Wednesday, 31 August 2016


Every night, for the past year or so, I wake up startled as soon as I fall asleep. I wake up fully alert and hungry. I'm trying not to eat late at night, but tonight I cooked myself eggs and cheese in the hope protein won't pack on the pounds.

I think I know why this happens. All my life I have had nightmares; now, I guess my brain is telling me, "Don't go to sleep. You will have horrible dreams." Thank you, brain. Thanks a lot; you are only making me feel worse. I long for sleep.

The dreams used to be about my father. Dreams like a horror story. Waking up screaming, shaking and terrified. Dreams of a sexual nature. Dreams of him driving me in a bus and looking like a maniac. After therapy, I finally dreamed I was driving the bus and not him. That made me feel good.

The latest dreams are about a woman who is choking a baby or child to keep it quiet. Very upsetting. Sometimes the woman is me, as it was last night. I told my husband there was something around the baby's neck while I was trying to give it a bottle. I couldn't see what it was that was choking her. Sometimes the woman is someone else. I know the dreams mean for me to keep quiet. Don't tell anyone.

The little girl inside me says, "No one loves you." The teenager inside me says, "No one loves you." But the adult now says, "God loves me, my husband loves me, my children love me, my grandchildren love me and my mother, who is still alive at 89, loves me. But the adult has a hard time controlling the young ones. They don't listen to me. They don't believe me.

Why am I writing about this? I don't know. I probably want pity. Maybe though, I think it might be that I can't tell many people about this; it would just upset them. My family doesn't read my blog, so I can say anything here and get it off my chest. Yes, I tell my husband my dreams, but it doesn't seem enough. I want someone to understand what I go through every single day of my life. How I have to fight to want to even live in this world.

God has given me the will to fight. I quote scripture when I feel bad and I am immediately helped. I can then go through the day with some joy. Sometimes lots of joy, praise God. If I didn't have God, I'd have nothing. He, "gives me songs in the night." He gives me hope. He is, "the God of all hope." He gives me strength, "God is the strength of my life."

Saturday, 27 August 2016

Father of all Good.

Photo by: NASA

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow."  James 1:17

This verse is saying that every good thing we see happening in the world is from God. When we see people helping others - that is from God. When we see healing, whether from a scraped knee or cancer - that is from God. When we see an animal save a human - that is from God. Those who don't believe in God have no idea how much they owe him for the good in their lives.

This verse calls God the "Father of lights." What a beautiful name. Some say this could mean the stars in the heavens as in, "The Father of the stars." And he is that, since he created them. Others say it means all light: wisdom, truth, etc. But the next verse seems to justify calling God the "Father of the stars," because it speaks of the sun, moon and stars.

"With whom there is no variation or shifting shadow." The stars are eclipsed. The sun has spots. It's shadow moves along the earth. There are nova (stars exploding) and super nova happening all through the cosmos. The moon has its phases. The stars grow old, change in the growing and eventually die out.

God is not like that. He does not shift and change. He is who he is forever and ever. He is dependable. We don't need to wonder how he is feeling today. Good mood? Bad mood? No, God is love. He has always been love and ever will be. He looks on you with love, the love of a mother to her child. 

"Can a woman forget her nursing child And have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you. See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me."  Isaiah 49:15,16

May the Father of the Stars shine in our hearts and may his name be written in the palms of our hands.

Monday, 22 August 2016

Sometimes I Don't Know What to Say.

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words."
Romans 8:26

Have you ever had trouble praying? I have. Especially when I am really upset about something; when I'm in pain for a loved one. Those are the hard times. "Oh God, help them; help me," is what comes to mind at first. And actually, it is enough. He will do both those things for us.

But when it is daily scheduled (first thing in the morning) prayer time, it can be hard to think of what to say. Years ago, when my mind couldn't seem to stay still,  I wrote out my prayers in notebooks. This helped me stay focused. What I do quite often now is "pray the Bible" which means to use prayers from the Bible that have the ideas you want to convey to God, but can't find the words.

Psalms is a book of prayers. There are some that don't relate to my life; but almost all of them do. I sometimes copy them down and read them to God in the morning. Joyce Meyer says to begin our prayers with praise and thanks. I think this is good advice. Doing this brings our minds off ourselves and onto God and his power.

Sometimes I say the Lord's Prayer out loud. Sometimes I copy Paul's prayers for the church and pray them for me and all the people in my family and friends who are written in a Prayer Book and for all the people I know at Facebook, on blogs and online. This gives me great joy, to pray for all these people. I don't always read off their names, there are so many, but God knows who they are.

Joyce always says, "Believe God is working." This I believe. Every prayer is heard; every prayer is answered. Prayer is when God has an open channel to our hearts and is sometimes the time he uses to speak directly to us. In prayer we are saying to the universe, "I need God in my life. I want God in my life."

Here are some prayers I copied the other night that say what I feel in my heart.

 Blessed be the Lord who daily bears us up.

Blessed are those whose strength is in you.

Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.

For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.
In the day of my trouble I call upon you, for you answer me.

Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name.

I give thanks to you, O Lord, my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify your name forever. For great is your steadfast love toward me. You have delivered my soul from the depths of hell.

You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. 

Monday, 15 August 2016

My Jar is a Bit Cracked.

Photo by Mervat Salman

"For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God's glory displayed in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."   2 Corinthians 4:6,7

I was feeling discouraged about myself the other day. When I fail to act like Jesus, I feel sad and guilty. I don't think God wants me to feel that way. As soon as I ask him to forgive me, I should believe it and move on. But when I've made a few boo-boos in a row, that's when I get down on myself. 

I opened my mail, and this verse was the verse of the day. "We have this treasure in clay jars..." The treasure is salvation through Jesus and we hold this beautiful truth in our hearts - we are the clay jars. Clay jars are not strong; they can be easily broken. They are not bejeweled treasure chests. I went to Bible Hub to study this and found some sermon notes by J.R. Thomson. Here are a few excerpts:

 "As Eastern kings stored their gold, silver, and jewels in earthen jars, so a plain casket may hold a costly jewel, a miry soil may yield an abundant crop, a battered ship may carry a precious freight, a lamp of clay may give a brilliant light, a mean book as to appearance may contain noble thoughts. So it is no objection against the gospel that those who preach it are in many respects unworthy of an office so dignified."

"To what purpose was this arrangement which the apostle here describes? He himself gives the true reason." 
1. That all Christian labourers may feel their littleness and their weakness. 
2. That they may recognize the exceeding greatness of the spiritual power of God. 
3. That they may give Heaven the glory, alike for what they receive and for what they impart. - T. 

The Bible says, "Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way." James3:2  What I need to remember is to take my eyes off myself and look to Jesus. You can't get discouraged when you do that!

Wednesday, 10 August 2016

Love, Marriage and Words.

Hubby and I on our wedding day.

I was posting earlier about the words I speak and also about not getting irritated. The Lord is truly working because today, when I was irritated with my husband I was immediately impressed to tell him he was right that I had no reason to feel that way. He was trying to show me how to empty the water out of a can of sliced mushrooms. I just wanted to do it my own way and he wouldn't give me the can. He is a methodical, practical person who thinks everything should be done in a certain way. I am a fly-by-night person who wings it a lot to save time; I do something one way and then maybe next time I'll do it another way. We both drive each other crazy.

Anyway, I rejoice in how God is helping me to quickly see my errors. I suppose this is why it is important to talk with God about our faults, but also not worry about them. He will fix things. It is fun to watch him work on my stubborn heart.

I remember many years ago, I was going for walks each day. My husband was on vacation and asked to come along. I was happy for the company. We stopped at the end of the driveway and he asked, "Where are we going? What's the route you take?"  I told him, "I never plan a route; I just start walking."

He couldn't live with that. It was too much for him, so he said, "Let's plan a route." I was irritated, but I could see we would be going nowhere if I didn't go along. We planned a route.

God has shown me why my husband doesn't like spontaneity. His childhood was chaotic; he never knew when his father would beat him. He would sometimes be woken out of sleep to be beaten. One time he was brushing his teeth and his father smashed his head into the sink. So, my husband needs all things planned. No surprises.

This is where understanding and compassion comes into play in a marriage. We may not understand our spouse; we may think they are crazy, but there are always, always reasons for what we do and how we look at life. Planning things is not a big enough deal to fight about. Of course, if your husband treats you like crap, that is worth dealing with. It must be dealt with but in a loving way.

My husband has to put up with my craziness too. I look on the dark side of life; every time my daughter drives all the way to Kelowna to visit, I picture her in a big car crash. I read the news and figure the world is falling apart. My husband? A total optimist. Naturally. We call him, "Walmart is always open." because if he wants it to be open, it is. (He told my daughter it was open til 10:00 pm and it wasn't.)

I want to be a blessing to my husband. I want to always be kind, loving and understanding. I want to always speak with good words, words of encouragement and love. I can see God is helping me do that and it makes me so happy.

Wednesday, 3 August 2016

The Greatest People in Heaven.

Me, my brother, Kim and my sister, Chloe.

This morning, I was reading through Matthew 18 and came upon the time Jesus told his friends who was the greatest in heaven. 

At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
"He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me."

I looked up this verse on Bible Hub to see what commentators would say about it. I was really moved; one reason is probably that I adore little children. Another reason is the Presidential election in the U.S.  All the fighting, the name-calling, and the grasping for power is disheartening. I'm glad God's kingdom is backwards and upside-down compared to our kingdoms here on earth.

"Our Lord set a little child before them, solemnly assuring them, that unless they were converted and made like little children, they could not enter his kingdom. Children, when very young, do not desire authority, do not regard outward distinctions, are free from malice, are teachable, and willingly dependent on their parents." 

I remember when I was 11 yrs. old, my mother drove the family from California up to Canada for a wedding. There were 6 of us in the car. Dad couldn't come. We hit a blizzard in Montana and Mom couldn't see the edges of the road. Everyone was scared except me. I trusted my mother implicitly; she drove us everywhere all through my childhood. She had never been in an accident. I just knew inside me we wouldn't crash or go off the road down to who-knows-where. We didn't crash - we came to a little town and spent the night. In the morning, we could see there was no steep precipice to plunge down; the ground was flat as a pancake so even if we had gone off the road we would have been fine.

This is how I would like to trust God. Absolute calmness in any situation because I know him. I know how he leads and I know whatever happens, even if it seems bad, it will be good; good for me, and good for God.

 "Except ye be converted," does not imply, of necessity, that they (Jesus' friends) were not Christians before, or had not been born again. It means that their opinions and feelings about the kingdom of the Messiah must be changed. They had supposed that he was to be a temporal prince. They expected he would reign as other kings did. They supposed he would have his great officers of state, as other monarchs had, and they were ambitiously inquiring who should hold the highest offices. Jesus told them that they were wrong in their views and expectations. No such things would take place. From these notions they must be turned, changed or converted, or they could have no part in his kingdom. These ideas did not fit at all the nature of his kingdom."

"And become as little children - Children are, to a great extent, destitute of ambition, pride, and haughtiness They are characteristically humble and teachable. By requiring his disciples to be like them, he did not intend to express any opinion about the native moral character of children, but simply that in these respects they must become like them. They must lay aside their ambitious views and their pride, and be willing to occupy their proper station - a very lowly one."