Fear.

Fear. An overwhelming emotion I’ve had all my life. At the age of 72, fear still invades my mind, even though I rarely leave my apartment in an attempt to not risk being afraid and acting strange in public. But of course, in your apartment you can fear all the things that haven’t happened yet, but surely will. You can fear you aren’t being a good enough wife, mother and grandmother. You can fear you aren’t a good enough Christian, that there is always more you could do for God and for people. You can look back on your life and fear it was mostly a waste.

I know where this fear comes from. When I was two years old, my father beat me black and blue because I would cry at night and not go to sleep. (He told me this himself). He sexually abused me until I was 10. My sister told me she wished she could kill me. She said she’d love to put a pillow over my face and smother me. This is how I learned to fear my family.

When I was very young, my sister told me the Japanese neighbors, who lived across the street, poisoned children with soup. She warned me never to go near their house. So, I learned to fear neighbors. In first grade, I had a teacher who would whip the boys with tree branches. We could hear their screams from the room beside us. So, I learned to fear school. When we visited my grandparents in Los Angeles, my sister told me not to walk down alleys because men would put a bucket over my head and drive nails through it. So, I learned to be afraid in large cities.

I feared God. I was raised in a fundamentalist church and there was a lot of talk about sin. It was pounded into us that any sin at all was horrible. I wanted to be a Christian, but I knew I could never, ever be that good. When I did come to Jesus at 19, whenever I sinned I expected God to kill me. I’m still a Christian and I know better now.

I was crippled by fear. I remember when I was 6 I had to walk a far bit to school. I would drag the toes of my shoes along sidewalk, wearing them out, because I didn’t want to go. I also dragged my shoes on the way home. There was a railroad track between the school and home. I loved watching the trains as they sped by. I loved looking at them when they were just sitting there. My desire was to jump on one that would take me far away. But to where? I didn’t know.

High school was a particular kind of fear. When I started grade 10, I didn’t know anyone at the school. I hid in a stall in the bathroom at lunchtime for three months. I finally met a nice girl and we were friends for a time. I made other friends, but the friendships never lasted more than six months. Even now, I don’t know why.

Dating was a nightmare. I was so afraid on dates I couldn’t speak. I had some really cool guys ask me out, but I was horribly boring. In order to enjoy my company, the guy would have had to be a non-stop talker. (My first husband. Lol)

I found out boys always wanted to touch you. I didn’t find it hard to say no. The first time a boy tried to take my bra off I said, “What are you doing?” I really didn’t know. I figured it out. My father hated me dating and called me a slut. I was a virgin. I dated a boy once and he told everyone I was easy and he screwed me. A lie. After that, I didn’t care too much about staying a virgin. I lost that status after I was date-raped. Not that I knew what it was. I had passed out from drinking and woke up by being thrown on the bed, my clothes taken off and then him inside me. To be honest, he was very good looking and I liked being wanted by him. There was blood on the bed, and he asked in horror, “Are you a virgin?” I told him I was. I think he was ashamed of what he did, but I don’t really know. Any time I saw him at school, he looked away.

Grade 11 I decided to run away from home and go to San Francisco because that’s where the hippie movement was located. My father caught me stealing money from his wallet in the middle of the night. I told my parents how unhappy I was. They decided to send me to Canada to stay with relatives. I was happy to get away and that is where I married my first husband. (The one who never stops talking. He is still like that, and it’s strange that even now when I see him, I feel a warmth for him. I’m afraid no one else likes him because they say he is narcissistic.)

Okay, I have explained why I have this fear inside me. I have been to therapy a few times and it helped me very much. I went to anxiety groups. I began to understand why I do what I do, but none of that took my fear away. I tried to get a university degree, and I did make it through 2 years with high grades, but my mental illness got in the way and I quit.

Most jobs I tried were over in one day because of my fear. My second husband is very understanding. Living on one wage most of our marriage has been close to impossible, but he never complains. I still apologize to him because I’ve felt guilty about how hard life has been for us. I did do some babysitting and I worked as a janitor for a year. This was to buy school clothes for our two daughters.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I guess I wanted to let people know why some people are afraid, why some people can’t work, even though they are intelligent and look normal. I wanted to let people know this kind of fear is a mental illness. I want Christians to know that even though a fearful person prays about it, sometimes the fear never leaves.

C.S. Lewis told a friend who had a mental illness to realize it is like losing a leg. God isn’t going to grow the leg back, but he will help you live without it. I can attest to that. God has given me the greatest comfort, joy and love than any person has given me. He is amazing. My biggest problem is sometimes forgetting to talk with him about my feelings and worries. I do it, but I want to do it every time I’m upset about anything and many times I forget.

Jesus said, “Don’t worry about tomorrow, about what you will eat, drink or wear. Each day has problems of its own.” He promised we don’t need to fear because he is with us. Paul wrote, “Have no anxiety about anything, but with petitions and prayers, with thanksgiving, make your requests to God and the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” I repeat these verses to myself and they always help.

I didn’t know that when you become a Christian, you would still have problems in your life that don’t go away quickly. In fact, you may have to pray about that problem until Jesus comes back or you die. I wish I had known that in the beginning of my walk with God, but I didn’t, so I keep marching on knowing God loves me just as I am.

 

Is God A Narcissist?

 I was watching an old Bill Maher show the other night and he started ranting about God and Christianity. I know how he feels about religion, so it was no surprise. I like watching his show, "Real Time with Bill Maher, because I think he is on the right side of many issues and I like the guests. Also, I like him because he seems totally honest about what he thinks. He is like a breath of fresh air in the middle of a dark smog of lies.

So, this time he said something I hadn't heard before, he said something like, "God is narcissistic." He said the first three commandments out of the ten was all about God and how we had to worship only him.

That is true. God did say that, along with the fact that he is the only God and there are no others. But the things God says and does always have a deep and loving reason. If you study the Bible, you can understand why he says, "You shall have no other Gods besides me." It is death to do anything else.

We are involved in a war of the universe, a war between good and evil. God says to worship him because that is how we declare we are in allegiance with him and against evil. Evil started in heaven where there was a great war. Satan and his angels against the angels who sided with God. Satan lost the battle and was thrown out. When Adam and Eve chose to disobey an easy command of God's, they chose the side against God, and we have all paid for that choice. That part wasn't really fair for the rest of humanity, so God made a way of escape and salvation which is available to everyone on earth.

I'm not like the majority of Christians who think that people have to know the story of Jesus' sacrifice before they can be saved to live in heaven. I believe God gave us all a conscience to teach us in the right way to go. He put a light in us so that we can choose to follow him or not. The Book of John says, "The true light, who gives light to every man, was coming into the world." 

I am 72 years old, and if there is one thing I know about God, he will gladly run to any person who turns towards him and asks for help to understand all the things we don't understand about life and death. He will patiently, over many years, teach and strengthen anyone who asks. And that's the thing. You have to ask. Although his Spirit calls us and is in our minds, He will not force himself on anyone.

A lot of people think God is a tyrant because he did cause the death of many nations in the Old Testament. I used to wonder why God did that, so I studied what those people were like. They were pretty horrible; the worst of their practices was burning their children alive to their gods. They did much more than this, they were violent, greedy, slave traders, rapists, and thieves who would go to towns and steal their produce from their farms. Not the kind of people you would want in your neighborhood. They also committed genocide, which is what people accuse God of doing. But God is not a man. He knows who to kill and who to keep alive. I believe he killed those people to protect the world from them.

I will tell you a true story of what happened to a friend of our family. Her daughter had a boyfriend who was an abuser and beat her, but she kept going back to him. A familiar story. She became pregnant and he was put in jail for something violent, I don't remember what. He hated our friend and her husband because they tried to talk their daughter into leaving him, but she wouldn't. He used to threaten to harm them.  

The day came for him to leave jail, and he was living with her daughter and acting horrible, as usual. Our friend was beside herself with worry and grief. My family all began praying for her and her daughter. A week later, the violent boyfriend died in a car crash. The police said they believed it was a suicide. When my granddaughter told me this I said, "Well, he can't harm anyone ever again." I was relieved when he died and so was everyone else. I'm sorry, but evil people scare me, and I want no part of them. Just think of the movies and how much you want the evil bad-guy to get caught or die. I trust God's decisions. He made the universe; he knows what he is doing. I want to live under his government because it is founded on love, righteousness and mercy. He cannot bring anyone to heaven who doesn't agree with that, and I'm glad.

My sister always says, "It is hard to be lost." She knows how almost everyone she meets has thought about God in one way or the other. I found that to be true in the jobs I did when I was young. Eventually, on a lunch break or after work, a conversation would come up about belief in God or religion. Everyone there had an experience with this. Most had made a decision one way or the other. 

God wants to talk with you. In the Bible he pleads and begs people to come to him. He wants you to come live with him forever. He wants you to know how much he loves you and your family. 

One thing about the Bible. It is not an easy book with easy answers. There are verses in there that seem to say something, but when you read the Bible as a whole, you will see you may have interpreted them wrongly. Some verses seem to say God will not allow you to be harmed, but we know from reading about his prophets that some of them were harmed and some were killed. I think the verses that promise prosperity and safety refer to heaven. God does save and protect his people many, many times, but not always. Some of us die a terrible death, some get cancer, some suffer with a chronic illness. This is our cross in this world. Jesus carried his cross of suffering and he said, "Take up your cross and follow me." He will give us strength to do that, to endure anything in this world, if you ask him.

Getting Well from a Lack of Nutrition and King Solomon.

 I've been quite sick since Christmas and found out I was not eating enough protein. So now with salt, carbs and protein I am finally well. It took time for my body to adjust to eating different foods, but with the help of my daughter, I am on a healthy diet. I've never been interested in food or nutrition, and I used to believe what I read in magazines that Americans get enough vitamins from their food and not to worry about taking vitamins. Also, sometimes I'm not too bright.

Meanwhile, I've been studying the Bible and talking with God. I started a Bible study on the book of Ecclesiastes on a podcast by Nicole Unice. You can find her here: How To Study The Bible - Nicole Unice. I'm enjoying it very much. I went ahead and read the whole book. I had read it before, but didn't think much about it. Didn't really like it.

But I've learned some valuable lessons from Ecclesiastes. I was surprised to read Solomon say that in wisdom there is much sorrow. He was the wisest man who ever lived, according to the Bible. Nicole explained that the more you know what is going on in the world the sadder you are. I understand that. It is how we all feel after reading or watching the news. The horrible things people do to each other is beyond understanding. So, Solomon concluded there was no happiness in wisdom.

He told us he decided to try to find happiness in money and having a good time. He was a very wealthy king and had everything he could desire. He didn't find happiness in this either. He writes, "A wise person thinks a lot about death, while a fool thinks only of having a good time." Thinking about death, can move us to thinking about what happens after death.

And this is what Ecclesiastes is all about, one man trying to make sense of the world, but all he found was vanity and chasing after wind. Because we all eventually die, Solomon found everything meaningless. That is until the last paragraph where he writes, "Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone's duty. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad."

There are two sides to God. There is his judgement and his love and mercy. God warns us many times in the Bible that we will all be judged on what we have done. If we have harmed people, we will be condemned. But if we tell God we are sorry for what we have done, he runs to meet us, to forgive us and hold us close. Jesus said, "This is eternal life, that we might know you, the only true God, and Jesus the Messiah whom you have sent." As we know God, we will always be asking for forgiveness because we all sin. But he always forgives and understands. When God comes into your heart and life, you actually want to do good. This is called our "second birth." We are now adopted by God into the family in heaven. Once that has happened, God says to us, "I will never leave you, and I will never, never forsake you."

Low-Salt Diets Can Make You Sick.

 

All my adult life I have read that too much salt is bad for the body. When my husband had a stroke, the doctors put him on a low-salt diet. I was dieting myself at the time and barely ate any salt or carbs. Over a year and a half I lost around 20 pounds and was very happy, however I became sick

My daughter, Christine, is a nurse who lives about 6 hours from us. When she came to visit, she looked over my diet schedule, which included what I ate and how much. She became worried and said, “Mom, you aren’t eating enough!” I said, “Yes, I am. This diet is working great!” I had never found it easy to diet and was very proud of myself. She told me I don’t eat enough carbs. As far as I was concerned, carbs were the enemy of losing weight, so I ignored what she said.

Then, shortly after she went home, I started vomiting when my stomach was empty. It would come on all of a sudden, with hardly any warning. I would run to the kitchen and grab a bowl. Afterwards, I could sit down to eat my lunch, so I knew it wasn’t the flu. Also, I began to feel like I was going to faint, and my legs became very weak when I awoke in the morning. I was used to having weak legs because I have fibromyalgia, but this was much worse.

Then my husband got the results of his blood tests, and it said his salt was low. I looked this up on the internet and found all the symptoms I was having. My husband decided to eat more salt and so did I. The vomiting stopped and if I eat salt before bed, my legs are not weak. I don’t like salty food, so I put some in a glass with water.

I am including two addresses off the internet to share with you. There are hundreds of sites to visit about this subject. I am not telling everyone to eat more salt, I am just telling you what happened when I did not eat enough. I’m also eating the Dreaded Carbs. This makes me mad, but I have found my energy goes up when I eat more of them. I think I have gained back maybe 3 pounds. I need to figure out how to maintain the weight I am at. What a pain in the neck.

Merry Christmas, Everyone. May God’s light shine upon you and your families. May he bless you with his presence and bring peace, joy and love to your soul.

 

Daily Salt Intake: How Much Sodium Should You Have? (healthline.com)

Hyponatremia - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic

 

We All Need A Little Hope.

 

As I opened my app to “Abide”, a daily Bible study and also an aid to sleeping, the verse for the day was this:

“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.” Isaiah 9:2

I thought, “If ever there was a land of deep darkness it is here and it is now.” I know in the past there have been many dark times, but to my generation (Baby Boomers), this is the darkest time we have seen with our own eyes.

This verse was written around 740 BC and it was a prophecy about Jesus’ birth. It goes on to say,

      “For unto us a child is born,

unto us a son is given,

and the government will be upon His shoulders.

And He will be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”

 

The time of Jesus’ birth was indeed a dark era. Ancient Rome ruled the world and they were ruthless in their conquest. They did some good things, like bring water to cities by aqueducts, build roads and promote sanitation. They also banned human sacrifice, which they found abhorrent. But as we know, their rule was corrupt, cruel and without mercy. People needed hope and many found it in the Son of God.

 

The Christian religion began with a handful of Jesus’ followers, but as people heard the amazing story of how God’s son became a human being in order to save us, thousands and then millions believed. This message gave them hope that though our life here might be fraught with trouble, this wasn’t the only life, there was a life ahead with the God of the universe waiting to be with us.

 

As I said before, this is the darkest time I have lived in (I’m 72). With Russia invading Ukraine, the world is on the brink of a world war. The United States is being torn apart by the people on the left and right. Politics is a shitshow. The hatred between the two opposing camps could cause a split between the states or a civil war. Instead of coming together over the plague of Covid, we became farther apart. Politicians and regular citizens are getting death threats over disagreements about our culture and political stance. Lies are spread throughout media platforms. Trust in authorities has eroded because of the terrible things done in the past by some of them.

 

I hear on podcasts and read in newspapers how people are trying to cling to hope for the future, but it is hard for them. In my opinion, Global Warming will kill this planet. I think we have gone over the line of no return. Many people are deciding not to have children because of the disasters they see coming. Everyone needs hope.

 

 Why are you downcast, O my soul?

Why the unease within me?

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him,

my Savior and my God.

                      Psalm 43:5

 

Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13

 

Paul explains hope very well in Romans 8:18-25:  “…with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay.  For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.  And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)

 

There is a beautiful song, written and sung by Danny Gorkey called, “Hope in Front of Me.” Here are a few lines:

 

“I've been running through rain
That I thought would never end.
Trying to make it on faith
In a struggle against the wind.
I've seen the dark and the broken places,

But I know in my soul
No matter how bad it gets
I'll be alright.

 

There's hope in front of me
There's a light, I still see it
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it.

 

I might be down, but I'm not dead
There's better days still up ahead
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me, yeah

 

 

 

The Broken Parts of Our Lives.

 

Painting by Belle Unruh

The Broken Parts of Our Lives.

When I look back on the events in my life that broke my heart, I can see how grief has changed me. The pain in other people’s lives made me want to listen to and help them. My own pain taught me lessons, like how a parent feels when a child rebels and enters into a self-destructive life, and how one feels when someone they love has died. I understand the pain of divorce and mental illness. My heart goes out to those who are suffering and has led me to donate to charities.

Having gone through poverty and a few months of homelessness, I look with pity on people who wander the streets and go through garbage cans. I have a deep desire to give to the poor. Without my own suffering, I probably would have gone on as I did when I was young, happy and carefree, not giving a thought to those who are hurting.

I have seen images of broken pottery being compared to our lives and the caption is usually something like this: “God shines best through our broken spaces.” I decided to paint this image. When I sent a photo of my painting to a friend, he wrote a letter back and told me his story of a broken urn. I want to share this with everyone.

“Around 20 years ago, my wife’s brother was helping us carry items into the house from the cargo bay of our SUV. We had been shopping at a Target Store and had purchased a very large painted ceramic urn that we wanted to use as a decorative indoor accent. We had a hand truck (dolly), but her brother, being a macho man, insisted that he could bear hug the urn and carry it in by himself. We reluctantly agreed to let him do it.  He was 10 feet from where we wanted the urn positioned when he lost his grip and it fell to the floor and shattered.  At first, we thought the urn was a total loss, but it was so expensive that my wife wanted to see if she could salvage it.   Fortunately, most of the pieces were large, enabling her to "work the jigsaw puzzle" and glue them back together. When she finished, we were amazed at the result.

The urn wound up having more character and looking more interesting and beautiful than it was before it was broken. It was "perfectly imperfect." The glue bulged from the cracks a little and turned a tan color, making it appear that the urn was draped in rope.  We have had the urn proudly displayed in our family room ever since with an artificial palm tree inside it. It is a conversation starter. Visitors notice it immediately and remark how lovely it is. They don't believe it when we tell them how it "came together" by accident.”

I believe God allows pain in our lives to make us into better people. Unfortunately, we don’t learn much from a wonderful day at Disneyland. I know death, pain and suffering are a result of sin and come from Satan and everyone shares in that pain. We were given no choice to be born into a fallen world, but God gives us each a chance to follow him. If we do, instead of anger and bitterness at our lot, learning of God’s love for us and the world will melt our hearts and we can learn good from evil.  God’s rescue plan is vast, he has many ways of reaching out to us, and not all of them involve pain. In fact, it was the birth of my first daughter that made me turn my face towards God. I wanted to be a good mother and knew I couldn’t do it without him.

There is a wonderful chapter in the Book of Psalms. It shows in detail how God draws people to himself. I hope you will take the time to read it. Each example of people in terrible trouble ends in praise to God. I’ve shortened the chapter:

Psalm 107

Some wandered in desert wastes,
finding no way to a city to dwell in;
hungry and thirsty,
their soul fainted within them.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
He led them by a straight way
till they reached a city to dwell in.

Some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death,
prisoners in affliction and in irons,
for they had rebelled against the words of God,
and spurned the counsel of the Most High.
So he bowed their hearts down with hard labor;
they fell down, with none to help.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
and burst their bonds apart.

Some were fools through their sinful ways,
and because of their iniquities suffered affliction;
they loathed any kind of food,
and they drew near to the gates of death.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
He sent out his word and healed them,
and delivered them from their destruction.

Some went down to the sea in ships,
doing business on the great waters;
they saw the deeds of the LORD,
his wondrous works in the deep.
For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,
which lifted up the waves of the sea.
They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths;
their courage melted away in their evil plight;
they reeled and staggered like drunken men
and were at their wits’ end.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
He made the storm be still,
and the waves of the sea were hushed.
Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,
and he brought them to their desired haven.

Let them thank the LORD for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man!
And let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,
and tell of his deeds in songs of joy!

Do You Find Being Christian A Burden?

 

Photo by: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Kafziel

I used to find being a Christian was a heavy burden. When I was first a Christian, I was afraid of God and his anger. I was raised in a strict, fundamental church. I thought I should strive to be perfect. Of course, I couldn’t become perfect so I was in despair.

I learned from a traveling preacher that this isn’t what God wants from us. No one is perfect but him. I learned that if we could become perfect, Jesus needn’t have died for us. He covers us with his perfection. This was a great relief to me, but sometimes when I sin I can still feel pretty discouraged. There are so many ways to goof up and choose wrong things.

I often remember Jesus said, “My burden is light.” And when asked what the most important commandment was he answered, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

 In Micah 6:8 it says, “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?  Micah 6:8  This is not a burden, it is a privilege.

 I’ve been listening to songs sung by Danny Gorky. He has such a strong, beautiful voice and the songs he sings are uplifting. One of them speaks to this subject. It is called, Love God Love People. I thought I’d print the lyrics here because I think they are true. I’ve shortened the length a bit.

Love God, Love People:

I've been running in circles
Jumping the hurdles
Getting caught in that rush of doing so much
I'm feeling kinda worn out.

 All this checking the boxes

Trying to be flawless
Has me spinning my head, catching my breath
Too afraid to slow down

 I tell myself to keep this up                                                                                           That God wants more than just my love                                                                         But I've been complicating things                                                                                     It's just like me to overthink

 Gotta keep it real simple, keep it real simple                                                                      Bring everything right back to ground zero                                                                'Cause it all comes down to this                                                                                       Love God and love people.

We're living in a world that keeps breakin'
But if we want to find a way to change it
It all comes down to this
Love God and love people

 Oh, this is freedom

The keys to the Kingdom
Knowing life will be found when love can be loud
'Cause love is what it's all about

 I tell myself to keep this up

That all God wants is just my love
No more complicating things
No more need to overthink

 Gotta keep it real simple, keep it real simple

Bring everything right back to ground zero
'Cause it all comes down to this
Love God and love people

We're living in a world that keeps breakin'
But if we want to find a way to change it
It all comes down to this
Love God and love people

 Love is patient, love is kind

Rescues hearts and changes lives
Love is all we need to make things right

Gotta keep it real simple, oh
It's really so simple,

Gotta keep it real simple, keep it real simple
Bring everything right back to ground zero
'Cause it all comes down to this
Love God and love people

 

We're living in a world that keeps breakin'

But if we want to find a way to change it

It all comes down to this

Love God and love people

 Songwriters: Ben Glover, Danny Gokey, Jeff Sojka, Colby Wedgeworth, Riley Clemmons. For non-commercial use only.