I listened to a sermon last week by Timothy Keller on his podcast, “Timothy Keller Sermons Podcast by Gospel in Life.” What I learned helped me tremendously in my walk with God. He taught about the spiritual warfare than lies in each human heart. How when we may not want to do something we know is wrong, but we do it anyway. How we may want to act better, but we can’t. Then he spoke on how we can do better with Jesus.
I came upon this sermon after a week of personal trials, both physical and mental. I was feeling very depressed about my reaction to these trials. I know Christians should bear trials with patience and endurance. But sometimes, when my trials seem overwhelming, I revert to my old stand-by: “I cannot bear this. I hate my life. Why do you (God) put people on earth to suffer? I’ve had enough of suffering. When is my life finally going to be over? Please just kill me.”
I’m sure these statements shock normal (if there are any) people. I’m not normal, I have a few mental illnesses, like PTSD, social phobia, dissociation etc. I have a sister who is also sick and, thank God, understands me.
So, as I said, I revert to this kind of thinking after I think I have it licked. I learned my lesson. I’ve read an armful of books on why God allows suffering. I’ve prayed about this and read the Bible every day. I like God, and sometimes don’t like him. This comes and goes. Sometimes I think I actually love him, but I’m not sure if that is sincere.
After listening to the sermon, I began to understand something. I never thought of my depressive thoughts as being a temptation to sin. I thought of them as a tangible outpouring of who I am. I knew a lustful thought was a temptation, but angry depressing thoughts about God?
So, just as I talk to God immediately about lustful thoughts and ask him to make me think of something else, I can do that with those thoughts of anger against him. It isn’t any worse than a lustful thought. I don’t have to feel hopeless and see my inner self as a rebel.
Anyway, I’ve put some links here to help you find these sermons. I listen to Tim Keller on Apple podcasts, but there are dozens of places to find him online. I hope these sermons will help someone else, as they helped me. God be with you all.
https://www.oneplace.com/ministries/gospel-in-life/listen/the-war-between-your-selves-part-1-1168407.html
