Saturday, 10 December 2016

Dreams of Silence.

I'm having more dreams about my mother. I keep dreaming she is hiding the fact my father was sexually abusing me. Last night in my dream she asked my sister and I to hide the evidence. I don't feel horrible about these dreams. Not like the dreams I had about my father; but I wonder why I have them. I figured I have forgiven her and moved on.

I asked God what I should do about these dreams. He said to just talk to him about my mother's part in it all. I did, and I will continue to do this until the dreams go away.

The reason I have felt no ill will towards my mother is that I grew up in the 1950s. There were no Women's Shelters, no welfare, no help at all for women. My mother was a secretary and I think she was paid minimum wage - no benefits at all, of course. She would never have been able to take care of us three kids. I know that.

On top of it all, my brother had severe asthma. He was always sick. He was in the hospital at least once a year; his medications were expensive; doctor visits had to be paid. If my mother left my father, my brother would have had to go to the county hospital and I don't know how she would have paid for anything else. It was just impossible.

The big memory I have of my mom and me was when I had a growth on my upper thigh. It was so strange looking that I'll never forget what it looked like. It looked like a cauliflower. When I looked it up, when I was an adult, I found out it was a genital wart. They had to burn it off of me and I remember that well.

At the doctor's visit, I remember him examining me in a way I'd never been through before. I remember him speaking to my mother and her answering him. I remember driving in the car on the way home; but I don't remember what was said by anyone. I do remember we got a new doctor after that.

I wish our brains could leave us alone. But I trust God that he made our brains this way for a good reason. I have read we will dream about something until it is resolved. I believe that is true, and I guess that's why I have no feelings anymore about my father and what he did. It took a long time to reach that resolution - but it happened and I'm happy about that. This is just another thing to resolve and I know God will help me.