Mental Illness and Sex.

I have been wondering if I should write about this subject and have decided I will in the hope it will help someone going through something similar. But if you don't want to hear about my sex problems, you better stop reading.

I was sexually used by my father, starting when I was very young. He also abused me physically a few times to keep me in line. I was terrified of him.

I'm 66 now, and still have trouble with sex. Things are definitely better, but I'm still working things out. God has shown me something I thought I would share.

Every Friday, even though I'd had a great week, I began feeling sad. I didn't know why until I prayed and paid attention to myself. It is because the weekend is coming and I know my husband and I will have sex at some point. After we do have sex, my depression lifts. I don't have to worry about it for another week.

The thoughts I used to have during sex were not pretty - I will spare you the details. But I couldn't enjoy the sex any other way, it seemed. I wanted to make my husband happy, and I was; but God was not happy because I was hurting myself.

God has been telling me a long time to quit thinking violent thoughts when I have sex. I tried a few times, but then I would just feel numb. Then one night after sex, I had this sudden urge to scream and keep screaming forever. The urge went away, but when I talked with God he said, "I can't keep you sane, as you keep asking me to do, if you continue thinking these thoughts." I pondered that for a few minutes and said, "I'll try." Then I said, "No, I promise I will never do it again."

At that, I felt a powerful presence come over me. I had woken with a headache and it went away immediately. My body had been aching; I felt a softness all over me and the aches were gone. I knew it was the overshadowing of God's presence. I felt so good and happy. I felt so thankful.

That was two weeks ago and sex with my husband has been great. We tried some new things to help me relax and of course, he is so patient with me and always has been. It is kind of embarrassing to talk with God about all this, but after all, he invented sex! It ain't my fault! I just want to learn how to live with it and enjoy it and He is helping me.

God always helps me with everything if I come to him about it. I wish I could convey how wonderful it is to have God to go to. People seem to be afraid to give control of their lives over to him. If they only knew! If they only knew what a great person he is! If they only knew how he gives his best to us.

God Still Works Miracles.

I loved walking along the sea wall.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/awraun/100010260/

Who is God?
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

Who am I?

I just finished reading, "Beautiful Affliction," by Lene Fogelberg. It is a wonderful book of her journey through illness. Although she was always in pain doctors, in her native country of Sweden, couldn't find out what was wrong with her. They told her she had a heart murmmer but it wasn't too bad.

Eventually, Lene finds out what is wrong in the United States, where she and her husband had to move for his job. It is a story of her great courage and her beautiful family. She had prayed in Sweden for help and help was given to her.

This book reminded me of all the times God helped us in moving to different cities. We lived in Kelowna, BC Canada. My daughter Sandy had been laid off her job at the Gas Company. I was babysitting her two boys. Then the company offered her a job up north in Prince George.

Prince George was 9 hours away. None of us had ever been there. But the real problem was my grandsons leaving Kelowna. They were very upset. When Sandy and I were packing boxes, Craig, her older boy, got his plastic sword and attacked the boxes with all his might.

I said to him, "You are sad about moving, aren't you?" He said he was and started crying. I was also sad, actually I felt devestated to lose them. I didn't know how my husband and I could afford to go up and visit very often.

But, God stepped up and worked a miracle. Soon after Sandy left, my husband's company, the same Gas Company, wanted him to work in Prince George about once a month! They would pay for the hotel, gas and eating costs! We were able to go up there many times over the next year she worked there. It was wonderful.

Years later, Sandy was working in Vancouver. The boys were not happy in their after-school daycare. She wanted me to babysit them, but it wasn't possible as far as we knew. God stepped up again. My husband was asked to work in Vancouver temporarily. They payed for a hotel room we found very near the boys' school. We lived there for a year and then the Vancouver office asked my husband to stay.

I wanted an apartment closer to the school and cheaper than the luxury hotel we had been living in. We prayed about it and went looking. In downtown Vancouver, places get snatched up right away so all they have to do is put a sign outside the building. We drove by the school, and there was an apartment for rent directly across the street. We went in, found the landlady and it was ours!

We lived in Vancouver for 5 years and I learned to love it there. I would walk in Stanley Park almost every day. There was the ocean two blocks away and trees and flowers everywhere. We were very happy.

But my daughter, Christine, was having troubles. Her youngest daughter was obsessive/compulsive and Christine needed to work. It was just too hard for the family to live on one income. I told Christine there were no jobs in Kelowna at the Gas co. but we would pray.

As I prayed, I asked God for a sign on what to do. Christine needed me now. I couldn't move away from my husband without being sure he would also eventually move back to Kelowna. So, I asked for a sign, something I had never done before.

That night, I had a dream. I was in an airplane with my mother. We were landing in Kelowna and my mother said, "We're home."  When I woke up, I knew this was the sign from God. Mom and I moved back to Kelowna right away.

Some months later, Dan's company needed workers in Penticton, which is 45 minutes from Kelowna. The company was opening a new section there. Dan applied and got the job. We were so grateful and amazed at how God worked. Within a year we were together again. We have lived in Kelowna ever since.

When I read of how some people are afraid to trust God with their lives, I think of all the good he has done for me and my family. I know his plans for us are good. When bad things happen, I still believe God will bring good out of the situation. I didn't used to believe that, but experience has taught me a lot. If we give our lives to God and let him do whatever he thinks best, we will never regret it.