Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Murder in My Heart.

Who am I?

A great big sinner.

I'm reading a biography of a woman who was a Christian. I was shocked when I read her mother-in-law twice tried to kill her. She hated her daughter-in-law because she felt she took her son away.

I was horrified, but then I remembered when I once wanted to kill someone: my first husband. He had cheated on me with the young woman who lived below us. I told him to choose between us, so he went downstairs to tell her he was staying with me.

They started laughing, and I could hear them. I was filled with rage and thought about getting a big knife and going down there and stabbing them both to death. Then I looked at my baby. I couldn't do it because I would go to jail and lose my children. But boy, did I want to do it.

I was a Christian then, as I am now. I talked with God and told him how sorry I was to want to do such a thing. But it was then I realized I was capable of murder and every other kind of sin. I had thought I was free from all that, but I've learned we will always have temptations to do wrong.

After my husband and I divorced, he had his new girlfriend over to sleep at his apartment when my oldest daughter was there. I said to myself, "I would never do that." Obviously, I still had a lot to learn because I did do that a year later with my boyfriend.

I remember when I was in bed with him one night, I said to God, "Could I please marry this man?" I didn't really expect an answer since I was living in open sin. But God did answer me. He quoted the Bible to me. He said, "What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?"  (Belial means wickedness)

I was amazed God still thought of me as a believer! I felt I was a big mess and not worthy of being called that. My boyfriend was not a believer, although he went to church with me a few times. I kept dating him, but soon realized he was a wicked person. A very wicked person. I couldn't see that at first, but God knew.

Who is God?

Someone who isn't surprised by our sins. Someone who loves us as we are sinning. Someone who wants to help us.

So, the reason I write about this is to help people who think they are too awful to be Christians. You can't get much worse than I am! I am tempted all the time to think wrong things and do wrong things, but thanks be to God I can take these thoughts and feelings to him and he takes care of them. He throws them into the depths of the sea.

"You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea."  Micah 7:19

"Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."