Wrestling with God.

 

Art by Maurice Denis.

I thought I would share something that has been very helpful in my walk with God. About 10 years ago, I was very depressed, day after day. One morning I said to God, “I’m not leaving this bed until I feel better.” So, I lay there telling God all my feelings and all the things going on in my life that made me sad. I asked for courage to face the day and for some kind of hope.

After maybe an hour, I did feel better and got up. That one lesson taught me what it meant to wrestle with God. I remembered Jacob who in the Bible, wrestled with God all night. When God said to him, “Let me go for it is morning.” Jacob said, “I won’t let you go until you bless me.”

I would have thought that a bit presumptuous, but God didn’t. He asked, “What is your name?” 

“Jacob,” he replied.

God said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, (Def: He struggles with God.) because you have struggled with God and with men, and have prevailed.”

I’m not a Bible scholar. I’m not altogether sure what Jacob’s struggle means except that when I told God I wouldn’t stop praying until I felt better, my circumstance felt similar to his. Jacob was trapped by his brother coming to meet him, perhaps with the intent to kill him. I was trapped by my sad feelings that would not go away.

Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  John 14:27

We All Die. Jesus Came Down to Die With Us.

I listen to the podcast, “Theology in the Raw,” which is hosted by Preston Sprinkle. He interviews people with questions on hot-button issues of the day. He delves deep into controversial subjects within the churches. What I like most about Preston is his willingness to hear new ideas of belief and how Christians should act towards those who are usually not accepted.

Recently, I listened to an interview he had with Christian Gonzalez, a Greek Orthodox believer who works in Youth and Young Adult Ministries. I knew nothing about the beliefs of the Greek Orthodox church, so I was interested to learn what they are.

I came away very moved by what he said was the main thrust of his faith. It is that Jesus didn’t just die for us, he died with us. In this world, we are all under the sword of death. He came to become one of us part of that was experiencing death.

This meant a lot to me because I have always believed God was responsible for me being here on this earth. I used to say to him, “If you’d have given me a choice, I would have said, ‘No thanks.’ I was pretty bitter and angry about my life and the suffering I’d gone through and the suffering I was still going through. I know this is the wrong attitude for me to have, but it is there in my heart. I give it to God and ask for peace, joy and love within. He gives it to me, but I need to ask every day or I will return to my old thinking.

Jesus dying for us was an enormous sacrifice. He didn’t die like all other people because he took the sins of the world upon him and had to pay for them with mental suffering. The Bible says he became sin for us, that he became cursed. This meant God the Father had to abandon Jesus as he died on the cross. This is why he cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” He died the death of evil, sinful people. He took their place in judgement. Like someone owed a huge debt to the bank and couldn’t repay and was going to lose everything, Jesus stepped up and paid it all.

But Jesus dying with us seems different to me. Immanuel: God with us. It feels to me like kinship and understanding what we all go through. None of us here on earth asked to be born here and God is the great creator of all things. Therefore, because we suffer, he suffered as he walked the earth. He was rejected and misunderstood by most people, even by his own brothers, who thought he had lost his mind. I believe he was lonely, sad and sometimes even afraid. I say that because he asked his Father that if it was possible, he would take the cross away. Obviously, there was no other way, even for God.

After listening to the podcast, I talked with God about this and a verse from the Bible popped into my head. It was when Jesus said, “Take up your cross and follow me.” I took that to mean, each of us has a cross. What does a cross represent? I would say sorrow, suffering, pain, dying, and humiliation. Most of us go through these things in our life, if we live long enough. And when Jesus says to pick the cross up and follow him, where is he going? He is going to die and we have to do that also. In fact, Paul says, “We die daily.” And “Put to death, therefore, the components of your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, and greed, which is idolatry.” This is a death of our sinful nature.

We can’t do that without God, who changes our hearts and makes it possible. We just have to talk with God each day, asking for his life to be in us and to make us like Jesus. This is actually a great adventure, if we look at it like that. Of course, I didn’t, I was either mad or depressed. I feel much better now. I think it’s because when my first grandson died, I felt how God helped me cope with that. I know now that he is always there for me helping me through life.

 

 

 

 

 

Multiple Sclerosis : A True Story of Hope and Healing.

 My husband and I watched a documentary on Disney called, “Living Proof.” It is about a young man who was told he had MS when he was only twenty. By the end of the show, he is forty with no symptoms and is healthy and strong. I wanted to share this in case there are people with MS who have never heard of this documentary.

MS documentary Living Proof available on Amazon Prime - Modern Day MS

Don't Be Afraid of Your Fears.

 

One of my greatest fears has been to become sick enough to go to the hospital. I have social phobia and other mental problems, and the thought of being unclothed and being touched by people horrified me.

One evening, I started to have pain in my upper abdomen and down my right side. I thought it was another kidney stone. I had passed one many years ago and it felt the same. I knew what to do and waited for it to pass. But it didn’t. The pain wouldn’t let up, and in the morning, I called an ambulance.

The emergency was crowded and I was put in a waiting room. I didn’t ask for pain medication. I didn’t even think of it, I don’t know why. But later, they could see I was in pain and they gave me a shot of something.

I was there at 8:30 am and after tests I was told I needed my appendix out. I had surgery at 9:30 pm and it all went well. Then they took me to a room that had one other patient – a man.

I was molested by my father so usually I would have been terrified to be in a room alone with a man. But he had just had heart surgery and was in pain, so I figured he wasn’t a danger. He was arguing with the nurses and then a doctor about his pain medication. He said it wasn’t strong enough. I felt sorry for him and also the doctor and nurses. There are two sides to giving and getting pain killers and I understand the complexities.

After the medical staff left the room, this man began talking with me. He was very outgoing and personable. I’m usually upset when people talk to me, but I wasn’t this time. I felt comfortable, and we shared a lot of information about our lives. Also, he was polite enough to ask me if I minded talking and I told him I was fine with it.

I won’t give any details, suffice it to say his wife was in stage 4 cancer and he had a bad heart. He had just retired and they had bought an RV and kayak so they could enjoy their remaining life together. Then illness struck both of them.

I am not one to preach religion to others. I know most people do not appreciate that. But this man was very sad and contemplating the end of their lives. His hope was gone.

I had been praying silently for God to help me help him, and when he told me what he was feeling about death, I asked him, “Do you believe in God?” He told me he didn’t. He and his wife had been upset by the way religious people treated other people and they had left their church. Recently though, his wife had gone back.

He told me he figured he would be going to an eternal hell. I told him I did not believe God would torture people for an eternity. I told him I study the Bible for myself and make up my own mind what God is like. The Bible says the wicked will be ashes under the soles of our feet and that he will destroy the wicked and their works. It also says death and hell will be thrown into a lake of fire. This means death and the grave will be gone forever. I know there are a few verses that give the impression of an everlasting hell like: “The smoke of their torment will ascend forever.” But smoke is a result of fire and I believe this means the results of sin will always be remembered so that no one ever sins again. All of heaven will know the results of rebelling against God.

We talked a bit more about God and then went to sleep. I was happy I could share my belief in God with this man. My heart felt entwined with his since we were talking about the most important thing about life: why we are here and what happens after death. I thanked God for the opportunity.

I learned a lot by staying in the hospital. Number One: I don’t need to be afraid for God is with me. I didn’t feel afraid the whole time I was there. Number Two: There was a reason for my appendix problem. God wanted me to talk with that man.

What is interesting is that during my stay in the waiting room my daughter phoned the hospital to ask how I was doing. The staff told my daughter they had no one in the hospital by my name. She kept calling during the day and they kept saying the same thing. By the fourth call, my daughter got angry and insisted they look and see if they could find me.

They did finally find me. After the pain medication, a nurse had moved me to a recliner so I could lay back and rest. It was cold in there, so they gave me a blanked with which I covered my body and face. I promptly fell asleep. So, they could have called my name out and I wouldn’t have heard them.

Late in the afternoon, a nurse came and took the blanket off my face and asked my name. So, I guess that was when they found me. All this was quite an experience, and I want to add the nurses and doctors were wonderful and kind.

That’s the story of my hospital stay. My greatest fear came to me and God showed me he is stronger and wiser than my fear. I praise and thank him for everything. He is so much more than we could ever ask or think. He is King and Lord of the universe, my God, my Father, my Brother, my Counselor, my Comforter and Strength.

 

My grandson Died of Heroin.

 

This morning, I felt God wanted me to write about my grandson who died from heroin. It happened about two months ago I don’t remember the date. He was thirty.

Jordan was a kind person. This is what his friends said when his mother called them to tell them what had happened. He was certainly kind to me and my husband. He loved well, which is perhaps what led to his death.

Jordan had an older brother, Craig, and he followed him like a puppy dog through their childhood. They did everything together, had the same friends, and loved the same activities. But when they were in their late teens, Craig started taking cocaine.

Jordan didn’t like the way Craig was living his life. They had arguments and sometimes didn’t speak. Then one night Craig died. He had too much to drink, fell asleep on a soft sofa with his face down and suffocated. I have written about this before. It happened 10 years ago.

Jordan was devastated by Craig’s death. He told his mother that he and Craig had been fighting and his last words to Craig were unkind. He felt great guilt because of that, and as the months and years passed by, he never got over his deep sadness.

I think it was a year later he started taking different drugs to help him through the pain and ended up on heroin. Many times, he wanted to quit. His mom came to live with him for a month while he went cold turkey and that experience was horrible for both of them. Once he was off the drug he could be on our government’s plan of free daily methadone. And he did that off and on for years.

His mother did everything she could to help him, but Jordan wasn’t just depressed, he couldn’t stand to be around people. He went into a rehab facility and only stayed 2 hours. He couldn’t work and my daughter supported him the whole ten years. Food, clothing, everything. She was terrified of him living on the streets.

During this time, my daughter asked me to text Jordan every day with Bible verses and prayers which I did. He told her he really enjoyed the texts. We went through most of the Bible, which I wrote in my own words and shortened it. We were all praying for him.

About two weeks before he died, Jordan told his mom he had started praying. By that time, he was very thin, kind of agitated and sometimes not making sense. My husband said to me, “I think Jordan is going to die.” Then it happened.

What can I say about that? I can’t convey all my feelings, there are too many. I can say God has given us comfort because we asked for that. We all say, “He is out of pain now. He is with God.” That gives us comfort, because we know that we will see him and his brother again. The gut-wrenching pain of losing them is lessened when I pray. It hurts so much I want to scream, but God supports me.

Years ago, I was in a chat room with some Christians and when I told them about Craig and why I knew he was going to be in heaven, a man wrote, “This woman believes God will save addicts while they are still using!” I said, “Yes, I do.”

I know Craig was praying before he died. I know Jordan was praying before he died. They believed in God. “What must I do to be saved?” the Roman jailer asked Paul. “Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved, you and your household.” It is truly that simple. And as for those who have died without praying or knowing God, I trust God to do for them what is right. He knows who is safe to bring to heaven.

When the boys were young, I babysat them for many years. I’m so grateful for that time. We became very close and they knew they could talk with me about anything. They both had attention span and learning difficulties. It wasn’t easy for me because they got bored so quickly, but I loved them dearly.

Well, they won’t be bored in heaven. Lol. I’m sure there will be a lot of fun stuff to do there. God put a sense of humor, fun and excitement within us. I picture them snowboarding again on mountains full of powder snow. I’ve always wanted to climb a mountain and I’m pretty sure I will up there. I want to learn to play the piano, harp and violin. I want to compose my own music and I want to dance, dance, dance. I know we will dance there because little children dance as soon as they hear music. They don’t have to be taught. Like all gifts from God, it is wonderful. “Every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of the stars.” Trust me when I tell you, God is good and he loves you.

 

 

Update and the Power of Song.

 

(If anyone wishes to copy or print my posts, they are welcome to do that.)

I haven’t posted for quite awhile because when I thought about things to write I realized I had already written on that subject. I felt perhaps I had shared all I had to share. And I might be right about that. So, if I don’t post much, that is why.

My husband’s stroke was a little more than a year ago and he is still recovering. Since then, he has had a bleeding ulcer and an incisional hernia (a thirty-five-year-old abdomen incision had burst open.) Those two events have set back his progress. But he is still doing very well.

I was thinking about King Saul from the Old Testament. When an evil spirit would plague him, he called for David to come sing for him and the evil spirit would leave. I believe Satanic beings cannot stand hearing songs about God. They also hate it when we praise God out loud. I have found in my life that when I am depressed or despairing singing and praising God lifts me up and out of sadness.

My sister in Washington is still waiting on God to tell her when to leave her home and live in the mountains. Meanwhile, she has learned so much about God and being a Christian. She has learned to depend on him and hear his voice speaking to her heart.

I am sorry to see all the division the Covid vaccine has caused. It is tragic people are at each other’s throats about it. I have some family members who live far away who will not get the vaccine. My immediate family is different, we have all been double-vaccinated. I accept what my other relatives are doing; I don’t agree with their position, but I respect their right to decide for themselves. Even though my husband is waiting for surgery and can’t have it because the ICUs in the hospital are full.

 I heard that recently a man who worked for a Christian organization wrote an article in a newspaper on why he did get the vaccine. He was fired the next day, even though this organization says they believe in “freedom of speech.” Well, they don’t really, do they?

 

 

 

Christian Podcasts and an Update on My Husband's Condition.

 

I thought I would share an update on my husband’s condition. It’s been 9 months since he had a stroke and he is doing very well. His mind is working well, it isn’t like before the stroke, but honestly, I can’t tell any difference in him except he forgets to turn lights off. He says he can’t think quickly like before, but now he is retired he won’t have to. When he came home, he couldn’t keep up with conversations among the family, but he has no trouble with that now.

Physically, he has muscle weakness, fatigue, a spasm now and then and he still gets numbness and tingling in his legs, arms and hands. His hands are especially weak. He is using a walker, but he says he won’t need it soon as his legs are getting stronger.  We are both happy he is alive and we are now able to spend our days together.

I have discovered some podcasts that are new to me and I’m enjoying them so much I wanted to share. I appreciate those who produce Christian podcasts. They encourage and teach me as I follow Jesus. I pray God will bless them and their work for him.

I’ll begin a list of the ones that are new to me and end with the older podcasts I have listed to for more than a year.

Our Daily Bread

How to Study the Bible

Theology in the Raw

Compelled

Timothy Keller Sermons

Worthy: Celebrating the Value of Women

Walk it Out with Tricia Goyer

Ask NT Wright Anything

Deep Talks: Exploring Theology and Meaning

Chicken Soup for the Soul with Amy Newmark

Okay, now for the old ones I’ve listed here previously.

Pray Every Day

Don’t Make Me Come Back There

The Paul Tripp Podcast

Front Porch with the Fitzes

Joyce Meyer Enjoying Everyday Life

That Sounds Fun with Annie F. Downs

The Faith and Mental Wellness

Passion City Church DC

The Ponder Podcast

Go and Tell Gals

Joyce Meyer’s Talk It Out