Showing posts with label sex abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex abuse. Show all posts

Saturday 10 December 2016

Dreams of Silence.



I'm having more dreams about my mother. I keep dreaming she is hiding the fact my father was sexually abusing me. Last night in my dream she asked my sister and I to hide the evidence. I don't feel horrible about these dreams. Not like the dreams I had about my father; but I wonder why I have them. I figured I have forgiven her and moved on.

I asked God what I should do about these dreams. He said to just talk to him about my mother's part in it all. I did, and I will continue to do this until the dreams go away.

The reason I have felt no ill will towards my mother is that I grew up in the 1950s. There were no Women's Shelters, no welfare, no help at all for women. My mother was a secretary and I think she was paid minimum wage - no benefits at all, of course. She would never have been able to take care of us three kids. I know that.

On top of it all, my brother had severe asthma. He was always sick. He was in the hospital at least once a year; his medications were expensive; doctor visits had to be paid. If my mother left my father, my brother would have had to go to the county hospital and I don't know how she would have paid for anything else. It was just impossible.

The big memory I have of my mom and me was when I had a growth on my upper thigh. It was so strange looking that I'll never forget what it looked like. It looked like a cauliflower. When I looked it up, when I was an adult, I found out it was a genital wart. They had to burn it off of me and I remember that well.

At the doctor's visit, I remember him examining me in a way I'd never been through before. I remember him speaking to my mother and her answering him. I remember driving in the car on the way home; but I don't remember what was said by anyone. I do remember we got a new doctor after that.

I wish our brains could leave us alone. But I trust God that he made our brains this way for a good reason. I have read we will dream about something until it is resolved. I believe that is true, and I guess that's why I have no feelings anymore about my father and what he did. It took a long time to reach that resolution - but it happened and I'm happy about that. This is just another thing to resolve and I know God will help me.