I was
reading a blog today about what causes us to sin. I thought about the sin I committed
just 2 days ago. Someone asked me where their canvases went (for painting
pictures) and I immediately said, “I don’t know.” But I DID know. I ran out of canvas and used
hers. I was going to buy her some new ones to take their place, but I had
forgotten.
I gave her
one of my canvases and she was happy. But when I was at prayer last night, the
Lord convicted me that I must confess my sin to her and apologize. I will do
that when she comes over this week.
What really,
really got me was the fact that I lie so rarely I can’t even remember the last
time I did. But I know why I have lied in the past and I know why I lied 2 days
ago. I was afraid.
I was afraid
she would be mad at me for using her canvas without asking first. My past lies
were to my husband because I was afraid he would get mad at me. So I would lie
about what I bought or lie about lots of things that I knew would make him
angry.
I’m very
ashamed of my behavior, but I realized I haven’t really prayed about my fears.
Social phobia is part of my mental illness. I am terrified of being around
people now. I wasn’t always this way, but after I had a mental breakdown, I
became afraid of everything.
I was afraid
of flying, driving over a bridge, shopping, going to church, meeting people,
social situations etc. I went to two anxiety clinics which did help me with the
flying and bridges; but I’ve never gotten over social anxiety. I was like that
in school as a child and teen too, but was better in my thirties and early forties.
I think now
is the time to pray about my fear. I have just given into my fear and stayed
home as much as I could and I’m very happy here at home. If I do go out, it is
usually with my daughters or husband because I’m now terrified of driving! I’m
67 and tired of trying to be normal, but if this fear of mine leads me into sin,
then I want Jesus to heal me. I started today to pray about it. I ask for your
prayers too.
I think one
reason I have never really prayed for God to heal my fears is that I figured it
was all bound up in my mental illness and abuse as a little girl. Well, if God
wants to heal me, he will; if God doesn’t want to heal me, that’s fine. I’ve
asked him to make me aware before I open my mouth not to lie when I’m afraid. I
trust him, he will strengthen me to do his will.
