A few weeks
ago, I posted “My Mother’s Illness and Death: The Unkindness of the Medical
Establishment.” I learned something about myself today. I hadn’t forgiven those
nurses who hurt me.
I’m a
believer in Jesus, and of course forgiveness was one of the main things he
talked about. Through the years, he has helped me forgive many, many people who
have hurt my feelings. But for some reason it never crossed my mind to forgive
these people.
But God showed
me that the reason I keep thinking about what the nurses said to me and what
they thought of me was because I lacked forgiveness and love for them. Yes, my
eyes were opened by God.
I am not a
person who talks freely with strangers. Sometimes I get angry at myself for not
explaining myself better. Like when nurses would call from the hospital for information
on my mother, I realized later I had left out a lot of details. I know this
happens because my brain freezes when people talk with me. Especially people
with authority.
After
talking with me about Mom’s heart and back, one nurse asked me what I gave her
for pain. I said, two Tylenol. When I hung up, I thought, “Was she asking about
the heart pain or the back pain. Two Tylenol wasn’t enough for the back pain. I
used to give her Codeine for that.
One nurse
called and asked if my mom was sleeping much. I said, “No, the last week she
was only sleeping 2-3 hrs. at a time.” Later in the conversation he said, “Well,
shall I write down 4-6 hours?” I knew that was wrong but said, “Okay.” I have
no idea why I said that. Maybe just to please him.
So, about
forgiveness. I talked with God about it and said, “Okay. I forgive them. I pray
you will put that in my mind and heart. I pray I will love them as you do.”
I think it
was pride that kept me from forgiving at the outset. I felt shamed by these
nurses, even though I knew I was doing a good job looking after my mom. And I
still I feel shame for that and the fact they didn’t like me and thought I was
awful for not taking Mom home.
Whether the
shame will go away or not, I don’t care. I’ve lived with shame since I was a
little child. I just want to do what Jesus told everyone to do. Love and
forgive.
