched land. 

Psalm 146:3-6

For the first time in a very long time, today I was thinking about death with longing in my heart. I looked at the sunset, and wished I never had to see another one. These are familiar thoughts for me, but because of Joyce Meyer's teachings, I haven't had them for a long time. 

My heart has been overwhelmed this week. As the Psalmist said, my heart has been appalled within me. So, I began looking up Scripture, like the two verses above. I quoted Scripture, and remembered how God had helped me through these things in the past, and I felt at peace. 

When my emotions had calmed down, I talked with God about how I never seem to get used to the fact I live in a fallen, sinful world where people die and get hurt; I'm continually shocked when I read the newspaper at how horrible this world can be. How many years do I have to live here before life doesn't shock or depress me? 

My family is going through some trials right now. I don't mind going through trials myself, (well, I do) but I loathe seeing anyone else suffering. It feels like my heart is breaking. Right now, my sweet sister-in-law of my sister Liz, has been told her cancerous tumor has shrunk, but it is still at stage 4, which is terminal. 

My niece was injured at work last week. She works for a TV show doing hair and make-up. She was loading the truck with her stuff when the driver lurched forward. Her arm was stuck and it was pulled and wrenched and she can't use it now. I hope it will heal completely, but who knows?

Yesterday, my granddaughter's kneecap was pulled sideways out of its socket. She was screaming in pain and the paramedics had to knock her out to get her into the ambulance. They gave her pain pills that put her in a delirium. She thought she was in Interstellar with Matthew Mcconaughy.  Then she came out of it, they wrapped her knee and she went home. Later she had a panic attack and had to go back to the hospital. She is scared stiff the knee will come out again. They put a splint on it. She can't move for a week. She is coming to my place for me to take care of while her boyfriend is at work.

My youngest daughter had to move to Lethbridge, Alberta from Princeton, BC in JANUARY- in CANADA!  If you live in Canada, you know what that can mean. Well, the weather was good until the last two hours when a blizzard hit. She couldn't see the sides of the road through the mountains. She was following her husband's car and she felt he was going too fast so she just broke down and sobbed and sobbed while driving until they reached Lethbridge. At least she made it, but I worry about her poor psyche.

My grandson is still trying to get off drugs and is having a terrible time. He went to rehab, left and now had decided to take a drug at a drug clinic that may help him get off his drugs. His mom has been staying with him for the last month, trying to help him cut back, get clean etc. She looks like she has been through hell - and she has. I went with her to his place when he was in rehab for a day and a night. There are cigarette burns everywhere - all over his new sofa, all over his bed and on the new carpet. I was horrified, and wondered why the place hadn't gone up in flames by now. I guess I can thank God and fire-retardant chemicals for that. His mom told me when he is doing his drug of choice he falls asleep when he is smoking.

My husband has bones rubbing together and has to have back surgery soon. I have fibromyalgia every day and I've had a horrible cold for two weeks and have had to sit up to sleep for a week. One of my daughters needs money and we have none to give her. My mom lives with us and is extremely weak and frail.

There. I could go on, but I'll spare you if you have made it down the page this far. Yes, I feel overwhelmed and my heart hurts.

Thinking of how God has helped me in the past, I remember he saw me through the death of my other grandson, he gave me strength to take care of my mother when she was much sicker than she is now, he was with me through my husband's cancer and subsequent illnesses, he has helped me with fibromyalgia.

God has led me to the rock that is higher than I - Jesus. I look at his courage and his steadfast life with his Father and I know he can help me. He was assailed from many directions but he kept his peace. I can't see Jesus running around wondering what to do. No, he wasn't like that.

Jesus did feel overwhelmed in the garden of Gethsemane. God sent an angel to strengthen him, and God does that for us today. And he himself stands beside us to give us hope and strength. The Bible says he holds us by our right hand.  

"For I am the LORD your God, who upholds your right hand, Who says to you, 'Do not fear, I will help you.'"  Isaiah 41:13

One thing God brought to my mind this morning,is to live one day at a time. I should not look ahead to wonder how well I can look after Hope or how long my sweet sister Heather will live. Jesus told us, "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:34

If You Do This...That Will Happen. (Not Necessarily.)

Me, walking by the Pacific Ocean when I lived in Vancouver, BC.

I walked one to two hours a day. Loved living there.

I remember when I was in my thirties, forties, and fifties. I was always trying to lose weight. I used to buy women's magazines and each decade they would have a new idea on dieting. The first was having a low-fat diet. If you cut your fat intake down to so many teaspoons a day - you will lose weight. I did it for a year. Try enjoying toast with 1/2 tsp. of butter. I did it, but I never lost a pound.

They would tell us to walk for half an hour to an hour a day and we would lose weight. I did it for years. I did get toned up, but I never lost a pound. They told us to do aerobic exercises for half hour a day. Our metabolism would go up and we would lose weight. I did that by going to a gym, doing step-aerobics and going on the treadmill. I never lost a pound. I did look better though. I looked like I lost 10 pounds, but I didn't!

The one time I did lose weight was when I joined Weight Watchers. They put you on a 1,200 calorie a day diet. I lost weight the first week and every week thereafter. It isn't easy. I was hungry all the time. But that's how it goes if you want to lose weight. Now that I'm old and sick and can't walk far, I gained all that weight back. But at 66, I don't care too much.

I've also read if you have a bad habit, such as drinking Pepsi every day, if you stop it for one to three months your craving for it will go away. I did stop drinking Pepsi one time, I still craved it 2 years later. I don't know where all these health experts come from but they are wrong about a lot of things.

In my Christian life, I've noticed that when Joyce Meyer says if you quote the Bible out loud if you are feeling depressed, peace and joy will come to you. And she says the more you do it, the easier it is to do. The more you fight depressing thoughts with good thoughts from the Bible, the happier you will become. I started doing this regularly about a year and a half ago. I found it to be true.

Because I was sexually and physically abused by my father from a very young age, I have always struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. Some years were better than others, but a crisis could bring on a terrible depression that could last a long time. I think if I had done what Joyce said, all those years ago, I wouldn't have had the trouble I've had. My life would have been happier. I didn't know the power of the Scriptures or the power of God for so many years.

But I'm so happy to have learned God's power personally. I used to wake up each morning wishing I was dead. Now, I wake up happy, knowing God will help me through the day and make me feel good about life. It has been an amazing 18 months of chasing sad thoughts away, amazing because it actually works!

If You Do This...That Will Happen. (Not Necessarily.)

Me, walking by the Pacific Ocean when I lived in Vancouver, BC.

I walked one to two hours a day. Loved living there.

I remember when I was in my thirties, forties, and fifties. I was always trying to lose weight. I used to buy women's magazines and each decade they would have a new idea on dieting. The first was having a low-fat diet. If you cut your fat intake down to so many teaspoons a day - you will lose weight. I did it for a year. Try enjoying toast with 1/2 tsp. of butter. I did it, but I never lost a pound.

They would tell us to walk for half an hour to an hour a day and we would lose weight. I did it for years. I did get toned up, but I never lost a pound. They told us to do aerobic exercises for half hour a day. Our metabolism would go up and we would lose weight. I did that by going to a gym, doing step-aerobics and going on the treadmill. I never lost a pound. I did look better though. I looked like I lost 10 pounds, but I didn't!

The one time I did lose weight was when I joined Weight Watchers. They put you on a 1,200 calorie a day diet. I lost weight the first week and every week thereafter. It isn't easy. I was hungry all the time. But that's how it goes if you want to lose weight. Now that I'm old and sick and can't walk far, I gained all that weight back. But at 66, I don't care too much.

I've also read if you have a bad habit, such as drinking Pepsi every day, if you stop it for one to three months your craving for it will go away. I did stop drinking Pepsi one time, I still craved it 2 years later. I don't know where all these health experts come from but they are wrong about a lot of things.

In my Christian life, I've noticed that when Joyce Meyer says if you quote the Bible out loud if you are feeling depressed, peace and joy will come to you. And she says the more you do it, the easier it is to do. The more you fight depressing thoughts with good thoughts from the Bible, the happier you will become. I started doing this regularly about a year and a half ago. I found it to be true.

Because I was sexually and physically abused by my father from a very young age, I have always struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. Some years were better than others, but a crisis could bring on a terrible depression that could last a long time. I think if I had done what Joyce said, all those years ago, I wouldn't have had the trouble I've had. My life would have been happier. I didn't know the power of the Scriptures or the power of God for so many years.

But I'm so happy to have learned God's power personally. I used to wake up each morning wishing I was dead. Now, I wake up happy, knowing God will help me through the day and make me feel good about life. It has been an amazing 18 months of chasing sad thoughts away, amazing because it actually works!

Is God Enough?

Although I've been a Christian since I was 19 and am now 66 years old, I have been a dumb, slow-learning Christian. Lots of times I have learned something good and then when the chips are down, I forget what I've learned. I'm sharing this for those who are also slow-learners in the Christian life. You can take heart, because you are not alone.

When my grandson died 4 years ago, it was my worst nightmare come true. I had always hoped and prayed no one young in my family would die. But it was not to be, and I know God knows everything and is all-wise, therefore he knows best.

I wondered how I would be able to cope with Craig's death. I loved him so much it was like he was a son instead of a grandson. I had babysat him for many years. When I first heard the news, of course I started screaming and crying; but as soon as my husband told me what Craig's last words to him were, I had instant peace.

Craig said, "Thank you both for praying for me."

I knew that God was telling us Craig would be saved and I would see him again. I still felt the pain of his death but a wonderful peace settled on me and that peace has never left. A few times, when I saw a video of Craig or a photo, I could feel my stomach lurch and pain in my heart. But I would turn to God and he was enough. He filled me with his peace and love.

God is enough when someone you love dies.

About two years ago, after I moved out of my daughter's house and quit babysitting my granddaughter, I became severely depressed. My husband and I lived alone; we didn't see our girls or grandchildren very often. I was so lonely and bored. I tried to find things to occupy my time but nothing worked. I felt dead inside. There was nothing to live for and so I took sleeping pills.

Well, obviously I didn't die. I went to therapy and tried to find a reason to live. Therapy helped me think more positively but this is what surprised me; God became enough for me. I told him how lonely I was and how I needed him and how it was just him and me now. It's amazing, but God's friendship became enough for me. I started to have happy days with him. I talked with him off and on during the day. I read the Bible more and Christian books and listened to on-line sermons. The days got better and better.

God is enough when you have lost everything you lived for.

I didn't know God would be enough to live for. I didn't know he could give me such happiness.

I told God how bored I was. I needed some ideas of what to do with myself. He did give me ideas for some arts and crafts hobbies. I am happier than I have been in my life. This has shocked me. This I did not expect.

God is enough when you are sick of life.

My sister lost all her possessions, except her old van, when she became sick and couldn't work. She lived with us for 2 years, but got sicker because of all the plant life here. She has many problems, one of them being allergies. So, she packed up her van and moved to Washington State which is free of almost all pollens. She became a little stronger and could at least go to a store and buy groceries and get out of bed.

As she became more accustomed to camping out in her van, she told me, "I have never been this happy in my life."

God is enough when you lose everything you own.

I thought I'd put some photos up of some of my art projects.

My granddaughter, Hope.

My granddaughter, Cherish.

Nancy Drew Altered Book.

Book of growing flowers.

Little Women.

The Pearl of Great Price.

Feeling What We Think.

I was listening to a sermon by Joyce Meyer the other day. She was preaching on, "Thinking."  She says our minds are a battlefield between good and evil thoughts. We can choose our thoughts, she says, and I believe her.

She said she used to wake up each day thinking about how she didn't want to get out of bed because she had to do the same old thing: cleaning up after other people. She would think about how no one helped her and no one cared.

I used to wake up thinking, "I wish I was dead." I hated living with my mental illness; I was tired of fighting it. Like Joyce, I felt there was no reason to get out of bed. I was totally bored with my life now that I no longer babysat my granddaughter. I tried to interest myself with new things, but everything felt grey and flat.

I learned through therapy I needed to have some positive thinking in my life. And I knew through Joyce I had to quote scripture and praise God first thing upon waking. This is what I do and it works. This morning I thought, "I'm conscious. What a nightmare."  Sheesh. The thoughts I have are unbelievable! But Joyce said in her sermon that we have to realize it is Satan giving us these bad thoughts. He wants us to give up on life and not trust God. I don't have to believe those thoughts.

I rarely ever think about Satan, but I have to admit she is right. Satan tempted Jesus with thoughts when he was in the wilderness. Jesus quoted scripture and then told Satan to go away. We can do the same.

The thoughts Joyce and I used to have made us angry, depressed and resentful towards others. Not a pretty picture. We all get these thoughts, but we don't have to dwell on them like I did. We can notice them and then ask God to throw them into the depths of the sea. Then think about something good. This works the same for lustful or hateful thoughts. Don't be surprised you have them; don't dwell on them.

Jesus said, "But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what defile a person; but eating with unwashed hands does not defile them.”
Matthew 15:18-20

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."  Philippians 4:8


Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God.  1Peter 4:2